Why I don't celebrate Easter. Warning: pity party going on in this thread

by CeriseRose 15 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  CeriseRose

  I think back to when I was a kid...a non-JW one. Easter was the time of new dresses, chocolate bunnies (you had to bite the ears off first to make sure it was the solid kind), ham with the little cloves stuck right in it, and peaceful family time.

  During my JW years I didn't 'celebrate' it, but it slowly but surely became a 'family' time. My flesh and blood sister (JW) and all my step family (non-JW) would congregate at the parents' place and we'd play games and eat and laugh. We didn't spend Christmas with them, but Easter was sort of the replacement. Birds would be out in the yard, the kids would eat their chocolate, and we'd all enjoy being together.

  Mom died on Easter weekend, 3 years ago. She was so sick, so tired, and I sat with her, alone on Easter Sunday in her hospital room in the palliative ward. My sis was being picked up from the airport and it was just me and Mom. Mom was so drugged on morphine she was basically out of it, but occasionally she would be lucid enough to know I was there, and to smile at me. I sat cross-stitching, one of the crafts she taught me that my left-handedness could adapt to. It was a cross-stitch we'd worked on together, and I was finishing the actual stitching. The deal was that she would do the french knots, the things I never could quite manage to get right. The cross-stitch got finished, except for those knots. I don't have the heart to even attempt them.

  I can feel the quiet in the hospital room like it was yesterday. In my broken heart, it was just yesterday.

  After she died, I held on to the hope of the resurrection. I knew that as a non-JW there was no guarantee of it, but I held on. Now, with my eyes open, my beliefs shattered, I am dealing with the horrible reality that I will never see her again. Before it was contingent on my staying faithful, now there's absolutely nothing I can do.

  I've been crying for 2 days, not sleeping, not eating. It's like she just died all over again. And there's no "friends" or family, no god, no place to stand to make it better. It hurts so much not to be able to put my arms around her, to not feel her arms around me.

  Part of me is mad that I was fooled, lulled into believing I had the answers. I don't. I don't know anything. I don't trust anything.

  But mostly I just feel this aching emptiness that won't go away.

  Thanks for listening. The only way to keep this turned outward is to keep getting it out.
• 

  bisous

  consider this:

  you see her every time you look at that shared cross stitch work. Have it framed, display it prominently. try those knots or don't whichever feels right. think of the the other ways her presence here is noted and honor it. feel her arms around you in your memory....embrace those memories.

  I believe one possibility is that the afterlife is the mark we make while here and the memory our loved ones have of us. I surely don't know or have any answers CR, but I can say I share your pain. I lost my husband years ago, early in our marriage and while still a JW. The 1st year after his death I prayed constantly for the 'end' to come, so I could see him and somehow twist their sicko teachings so we would be back together.

  20 years later there are still times I feel his 'presence' not like a spirit or anything but through my memories of him and thinking of him and how proud he would be of our daughter ... or other shared experiences I would be sharing with him if he were here. I have consoled myself with that and he is part of me and my life because of it.

  Don't know if any of this makes any sense whatsoever, but just wanted to reach out and say hey, someone else understands.
• 

  SixofNine

  ((((CeriseRose))))) I don't have any great words of wisdom to comfort you, but I do know that from my experience, it takes what you are doing now to move past such a tremendous loss: you have to mourn. Anger, distrust, indignation, all such things are normal and innevitable, but in the end, we have to just acknowledge the hurt that comes from loss, and mourn. I wish you happiness soon.
• 

  a wee scots lass

  Cerise Rose,

  I am so sorry to hear your very sad story. I lost my Aunt who was like a second mum to me just 2 years ago and still feel the pain of that every day. I was lucky in that I had already left the JW's.

  How do we know this is it? Just because the JW's got it wrong does not mean there is something else to come. I am still searching for what I believe could be the truth about what is next for us - there are some really interesting theories out there.

