Bitter heart, angry boy

by czarofmischief 20 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Nosferatu

  A little more difficult for me to relate. I stopped loving my parents a long time ago. I've been trying to fix things up with my mother, but her JW ways are preventing that from happening. Really, how hard is it to apologize for something that has affected my life in so many negative ways (and I'm not talking about the JW upbringing). I'd like to forgive her for the physical abuse she put me through, but until she admits to it, forgiveness isn't happening. The WTS has warped her mind so badly, that she is convinced nothing ever happened. "I was like that when I had (brother's name), but when I started studying the bible, I changed my ways." What a load of bullshit. I hate being lied to, especially when it's right to my face. Because of this, I have to keep a certain amount of distance between me and my mother. I still cannot go to her with my problems, even the ones from my past. My brother has a lot of resentment toward my mother. He's also tried to resolve his issues with her, but has miserably failed.

  As for my father, I only quit loving him a few years ago when he was getting printouts of my bank account transactions, and not letting me have the posessions I paid for when I moved out. It was stupid that he wanted to keep my guitar amp, he can't even play guitar! Keeping it was a method of control for him. He knew I loved to play guitar.

  I was cursed with terrible parents. At a young age, I had to learn to function on my own. I had to learn to deal with my own problems, and being a JW only created more problems for me.
• 

  Puternut

  Czar,

  I feel your pain. Shunning accomplishes nothing. As a matter of fact it has the opposite effect of what the borg is trying to accomplish. It develops a hatred toward this institution. It's much like what the Nazi's did in the World War. Taking famlies away from each other, and ripping them apart.

  I have 2 daughters that have been ripped from me by the Nazi borg. Do I get over it? Never. Do I deal with it? Somewhat. Do I cope? To the best of my ability.

  So I understand that emotions can be suppresed to a point. But there are times when the pot boils over. And the only way to deal with it, is to vent, cry, scream and get angry. We're human.

  Puternut
• 

  Snapdragon

  Hey, it really does make me feel better to wallow in all 'yalls pain!

  Does anyone ever go up and talk to DF/DA'd members when you see 'em? I do just to show them that not everyone agrees with the "rules". Of course I was never baptised, so its not as big a deal. I just got my arse Removed. And was announced to be an unapproved association.

  They (the lost souls) always seem to be uncomfortable at first, but eventually seem appreciative. I guess it would be like talking to some of you guys, had we been in the same congregation. How would you feel?

  The other day I ran into a H.S. friend's mom. We'd always gotten along quite well. I asked about all the kids and when it came to the second daughter, she dismissed the conversation with a wave of her hand. "Oh, she's disfellowshipped." But I pushed and said......"yah, so how is she?"

  The mom was taken aback, but answered, and we ended up chatting for a good 20.

  It feels good, to do good, even when you had shunning taught to you as a family value.

  ~A
• 

  logansrun

  czar,

  Basically, when it comes to the JWs, the facts are pretty straight-forward: That's just the way it is. You're probably not going to change anyone, and you certainly aren't going to change the policies of the WTS. The only thing to do is cope. How you feel is up to you.

  I quote Marcus Aurelius from his "Meditations" (book seven):

  "When people injure you, ask yourself what good or harm they thought would come of it. If you understand that, you'll feel sympathy rather than outrage or anger. Your sense of good and evil may be the same as theirs, or near it, in which case you have to excuse them. Or your sense of good and evil may differ from theirs. In which case they're misguided and deserve your compassion. Is that so hard?"

  Bradley
• 

  Nadsam

  Dear Czar

  Firstly, I always enjoy your posts.

  Regarding your thread.

  We all have those types of experiances and only an EX-JW can really understand. Thanks for sharing such heartfelt information. Recently I was on a smoke break at work and overheard someone talking about their study they're having with the JW's. The person was very exited. For a few..and I must stress a few second I felt agin like a kid being caught smoking. Then I said to myself, to hell with it, I told this person why they must run as fast as they can from the "truth".

