Help me out? a request for critique on my writing

by Sirona 39 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Abaddon

  That was quite funny. You touch stylistically on the humour used by Pratchett (and Gaiman - c.f. Good Omens) without being a Xerox of it (that's a compliment, by-the-way). The ending is a little twee. If you like or were aiming at Touched by an Angel or Quantum Leap, fine; if not, be a bit darker and less obvious.

  I'd say the weak point is the internal logic - and I don't say that as a cawd cawwying 'pwove-it' monstew who thinks your stowy is silly because it involves spwits, but as someone who loves Pwatchett, May, Pullman, Tolkein because of the intewnal consistancy of theiw wowlds, howevew fantastical they might be.

  Of couwse, as thewe's no way to weach the level of those authows in youw 'fiwst go', don't sweat it!!!!

  Likewise, for a showt story you do well in 'filling-in' the wowld; slight pwoblem is that due to the degwee of sepewation from our own and the bwevity of the stowy you need an explanatowy sentence quite often, and it's hawd to do that elegantly and avoid it being awtificial.

  The most obvious illogical thing is the ouijas would of busted the gaff on the 'bweaking some rules is a good thing' a long time ago, given the pewsonality you descwibe for them. You can wemove such inconsistancies via authowial ineffability, but that's not the best way... it's like ending a stowy with ".. and then I woke up".

  G
• 

  Sirona

  LT - thanks! Glad you liked it.

  Abaddon. I could hardly read your post due to the piss take of the Ouija's lisp - or not a lisp but a problem with R's as someone pointed out - but I'll attempt to comment on what I did understand.

  I wasn't aiming to be like pratchett or the others. I simply sat down one day and thought it would be a good story. Given the content of the story I had to write it with humour.

  Other things that I've written do not have this style. I'm not *that* interested in writing Pratchett style stuff because to be quite honest I don't always enjoy his books (after the first one they got a little bit lame IMO). Thanks for the compliment though, a compliment from you is a rarity!

  Is "Touched by an Angel" a TV show or a book? Haven't seen / read it.

  Could you elaborate a bit on what you mean by the internal consistency? It was a short, short story so I didn't have much time to build up a world. Did it lack internal consistency? How? The thing about the Ouija's breaking rules made sense to me because they're mischievous and were designed to be so. Their purpose was to spread confusion and mystery (in accordance with the bigger plan of the Elders) so therefore they would be prone to being unpredictable and would not be chastised too much for disobedience. That's where the guardians come in - to keep them in line. What do you think?

  Thanks for your comments, it all helps.

  Sirona
• 

  shotgun

  Hi Sirona
  

  I loved the ending, didn't expect that..

  I'm not sure I liked the Quija boards being real unless your going for a Harry Potter type book. If a board comes off an assembly line which they do, when would they inherit a spirit or become a living thing, albeit in a different dimension of sorts.

  If instead the boards have a real spirit world connection and needed to be harnessed or guided by a spirit which could be assigned to each one it would have been better for me.(kinda what you did) I liked the idea of the spirits being able to see and discern impending death in mortals.

  I enjoyed it overall, but probably a little too much like Harry Potter for me with the talking Quija Boards with lisps.

  What age group did you plan to appeal to most or did you target an age group?
• 

  Sirona

  Hi Shotgun

  I see what you mean. As I said to Abaddon, I didn't write this with an audience in mind or deliberately in any particular style. It just turned out that way

  I'm going to explore other styles more - as I say I've written other stories (only one other in recent weeks) which are nothing like that one.

  Thanks for the comments

  Sirona
• 

  Abaddon

  Hi Sirona,

  Is "Touched by an Angel" a TV show or a book? Haven't seen / read it.

  Could you elaborate a bit on what you mean by the internal consistency? It was a short, short story so I didn't have much time to build up a world. Did it lack internal consistency? How? The thing about the Ouija's breaking rules made sense to me because they're mischievous and were designed to be so. Their purpose was to spread confusion and mystery (in accordance with the bigger plan of the Elders) so therefore they would be prone to being unpredictable and would not be chastised too much for disobedience. That's where the guardians come in - to keep them in line. What do you think?

  Thanks for your comments, it all helps.
• 

  Abaddon

  Hi Sirona,

  Is "Touched by an Angel" a TV show or a book? Haven't seen / read it.

  It's a TV show where an angel sorts out some problem.

  Could you elaborate a bit on what you mean by the internal consistency? It was a short, short story so I didn't have much time to build up a world.

  I realise; remember Tolkien took a whole chapter at the start of LOTR to explain Hobbits. The thing to remember is that in a short story the interjections or asides that explain the backstory in sufficient detail can be so regular they break the flow of the story and dominate the narrative. If that's the case, you need a longer story or a less complicated setting that will require less explanation for the story to make sense.

