Sirona, i enjoyed it. The story got better and drew me in as it went on .Keep writing ..
That website looks interesting too.
Help me out? a request for critique on my writing
by Sirona 39 Replies latest jw friends
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SanFranciscoJim
Its great that you went ahead and wrote it. That is the biggest step I think for many people who would like to be "proper" writers. I've got a great idea for a book that has been going around in my head for about 2 years, but until I tried the short story route I didn't know if I even could. Even now, I've got a lot to learn before I could even attempt it. The thing is, I'm only 28 so I've got plenty time (Goddess willing).
I looked at the site. The thing is, I haven't got a current paypal account so I'll have to create one. Also I'm in UK so is that OK for postage? I'd rather have a copy signed by the author! When you're up there in the best seller lists I can say I know you! LOL
Sirona
Sirona, the most important thing is to remain true to your own style of writing. If you try to stick to a "suggested format", you'll end up dousing your own creativity, and that would be a shame. You'll find that writing a full-length novel is very different from writing a short story. I hope you'll give it a try.
Regarding ordering a copy of my novel, I'll ship them anywhere worldwide. I believe that Paypal works in the U.K., too. If not, you can mail me an international money order (available through your Post Office), and I'll send you an autographed copy by overseas priority mail. My mailing address is on my website.
If you do write that novel that's living in your head (and I hope you do!), of course I'll be first in line for an autographed copy, so I can say I know you, too, when you make the bestseller lists.
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Sirona
Thunder
Nice work, in such a short piece for a writer to develope characters to that degree and set out a scenario that holds the readers attention all the way up to the twist at the end is a good measure of talent. Your story has a unique premise and potential to evolve into much more.
Thanks! I have another story which I am revising. I'll let you know when it's up.
Sirona
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Sirona
Bluesbrother, I think that one of the best things about posting a story is when people say they really enjoyed reading it.
Jim:
I'll register for Paypal. Looking forward to reading your book.
Sirona
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UpAndAtom
?Shut up, O, and get on with the shit? ? This shows me a lot about Jack.
He swears and snaps when he talks? possibly he is impatient. His comfortable and commanding attitude implies he has a long history with talking to boards in this manner and understands them well. In this one little sentence, you told me more about Jack than your entire first paragraph. This is Gold! Consider deleting your entire first paragraph because it sucks very badly in comparison. Your first paragraph was classic exposition - try to avoid.
It took me several reads to understand the first few paragraphs, it really wasn?t clear at all where Jack was? or who he was, so this made it all the more difficult to continue reading past the first 3 paragraphs (although I finally did). As annoying as this was, it?s nowhere as bad as exposition.
You?ve written an ultra-short-story, but you?ve tried to cram too much into it. You obviously have many more ideas for future stories, but it?s not ideas that are your problem. It?s developing characters. For an exercise, try writing a story that can bring tears to the reader?s eyes. You will find this a very difficult task (if not impossible), because you?ll have to get the reader to actually care deeply about the characters you write about. I once read a book by Kahil Gilbran called "Broken Wings", and it had me blubbering like a baby. It was after I read this short story that I realized just what a bad writer I was myself.
Writing is easy, but deciding which parts to remove requires real talent? even wisdom.
Cheers,
UpAndAtom! -
Sirona
UpandAtom,
Thanks!
I'm a little confused though.
Your first paragraph was classic exposition - try to avoid.
Perhaps I need to learn more altogether. How do I set the scene for the story without that first paragraph? If I start with talking Ouija boards don't you think that that would be more confusing? I wonder how I would write without any exposition?
For an exercise, try writing a story that can bring tears to the reader?s eyes. You will find this a very difficult task (if not impossible), because you?ll have to get the reader to actually care deeply about the characters you write about.
Great idea. I will definately do that next I think. I have had a story flying around in my head which is a sad, sad story. I have just been trying to get my head around the best way to write it.
I appreciate your input, I really do. The thing is, I've never studied English to a high level. My sister has just completed her literature degree, and I did read many of the books she had to study (I'm not claiming that means anything really, I don't think that I could do that degree - reading stuff you hate and having to write about it)
Anyway, even if that story doesn't improve too much (I don't really know how), I will at least be able to remember these comments for future stories.
Sirona
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UpAndAtom
I suppose what I meant was, your 1st paragraph "told me" that Jack had a long history with the boards, however you actually succeeded in "showing me" when he was talking to the board. Thus, your first paragraph was "filling". Showing is always better than telling. Writers often get so carried away in telling a good story, that they fail to succeed in showing it to the reader... thus the reader never cares about the story. Don't get me wrong; I think you've got heaps of potential and talent.
