Funny Monty Python Quotes / Sketches

by Sirona 24 Replies latest social humour

  • Sirona
    Sirona

    I found a great site. I love Monty Python. Add your own fav quotes to this thread.

  • arrowstar
    arrowstar

    here's one of my favorites

    The Argument Sketch from Monty Python Live at City Center **** A man walks into an office. Man: Good morning, I'd like to have an argument, please. Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before? Man: No, this is my first time. Receptionist: I see, well we'll see who's free at the moment. Mr. Bakely's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory. No. Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12. Man: Thank you. He enters room 12. Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT? Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that... Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS! Man: What? A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!! M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!! A: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse! M: Oh! Oh I see! A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door. M: Oh...Sorry... A: Not at all! A: (under his breath) stupid git. The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk. Man: Is this the right room for an argument? Other Man:(pause) I've told you once. Man: No you haven't! Other Man: Yes I have. M: When? O: Just now. M: No you didn't! O: Yes I did! M: You didn't! O: I did! M: You didn't! O: I'm telling you, I did! M: You didn't! O: (breaking into the developing argument) Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour? M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes. O: Just the five minutes. Thank you. Anyway, I did. M: You most certainly did not! O: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you! M: Oh no you didn't! O: Oh yes I did! ___ M: Oh no you didn't! \ O: Oh yes I did! \ M: Oh no you didn't! \ O: Oh yes I did! \ M: Oh no you didn't! \ O: Oh yes I did! \ M: Oh no you didn't! \ O: Oh yes I did! > very fast M: Oh no you didn't! / O: Oh yes I did! / M: No you DIDN'T! / O: Oh yes I did! / M: No you DIDN'T! / O: Oh yes I did! / M: No you DIDN'T! / O: Oh yes I did! ___/ M: Oh look, this isn't an argument! (pause) O: Yes it is! M: No it isn't! (pause) M: It's just contradiction! O: No it isn't! M: It IS! O: It is NOT! M: You just contradicted me! O: No I didn't! M: You DID! O: No no no! M: You did just then! O: Nonsense! M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!! (pause) O: No it isn't! M: Yes it is! (pause) I came here for a good argument! O: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an *argument*! M: An argument isn't just contradiction. O: Well! it CAN be! M: No it can't! An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a proposition. O: No it isn't! M: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction. O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position! M: Yes but it isn't just saying "no it isn't". O: Yes it is! M: No it isn't! O: Yes it is! M: No it isn't! O: Yes it is! M: No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says. O: It is NOT! M: It is! O: Not at all! M: It is! >DING!< The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops. O: Thank you, that's it. M: (stunned) What? O: That's it. Good morning. M: But I was just getting interested! O: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up. M: That was never five minutes!! O: I'm afraid it was. M: (leading on) No it wasn't..... (pause) O: (dirty look) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more. M: WHAT?? O: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes. M: But that was never five minutes just now! (pause... the Other Man raises his eyebrows) Oh Come on! Oh this is... This is ridiculous! O: I told you... I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY! M: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are. O: Thank you. M: (clears throat) Well... O: Well WHAT? M: That was never five minutes just now. O: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid! M: Well I just paid! O: No you didn't! M: I DID!!! O: YOU didn't! M: I DID!!! O: YOU didn't! M: I DID!!! O: YOU didn't! M: I DID!!! O: YOU didn't! M: (unable to talk straight he's so mad) I don't want to argue about it! O: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay! M: Ah HAH!! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha! O: (pause) No you haven't! M: Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid. O: Not necessarily. I *could* be arguing in my spare time.
  • Angharad
    Angharad

    This site has the songs and soundcips.

    http://www.mwscomp.com/sound.html

    I like the lumberjack song

    The Holy Grail is my favourite though.

    The scene with the rabbit (foul beastie)

