Bitter heart, angry boy

czarofmischief

My anger at the WT has been bubbling over. Under the surface. I didn't even know what was wrong with me. For months, I have been feeling not exactly well about the WT, but until recently I never knew how much they have stolen from me. I didn't know how much I've lost. My anger has no bottom.

I always thought I had gotten over it. That I had moved on. But then I trip over something that I pick up and look at and shudder with horror to recognize as a piece of myself. It's like picking up pieces of flesh that belong to me. Sometimes I feel like my guts are strewn around the floor like a ghoulish party decoration.

The case right now, the trigger for this surge of negative emotion, was a conversation with my JW mother. I rarely speak to her, but I do go over in the summer to mow the lawn. I guess the "mothers, fathers, sons and daughters" that the WT was supposed to give her as the "true Christian congregation" can't hack a little grass once a week, huh? I don't blame them, well, all right, I do, but on the other hand, I do get to see my family occasionally, so I should be grateful, huh?

And then it hit me as I went away, why should I be grateful for that? It's my right, damn it! I am owed a happy family life, especially by these twerps in Brooklyn, and they have NO RIGHT to try to get between me and my mother and father! How dare they speak such foul things in God's name? How dare they try to make me feel like a second class citizen? I am an American citizen in America and by God, I swear vengeance upon these nattering fools! Why should I kowtow and thank them for the thing that is already mine?

This is Abel's blood crying out from the ground, I guess, with nobody to hear or care but God. But the magnitude of the injustice simply overwhelms me and I have to speak about it or explode.

The shunning must stop. I swear, I hate the idea of legal restrictions on religion, but mmm, in this case... I would consider a strict investigation into the legal definition of religion. Go France! Sock it to 'em!

I might run for office on an anti-JW platform. Think I'd get in?

CZAR

Sunnygal41

{{{{{{Czar}}}}}}

I go through the same thing too! It comes in stages............I'll go along for awhile, happy, at peace, then something will trigger my anger about them, usually a phone call from mom with some comment she makes about the Society..............then I'm off and running! But, I've noticed that those come less and less, hence, I must be healing..............

Terri

Corvin

This is Abel's blood crying out from the ground, I guess, with nobody to hear or care but God. But the magnitude of the injustice simply overwhelms me and I have to speak about it or explode.

Czar, this is the place to go and speak about it. Good for you. Get it out.

I feel the same anger at least once a day. At least once a day, some overriding rule or policy that dictated how I am suppose to think act and feel resurfaces from my JW days, and I resent it; my youth was stolen and I am only now beginning to live and enjoy life. At least once a day, because the mother of my children is still a JW, we are imposed upon by their self-righteous crap . . . and it burns my arse so bad, and all I want is for those slithering snakes to stay away from me and my kids. It infuriates me that my kids mother and all the other JW's they know are pushing them to stay in the organization and get baptized which will only lead them to denounce me, their father, as evil, and stop talking to me. What EFFING nerve they have, eh?

I have gotten very good at telling JW's who push their crap on me and my kids to "knock it the hell off". But it is weird because sometimes it is like they don't even believe I am "apostate" and they keep coming back, lol. Morons most of them.

Take heart Czar and know that entire association of apostates are suffering the same trials and tribulations you are.

Best Regards,

Corvin

jgnat

I don't know if this will help, but here goes. Your story had some triggers for me, too. I was in my twenties, a single parent with two kids. My needy, neurotic, manipulative mother thought it was my duty to go over to her house and cut the grass. I blew her off. But it was years later before I realized how unrealistic her request was.

What really helped me let go of my anger and resentment against my mom (for being neurotic, manipulative, and on a steady decline in to mental illness), was to have a mini-funeral in my mind for what I lost. I let go of the mom of my childhood. I let that dream die.

Then, I was in better shape to get to know this "new mom".

I don't feel guilt anymore about setting limits on our relationship.

Sassy

I know how you feel Czar.. I don't get to see my mom either.. and she doesn't need me to mow her lawn so I don't even get that. I got a phone call from her, the very first since I told her last July I stopped being a JW and the only reason was because they won't have a computer for a while and so she thought if there was an emergency I wouldn't know what was up? As if I wouldn't call in an emergency any way if there was something up..

but that is it..

and you are right.. we have a right to our family. it really pisses me off..