The last two Star Wars movies were heavily criticized for their heavy use of 'exposition'. Many critics begged George Lucas to hire a professional scriptwriter in an effort to salvage the remaining episode, but alas, he thinks he's doing a good job... he isn't. When the bad guys fought the good guys, I couldn't have cared less which side won. The marriage of the princess and Darth Vader seemed pointless and stupid. The actors were constantly telling each other how much they loved each other, but they never succeeded in showing me. Instead, they actually looked uncomfortable with each other in front of the camera, so the script betrayed their acting abilities. It was aweful to look at and I remember wincing with pain as the young darth vader said, "I love you". TOTALLY WRONG! That entire scene could've been portrayed without any words at all, and I still would've understood what George Lucas intented.
I remember seeing a foreign film once, and the opening 3 minutes was a totally naked coupled f*cking each other. They were naked, and working up a good sweat, grunts, noises and all. They were not acting, they were actually "doing it". Now the reason I tell you this, is that the Director of this movie went to 'extreme' lengths to 'show me' they were a couple, instead of just telling me.
When I read your next work (and I'd love too), I want you to make me fell like I'm there. Make me believe that Jack really does exisit, and that it may actually be possible that these things really do happen.
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gumby
So my big advice is, loosen up and trust that the reader will get your point.You don't have to explain everything. Chill you'll be fine.
Sirona......great work girl
Thought I don't think you have the above mentioned problem........it's good advise to follow........IF you qualify the subject well enough.
I think writing, or drawing would be awesome talents to have, because the ideas are endless, and there is no limit as to what can be written or drawn.......simply by using creative imagination.
Have fun.
Gumby
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SheilaM
Sirona:
I really like the piece. I think you could develop it too a longer one or leave it as just a short narrative, as is. I think most of the things you brought out in the ( ) we're more editorilizing and you could "show" it in the story without telling it. Also, as they have brought out let the reader use their own sense on some of it.
The premise as Thunder said is wonderful. I like the that Ouiji board lisps LOL That is a cute but not corny thing and gives the boards a unique personality.
Sirona I like your style and think you have much talent
Keep writing....or as my proffesor says "read, read, read, write, write, write, re-write, re-write, re-write"
Sheila
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Sirona
OK. I'm not going to try and post everything I write (honest!) but for the purpose of our discussion here (and my unashamed attempt to pick your brains) I thought I'd post this to see if I "got" what you meant before.
I've started a follow up story (a follow up to the Ouija Guardian story) which can be viewed as a story in itself. I am posting the start of this story below. Let me know what you think. I tried to stop giving exposition and purely show the characters by dialogue and action.
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In the canteen of the School for the Dead, Jack met up with his best friend and companion spirit, Stuart, for herbal tea.
?That was some scary shit, Jack,? said Stuart, paling at the recollection. ?I mean, I?ve seen Ouija?s on overload, I?ve seen spooky things that crawl around inside peoples auric field, I?ve seen all sorts of stuff. But this was different?
Jack couldn?t think of one thing to say in response to this. If Stuart was scared, it had to be scary shit.
?Now I?m wondering why I ever chose Tarot. I mean I could?ve opted for Crossover Guide. I hear they get all sorts of perks when they?re hanging around waiting for someone to cark. But no! I choose to be a friggin? Tarot Guardian thinking the Tarot was like a Ouija but with a bearable voice?
They were silent for a few moments as an angel walked by. One always had to be quiet around angels.
?The-School-for-the-Dead? said Stuart, emphasising every word and screwing up his face, ?When you get here they tell you that dying is a good thing?
?Yep. It does have its ups and downs,? agreed Jack. ?So tell me what was so scary? I mean, they?re small, they?re pretty, they?re a pack of cards for crying out loud.?
Stuart?s mind drifted back to the previous night.
The moon had been full, which always meant that scary shit was prone to happen. Stuart was watching over a tarot reading. The psychic, named Gemma, was doing a fine job, her third eye chakra interacted with the cards nicely. Gemma turned over the next card, The Lovers. The cards spoke like a breeze through dry grass ?Ssshe?s being betrayed by a sssuitor.? Stuart saw the words drift up into Gemma?s third eye.
?Yeah Luv,? said Gemma, ?They say he is definately shagging someone else?
The girl gasped and then became indignant ?I knew it!?
?Oh for God?s sake,? muttered Stuart, rolling his eyes.
?Ssstuart? called the cards, ?You're next Sstuart?
?Now listen,? he replied, gulping, ?Get on with talking to the psychic, not me, and if you even think about opening a portal, there?ll be hell to pay? Shit, he thought, why did I have to mention a friggin portal?
Another card was turned over. The Devil. Oh Shit. This was the problem with Tarot; you know that dark things are coming but only seconds before they do. He pulled out his weapon and aimed as a watery swirl signalled the vortex?s formation. An ugly, slimy creature lifted itself out of the card and glared at Stuart in defiance. He fired, but the beam of his stun gun simply deflected off the creature, leaving it unharmed. ?Shit, shit? he swore, flicking the gun?s switch back to major (he?d left it set to minor arcana), but he was too late.
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