The New, Never Ending, Best Jokes In The World Thread. (page 2)

Dan-O

A guy goes into the confessional and says "Pardon me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

Gopher

Jehovah's Witnesses have the truth !!!

Gopher

How do you get a one-armed ethnic out of a tree?

Wave at him.

There were three guys marooned on a desert island. One was Norwegian, one Danish and one Swedish.

Then a bottle floated up onto shore, and a genie popped out!! He then consented to grant one wish for each of the fellows.

So he asked the Norwegian, what would you like? "Oh, please send me back to my hometown of Oslo. I haven't had any good home-cooked food in soooo long!" And poof, he was gone.

Next the genie turned to the Dane and asked what his wish was? "Oh please send me back to Copenhagen. I would almost die just to have one of those wonderful pastries again!" And poof, he was gone.

Finally, the genie turned to the Swede and asked him for his wish.

"I wish I had my Norwegian and Danish friends back!!"

patio34

A man owned a small farm in West Texas. The Wage and Hour Department of Texas claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month, plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him chewing tobacco," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.

The farmer says, "That would be me."

blacksheep

Not actually a joke, but a Willy Nelson song:

Last night I went to bed at 2 with a 10 and at 10 I woke up with a 2.

Dan-O

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my son in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I'd never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray together or to ask what church I attended, but just then I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved to all my sisters and brothers and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

funkyderek

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.
He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:
"Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced his family..."

Granny fainted.

All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California and Oklahoma.

All our dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

The New, Never Ending, Best Jokes In The World Thread.

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