  I wish you well in your healing,

  Scots Lass
• 

  SheilaM

  Cerise Rose: I am so sorry(((((((((Hugzzzzzzzzz))))))))))))) I wish I had some words of comfort, just know your not alone
• 

  cyber-sista

  I am feeling rather emotional after reading this because my mom died about 7 years ago while I was still a JW and I have thought of that a lot lately since I have exited the Org. I don't think she ever forgave me for being a JW and not celebrating the holidays and all the family gatherings we could have shared all those years. We didn't have a great relationship as it was, and throw the whole JW thing into the picture for the 20 years of my adult life and we never had a chance to heal anything as a family as I had to remain separate from her in many senses because of my selfish religion. I wanted it to be right for all of us, but just didn't know how and thought the religion would heal this, but it just caused more pain in the end.

  It is never easy for anyone to lose their mom no matter what the circumstances. I have many regrets, but need to carry on as I know if my mom were here and we could have healed together she would've wanted me to be happy. The loss of faith is another big one, which I am presently dealing with too, so I understand what you are saying there. It is a loss--a big one and much like a death and with all the complications surrounding it. So, at present I join you in your pity party--wish we could sit down and share a cup of tea sending you a cyber cup with and hugs

  cybs
• 

  cruzanheart

  (((((CeriseRose))))) Thank you for being so brave to share that memory with us! My dad died in February of last year and it is a very bittersweet time for me. Sweetie, none of us knows for sure what comes after death, so just try to take it one day at a time and enjoy every minute you have here. And save your cross-stitching as a beautiful memory of time spent with your mother when she needed you most. You're a good daughter and she knew and appreciated it.

  Love & hugs,

  Nina
• 

  Double Edge

  {{{Cerise Rose...}}}

  Why I DO celebrate Easter:

  I lost my dad a few years ago. He too had been in the hospital for some time and slowly passed away. I was devistated, we were very close. The first few months were emotionally painful...very tough. It slowly got better, but it took a couple of years to stop the heavy sighs and private moments of uncontrollable tears. During that time of my "healing", I would have dreams of my father... they were always like a 'visit', where I knew he was dead, but he came back for just a few moments. I could never really recall the dream in detail, except to say that I had one, and I felt better. Then about three years after he had passed, the dreams changed. I would dream of my father, like any other member of my "living" family... he was just a part of the "story". He would be working on his car, or mowing the lawn, etc. etc., just an everyday dream. When I woke up, I could recall it all in detail, and it was really no big deal.

  There have been several things that have happened in my life to confirm that death is but a "doorway", we are eternal, and that we are all a part of a loving plan of our Creator. I hesitate to say anymore because they are really only special to me and I don't want to get into any threads having to justify my feelings and beliefs. We're all here for a purpose, this is our time on Earth. I celebrate Easter because I know it's part of our Creator's plan to reunite us ALL with our loved ones. I know I can't convince you of this, but I wanted you to understand that there are millions of people like me, who have no doubts as to whether a person exists after this life. Even if you don't believe this, stay neutral, keep an open mind, keep seeking for those things that are true and hold on to those things that are positive. I know, without the slightest doubt that I will again see my father, just as you will again hug your mom.
• 

  seeitallclearlynow

  (((((Cerise Rose)))))

  So sorry for your pain at this time, Cerise. Thank you for sharing it with us, as part of your new "family" and I hope you feel better soon.
• 

  blacksheep

  ((((CeriseRose))))

  Thank you for sharing your stories. It has got to be torture losing a parent. I haven't gone through it yet, but I know when I do, I doubt I'll be prepared for the emotions I'll be going through. My mom's a JW and my dad's not (was supportive). Even though I still bear a great deal of anger against both of them, I love them dearly and will probably be at an utter loss when one of them goes.

  Although I haven't been through it I can tell you that you are NOT alone as a child in regretting what you DIDN'T do, what you COULD have done. Being a JW further complicates things, but it's always hard losing a loved one. I know it may sound corny, but whenever I hear the song "In the Living" years, the artist is basically regretting what he didn't tell his father when he was alive. When it gets to the part where he sings about his father, "I can still hear his voice in my baby's newborn tears," I always cry. I did before I had children, and I certainly do now. And I haven't even lost a parent.

  You'll eventually sort out your beliefs, but I truly don't believe you'll never see or feel your mother's presence again. It's NOT the end. We don't know what lies ahead after death. As far as I know, only the JWs (of religions) teach that once you are dead you are dead, never to have any contact with anyone again. I don't believe that. You may find out through your experiences and intuition that you don't either.

  Take care. And we're ALWAYS here to listen. It's far from a pity party!