Purza

I get that way too Czar -- except with me it is my father who shuns me. And I am not even DF'd. But the fact that I don't go to meetings is enough. It angers me that the organization has so much control over his life that he needs to shun his daughter. It makes no sense in my head. I know I took the leap and got baptized -- but seriously what can a teenager know about life (especially one raised as a JW)? Teenagers do not use their heads (I know, I have a teen). There is no way to make a life altering decision at such a young age. They tell us the consequences, but we really don't understand them. If I could go back, I would never get baptized.

Shunning is abhorrent to me. I hate it with every breath I take.

I'd vote for you Czar.

Purza

Snapdragon

Czar, make that two who would meet you at the caucases. I know this could easily turn into a "my scar is bigger than yours" kinda thing...but please allow me.

My mama was JW, so I was born into it. She divorced my dad when I was 3 'cause he beat her etc. She was disfellowshipped for going "off the deep end". She was reinstated, married dad #2. He left mom for her little sister (all of 19 years old at the time...what the hell?) and mom just quit going to meetings. So my whole life until this point has been dealing with shunnings of one kind or another. Mom disassociates herself and becomes, of all things, MORMON!?! Great so now she's apostate too. So in the mean time, auntie and dearest undad #2 (now uncle) get themselves reinstated. So they shun my Mom. Dear uncle becomes an elder and now no one talks to Mom except Granda, to her credit. But get this load of $hit. At my wedding (5/6 years after mom's great apostasy) uncle and auntie won't attend my wedding reception because mom will be there. But they go to the outdoor, non-denominational ceremony. See, uncle had to set a good example for his congregation.

Right, it had nothing to do with his guilt over that little stunt some 10 years earlier. And the fact that he can't be in the same room with mom because of his shame, and that was before her disassociation.

So here's the cherry, I don't even get along with mom. And I have this HUGE guilt complex over that fact. Because since I'm the oldest child I have to stick up for her.

How screwed up is this crap?

I despise shunning. Not that the Mormons have it, but at least when their members are "disfellowshipped" they don't go announcing it. No one even knows unless that person makes it public.

~A

Angry and bitter too.

Country Girl

Egads Snap.. I don't even know how ya deal with it!

Czar: My Mom doesn't call me unless she needs something anymore, in fact, now that I think about it, she never did. My family only calls me when they need $ to bail someone out of jail or wanting to bitch about something about other family members. They don't call me unless they need something... that is so sad. I am far away from my family because they are so dysfunctional, and STILL Witnesses. It's a double whammy. I love them very much, but they make me crazy. They know what a loyal family member I am, so for a long time they played on my emotions. Now I don't let them do that.

You know when a parent has never loved you, and hat is my Mother. She never loved me, and I know it, as much as I needed her. She was a very cold and intolerant Mother. Not to all of us, just to me. That's okay. It doesn't matter now, because I know now she is involved in this crazy cult, and unless she wants to get out, there is nothing I can do or say for her. That's okay... cuz I was smart enough to grow up on my own...

CG

cyber-sista

Czar,

I hear you on this one--I am trying to work past the anger, but am stuck in it a lot these days. It struck me tonight when I checked my email--no one is writing to me after 20 years of friends and family in the Org and that makes me sad and angry--I am not a bad evil person unworthy of their attension...they have nothing to say to me anymore and I am not Dfd or DAd, but "inactive" and that is enough for me to be cut off--even got a downright dirty look from a "sister" on the street the other day. Well, I am getting to the point where I want nothing to do with them anymore either. If that's what they want then that's what they will be stuck with and I don't want to be stuck there with them anymore. I am planning to move ahead to greener pastures...

czarofmischief

I know this could easily turn into a "my scar is bigger than yours" kinda thing...but please allow me.

Thanks for sharing, actually. It helps to know I'm not insane - that this is a real thing.

Thank you all for your kind words. My anger is back down to a simmer, instead of blowing the lid off the pressure cooker that is my head these days. My empathy to all of you. Shunning sucks.

Wow, hmm, I could mobilize the ex-jw vote and slide on in to a cushy job in the Pennsylvania House of Representatives for the rest of my life! (Yes, PA has two houses - you guys should look into our arcane and ludicrously bloated government if you are looking a laugh)

even got a downright dirty look from a "sister" on the street the other day.

Who the devil do they think they are? I mean, actually, right down to it, who do they imagine they are helping with that kind of attitude?

disgusting - that's what it is, it's disgusting.

CZAR

Bitter heart, angry boy

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