  I felt a whole lot better!

  Be strong brother. Its all in the mind. We can overcome the "lie"...it takes a bit of time.

  Kind Regards

  Nadsam

  [email protected]
• 

  hybridous

  Czar,

  So much of what you wrote is familiar to me, unfortunately. I live every day with those 'triggers' at arms-length. Sometimes, one goes off....usually, they don't. It's a constant effort to get past the hurt and be as happy as I can be.

  I love my family to death, yet my relationship with them will always be altered by the fact that I'm not a JW. I present the situation to myself like this:

  My life could've gone down one of two roads...the JW road, or the non-JW road. The JW road would've afforded me the best possible relationship with the family, but my life would be unliveable. So, that optimal relationship with the family comes at a cost. A cost I am unwilling, really unable to pay. Actually, the immense burden the JW life would have imposed on me would have made me so miserable as to negate the benefits of happy family life.

  So, here I am. I do the best with what I have, concerning them. And really, could I have it any other way?

  Would I trade what I now have, what I now know, to have my brainwashed family happy with me? No way - not ever. I have chosen the better road, the truer path. I am closer to being at peace with myself and the universe than I ever could have been as a JW. That life simply prohibited the personal growth necessary for me to have to make this life worth living.

  I guess it all starts with working to make something out of your life to be happy with, and concentrating on that. My happiness as a JW would have been dependent on swallowing bullcrap and selling it to my mind, telling myself that false things were true. I would have killed myself. One thing the JWs did each me is that lies are NO DAMN GOOD. That much is true.

  Realize what good things are in your life, and then go through it in your head, and see if it would've turned out the same for you as a dub. The family thing is the price we pay for knowing the TRUTH about the 'truth'. Given the choice to do it over again, I would make the same one every time.
• 

  Flash

  I hate the idea of legal restrictions on religion, but mmm, in this case... I would consider a strict investigation into the legal definition of religion. Go France! Sock it to 'em!

  I believe the time is near when ALL religion will get their reward. I think the War on Terror will be the motivating reason. France is halfway there!
• 

  czarofmischief

  Thank you Bradley, for your encouragment. I mean that. Sometimes I get into self-pitying mode and then need some good stoic philosophy to get myself out of it.

  However, didn't Marcus Aurelius persecute the Christians on a tremendous scale? Hm, seems there's room in his philosophy for a little martyr ass-kicking. Frankly, changing things is the least of my concerns. I just want to get some revenge. Throwing Sweaty Teddy Jaracz to the lions would be good for a laugh, at least.

  How I feel is NOT completely up to me. Other people DO have the power to change the way I feel, and it takes constant effort to keep my head up, as it were.

  Plus, I think religion needs to pay a registration fee - separate the nut balls from the real ones.

  CZAR
• 

  Abaddon

  Hi czar...

  I hate the idea of legal restrictions on religion,

  I think this is an interesting idea to go into. I know on one hand what you mean.

  On the other hand we have no difficulty in deciding it is fine to restrict religions from doing certain things; human sacrifice and temple prostitution for example.

  If certain activites by religions are okay to legislate against, why not others?

  I frankly have no problem in restricing religions when their doctrine conflicts with human rights.
• 

  LittleToe

  Czar:

  But then I trip over something that I pick up and look at and shudder with horror to recognize as a piece of myself. It's like picking up pieces of flesh that belong to me. Sometimes I feel like my guts are strewn around the floor like a ghoulish party decoration.

  Well, that's what ya get for sticking pins in yer face...

  "I had a g/f called Pandora, once. Never got to see her box, though..."
  (Spike, ala "Notting Hill")

  Commiserations dude. Just keep facing up to and sorting the issues as they come up.
  Holding onto the anger never helped anyone but the poor guy fighting through a blizzard with hypothermia, trying not to fall asleep.