  Did it lack internal consistency? How? The thing about the Ouija's breaking rules made sense to me because they're mischievous and were designed to be so. Their purpose was to spread confusion and mystery (in accordance with the bigger plan of the Elders) so therefore they would be prone to being unpredictable and would not be chastised too much for disobedience. That's where the guardians come in - to keep them in line. What do you think?

  What I meant was that the Ouijas would find it funny to spoil the secret; the secret being that some rules can be broken for the right reasons. This secret is the whole focus of the story; dead bloke thinks warning someone of their death will condemn him to helll, but no, it is something he's meant to do when appropriate. Quijas telling him he can do it for the right reasons means no secret, means no story.

  Of course, that's my opinion; this is literature, not science!
• 

  SanFranciscoJim

  Sanfranciscojim - I can't express how you've encouraged me to carry on writing. I am also really surprised that a published writer would compliment my work! Do you remember starting to write "seriously" for the first time? I am often filled with doubt. The fact is that this story is my second short story in as many weeks, and what drove me to actually get on with it was a desire to simply write something even if people didn't enjoy it (that and the fact that I just got a new laptop, so it's now so easy and enjoyable to sit and type). The first story wasn't up to scratch in my opinion, but I will be going back to revise it (I'm letting it lie for a bit because I want to look it over with fresh eyes).

  Sirona, you would be amazed at the number of published writers who are willing to critique another writer's work. Where compliments are due, you will get them.

  I've been writing since I was in High School (and I'm 47 now), although this was my first full-length novel. It had been living in my head for years, and last year I finally decided to take time off from work to write it. I did so without any expectations of ending up on the New York Times bestseller list (although that would be nice! ) -- I did it because I wanted to, and enjoyed doing it. Seeing my book in published form is the fulfillment of a dream of a lifetime. I am currently working on two more novels, one of which I hope to have completed by the end of this year.

  sanfransiscojim - I forgot to mention that I will definately be reading your book (if I can get a copy)!

  If you're interested in ordering an autographed copy of my book, you can do so through my website (linked in my post above). Or, if you'd prefer, the book is available through Amazon.com at this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1932560238/

  If you do get a copy, I hope you'll let me know your thoughts on it as well. By the way, my avatar is the cover of my book.

  Once again, I wish you every success with your writing. Develop your own style. Be comfortable with it. Don't be overly influenced by others, but do prepare yourself to get edited by your publisher. You always have the option of a re-edit, and that's where the hard work comes in. Stick to your guns and make sure that your writing sounds like you've written it. You'll know when it's right!
• 

  Sirona

  Abaddon

  If that's the case, you need a longer story or a less complicated setting that will require less explanation for the story to make sense.

  Point taken. I understand what you mean now. Although I personally don't feel that my story is that complex, I have had some people saying that they didn't understand certain parts or they had to re-read. Therefore perhaps the setting is too complex for such a short story and it may benefit from being a few hundred words longer. I doubt I'll edit this story that much, but in future I'll bear that point in mind.

  This secret is the whole focus of the story; dead bloke thinks warning someone of their death will condemn him to helll, but no, it is something he's meant to do when appropriate. Quijas telling him he can do it for the right reasons means no secret, means no story.

  As I was writing the ending I did have the idea that the Ouija wouldn't know the secret. I thought that thereafter Jack would be working on a "higher plane" or something and wouldn't see a Ouija again. Now I type that, it doesn't make that much sense, but that was what was in the back of my mind at the time.

  Of course, that's my opinion; this is literature, not science!

  I keep trying to tell you that about religion. This is religion, not science. LOL

  Thanks again for the input

  Sirona
• 

  Sirona

  Sanfransiscojim

  It had been living in my head for years, and last year I finally decided to take time off from work to write it. I did so without any expectations of ending up on the New York Times bestseller list (although that would be nice! ) -- I did it because I wanted to, and enjoyed doing it. Seeing my book in published form is the fulfillment of a dream of a lifetime

  Its great that you went ahead and wrote it. That is the biggest step I think for many people who would like to be "proper" writers. I've got a great idea for a book that has been going around in my head for about 2 years, but until I tried the short story route I didn't know if I even could. Even now, I've got a lot to learn before I could even attempt it. The thing is, I'm only 28 so I've got plenty time (Goddess willing).

  I looked at the site. The thing is, I haven't got a current paypal account so I'll have to create one. Also I'm in UK so is that OK for postage? I'd rather have a copy signed by the author! When you're up there in the best seller lists I can say I know you! LOL

  Sirona
• 

  Thunder Rider

  Sirona,
  
  Nice work, in such a short piece for a writer to develope characters to that degree and set out a scenario that holds the readers attention all the way up to the twist at the end is a good measure of talent. Your story has a unique premise and potential to evolve into much more.
  
  I wish there was more of it. I liked the way you broke from the telling and moved into the dialog.
  Having your work compared to other authors is a good thing, but I think you clearly have your own voice in the piece and it is cler to me that you are comfortable with it.
  
  Thunder ===}>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>