    TIM:
    Behold the cave of Caerbannog!
    ARTHUR:
    Right! Keep me covered.
    GALAHAD:
    What with?
    ARTHUR:
    W-- just keep me covered.
    TIM:
    Too late!
    [dramatic chord]
    ARTHUR:
    What?
    TIM:
    There he is!
    ARTHUR:
    Where?
    TIM:
    There!
    ARTHUR:
    What, behind the rabbit?
    TIM:
    It is the rabbit.
    ARTHUR:
    You silly sod!
    TIM:
    What?
    ARTHUR:
    You got us all worked up!
    TIM:
    Well, that's no ordinary rabbit!
    ARTHUR:
    Ohh.
    TIM:
    That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
    ROBIN:
    You tit! I soiled my armour I was so scared!
    TIM:
    Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
    GALAHAD:
    Get stuffed!
    TIM:
    He'll do you up a treat, mate.
    GALAHAD:
    Oh, yeah?
    ROBIN:
    You mangy Scots git!
    TIM:
    I'm warning you!
    ROBIN:
    What's he do, nibble your bum?
    TIM:
    He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
    ARTHUR:
    Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
    BORS:
    Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
    TIM:
    Look!
    [squeak]
    BORS:
    Aaaugh!
    [dramatic chord]
    [clunk]
    ARTHUR:
    Jesus Christ!
    TIM:
    I warned you!
    ROBIN:
    I done it again!
    TIM:
    I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--
    ARTHUR:
    Oh, shut up!
    TIM:
    Do they listen to me?
    ARTHUR:
    Right!
    TIM:
    Oh, no...
    KNIGHTS:
    Charge!
    [squeak squeak squeak]
    KNIGHTS:
    Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc.
    ARTHUR:
    Run away! Run away!
    KNIGHTS:
    Run away! Run away!...
  • Sirona
    Sirona

    The argument sketch is sooo good. LOL I read it through again. LOL

    Sirona

  • Sirona
    Sirona

    LOL Ang. Killer Rabbits.

    That same film has the scene where the guy is just a head cos he's been sliced up and he shouts "its only a flesh wound. Come back and I'll bite your legs off!!"

    LOL

    Sirona

  • Sirona
    Sirona

    This is a good one - death visits a dinner party:

    GRIM REAPER:
    Be quiet!
    HOWARD:
    Can I just say this at this time, please?
    GRIM REAPER:
    Silence! I have come for you.
    ANGELA:
    You mean... to--
    GRIM REAPER:
    Take you away. That is my purpose. I am death.
    GEOFFREY:
    Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it?
    HOWARD:
    I don't see it that way, Geoff. [sniff] Let me tell you what I think we're dealing with here: a potentially positive learning experience to get an--
    GRIM REAPER:
    Shut up! Shut up, you American. You always talk, you Americans. You talk and you talk and say 'let me tell you something' and 'I just wanna say this'. Well, you're dead now, so shut up!
    HOWARD:
    Dead?
    GRIM REAPER:
    Dead.
    ANGELA:
    All of us?
    GRIM REAPER:
    All of you.
    GEOFFREY:
    Now, look here. You barge in here, quite uninvited, break glasses, and then announce, quite casually, that we're all dead. Well, I would remind you that you are a guest in this house, and--
    [whock]
    Ah! Oh.
    GRIM REAPER:
    Be quiet! Englishmen, you're all so fucking pompous, and none of you have got any balls.
    DEBBIE:
    Can I ask you a question?
    GRIM REAPER:
    What?
    DEBBIE:
    How can we all have died at the same time?
    [silence]
    GRIM REAPER:
    The salmon mousse.
    GEOFFREY:
    Darling, you didn't use canned salmon, did you?
    ANGELA:
    I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.
    GRIM REAPER:
    Now the time has come. Follow. Follow me.
    [clunk]
    [bang bang bang bang bang]
    GEOFFREY:
    Just... testing. Sorry.
    GRIM REAPER:
    Follow me. Now.
    [deathly music]
    Come.
    [eerie music]
    ANGELA:
    Well, the fishmonger promised me he'd have some fresh salmon, and he's normally so reliable.
    RANDOM:
    Stumm. Stumm.
    JEREMY:
    Can we keep our glasses?
    RANDOM:
    Mmm hmm.
    FIONA:
    Oh. Good idea. [hiccup]
    RANDOM:
    Come on.
    GUESTS:
    [mumbling]
    HOWARD:
    Okay.
    GUESTS:
    [mumbling]
    DEBBIE:
    Hey, I didn't even eat the mousse.
  • arrowstar
    arrowstar

    oh and this from Holy Grail...

    Father:

    She's got HUGE....tracks of land.

    Lisa

  • Englishman
    Englishman

    Thanks a bunch, Angharad!

    After clicking on to http://www.mwscomp.com/sound.html and listening to "Sit on my face" I fear that my innocence is lost forever.

    Englishman.

  • Angharad
    Angharad

    LOL Mike - I'd never heard that one before

    Can I just say ... Ni !!!!

  • prophecor
    prophecor

    albatross

    albatross

    albatross...its a bird it doesn't come in any bloody flavor!!!

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