Marrying a non-believer?

sparky79

Hi there,

I am currently dating a Jehovas-witness, and have been for a while. We have talked about marriage, but a lot of what I hear and read is that for her to marry a non-believer is frowned upon by others in the religion. I am a non-believer of any religion. I have nothing against religion, but just have no interest in it. I have told her that even if we get married that I am highly unlikely to convert (it's not a choice, it's a belief - can't do anything to alter that), and would prefer our children to be brought up non-religious, allowing them to make a free choice once they are older. A Christian (evangelical) friend has even told me that she will be kicked out of the Jehovas Witness church, and will be disowned by her elders and family if she marries me and brings up children as non-believers. Is this true?

My main concern, is that she comes from a very poor background (neither parent works, and 5 children) and I am reasonably well off. Friends have said it's the money which is enticing her and she is prepared to go against her religion to lead a comfortable life.

Like I said, I have nothing against religion at all. Please could some people offer me advice as to her situation with her family and the elders of her church? Is this practice frowned upon? Many thanks for your help and advice.

avishai

My main concern, is that she comes from a very poor background (neither parent works, and 5 children) and I am reasonably well off. Friends have said it's the money which is enticing her and she is prepared to go against her religion to lead a comfortable life.
Like I said, I have nothing against religion at all. Please could some people offer me advice as to her situation with her family and the elders of her church? Is this practice frowned upon?

It's rrowned upon like you would not believe. Run away as fast as you can.

somebodylovesme

It really depends, I think, on if she truly believes in it or if she is going to leave it.

I am a non-believer (like you, of any religion) and I married a Witness. When we met, he was an active Witness -- but in our earliest conversations he told me he did not believe in it and was just going to appease his family. He stopped attending meetings after we started dating seriously. He did not stop going BECAUSE of me, nor did I ever ask him not to go - it was his decision, and I was just there for encouragement. He fortunately was never disfellowshipped, so he is now just inactive and can still have a relationship with his family.

Yet planning our wedding was the most stressful time of my life because of that religion. We were not allowed to have Witness family members in the wedding, and many Witnesses with whom my husband was close refused to come. It was hard -- but in the end, wholly worth it!

So I guess my advice is this: If she is willing to put YOU first, then I wouldn't just run. But the problem is, if she still actively believes, she will not put you first. You should also know (if you don't) that in many cases, if she marries you and stops attending, she could be disfellowshipped and would not be allowed any contact with her family. Now, she is a big girl, so she should know/understand that. But if that happens, people will blame YOU. She might later blame you, and you might feel guilt yourself -- not to mention all the Witnesses who will blame you and cast you as Satan. It is a hard position to be in.

I don't think there's a clear right-or-wrong choice. Running like hell would probably be in the easiest option, especially (I think) if she will not put you first. In a marriage, YOU have to be her priority (and she has to be yours), not that crack-head religion. If she won't do that, then don't marry her... because you will not be treated right. However, if she will put you first, if you two are truly in that life-long love that you just KNOW you cannot leave, and if you are willing to put up with A LOT OF CRAP - then it is certainly your decision, and perhaps love will conquer all.

I know it did for me.

Best of luck, and welcome to the board.

GreenDragon

Let's face the fact that most girls like guys with $$. Most JW girls I know are very nice and most of them do like $$.

You have to get the girl from attending the meetings gradually, take her out during the meetings hours. This could be a very hard task, if she is a pioneer, then you will have to pretend to be spiritual. Always pretend to be spiritual when you are around her JW friends. I suggest learning some scriptures; this could takes many months. Do not let them see you alone with the girl.

If you don't have that much patient, simply turned up to her house, get on your knees, takes out a big diamond ring and popped the question and if she says no then she is not the girl for you. It is better to find out early than to find out late.

HoChiMin

My main concern, is that she comes from a very poor background (neither parent works, and 5 children) and I am reasonably well off. Friends have said it's the money which is enticing her and she is prepared to go against her religion to lead a comfortable life.

Listen to your friends. You will resent the family in the long run, not to mention also support them.

HCM

scotsman

Like I said, I have nothing against religion at all. Please could some people offer me advice as to her situation with her family and the elders of her church? Is this practice frowned upon?

If she hasn't explained the implications of her dating a nonJW, and you don't know if it's frowned upon, you sure have communication troubles. I'd also suggest that you listen to yourself as well as your friends. If you have doubts about your girlfriends motives, don't think about marrying her.

prgirl79

Hi Sparky79,

I have been in a very similar situation, and i think it depends if she really believes in it. If she does then you should run. I was with a jw who never moved on and still believes in the "truth" If she does then most likely your relationship will fail and you will be left with a lot of heartache and lost time. I hear stories of jw and non jw and i don't think a lot of them work. I wish i saved myself from this cult and especially 5 years of heartache. I guess everything is a learning experience. If she puts you first then it could work, but if she believes then she won't. JW's put the "truth" organization first. If she truly drifts and leaves then it can work, but if she feels it is because of you that she is suffering losing her family etc then you will suffer. I think for some people it can work BUT ONLY if the person is not committed to JW's, and has TRULY moved on. It is easier to leave now instead of having to wait and see, and try to figure it out. Also it is easier to leave then work on it. It can be draining trying to be with someone who is a JW. In the long run it can be draining. You can't change them unless they are ready.

Best of LUCK!!!

Sassy

Even in the best of relationships in this situation, there will always be a divider of some sort in your relationship if one stays a JW. They believe in Jehovah coming first, the religion coming first before everything..

if you marry, she will be considered as disobeying, because they are told that scripture that says Marry Only In The Lord, means marry only a JW, so she will be shunned to some extent at least in the beginning for not obeying..

She will be expected to raise any children IN THE FAITH.. because any other faith is considered part of Babylon the Great, which is ruled by Satan the God of this system of things..

calamityjane

Your situation with this jw girl has too many red flags.

1. The marriage would be a disaster if she were to continue to be a jw. She'd constantly be wanting to convert you, and yes her relationship with her family and congregation will suffer.

2. She would have no choice but to feel obligated to bring your children up in the religion, then if a child required medical attention that required a blood transfusion, that would send the whole situation into a frenzy.

2. Second, if her family is of a poor background, they are going to suck you dry.

When I got married to my husband I was a baptized jw he was not, although he was raised in the religion. Because he was not baptized (although working towards baptism) at the time of our marriage, my own brother (who was brown nosing to become and elder in the congreation) along with some, what I thought to be close friends, would not attend our wedding.

I can go on and on but i'll stop here.

Run as fast as you can.

cj

sparky79

Thanks for all your help!! There is some great advice here that I really should listen to!

Its great to get a genuinely neutral opinion on it as when I question her, the replies always seem to be hedgy. Good to know also that sometimes it can work - but that the warnings I have heard are very true.

Thanks again for your help - I'm sure it'll be helpful to many others in similar situations too.

Marrying a non-believer?

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