Jesus Christ who had already been reigning invisibly (so that no could capture him) since 1874, looked at his Father's clock and decided it was high time to start governing and replace all earthly governments with his own dominion . But there was one small problem. Satan the Devil stood in between Alcyone and the terrestial clouds on which Jesus was planning to usher in Armageddon with a great big light show , stars falling from the sky, the moon being turned to blood, and so forth. Well, Satan liked having his fun on the earth and told Jesus that he was gonna make him late for his appointment. You see, Jesus had already revealed to his Faithful and Wise Servant Charles Taze Russell (a studious student of Scripture) his own timetable (apparently, he snuck a peek at the timetable from his Father), and Jesus would be so very embarassed if he failed to come on time. So Satan morphed into a great big dragon and Jesus similarly transformed himself into Satan-ella in order to lure the dragon away from the earth. Well, Satan took a look at what was sauntering his way and yelled out, "HOT STUFF" but then realized it was a ruse when he saw Jesus' gleaming crown, and so he took a swipe at Satan-ella. So Jesus then morphed himself into Michael the Archangel and began to kick Satan's ass . It was like the great Gladiator battles of old, and Jesus was given the and he kicked Satan's booty down to the earth . Oh how stupid of me! he then said. That was where I was gonna start ruling! And then he looked at his watch and he saw he missed his 1914 appointment. Oh crap!!! Not again, this is what had happened back in 1874. My dad's gonna get pissed off when he sees I did it again. Then Jesus's servant dies and he has to choose a new servant because in the meantime, Russell's group had splintered into many different groups and he had to choose one of them to be his servant. So Jesus thought of a clever ruse: I'll pick the worst group to be my servant, and tell them the wrong time of Armageddon , so Satan would be kept totally off guard. So in 1919 (or was it 1918?) Jesus chooses a drunk named Rutherford to be his new servant and revealed to him, "1925! Yes, 1925! That's the ticket". Little did Jesus know, however, that Satan had already chosen Rutherford's group to be his own organization! And so when Jesus communicated with Rutherford via his palantir , Satan was able to read his thoughts and knew it was just a trick and failed to fall for the bait . Jesus looked and looked for his adversary, but little did he realize he was under his nose the whole time in the organization led by the drunken fool . Meanwhile, Satan helped inspire lots of neat-o technology that promised to lure the whole world into his grasp. Jesus tried to keep his Faithful and Wise Servant occupied with lots of work and make them think that he was almost there, almost there, almost about to judge the world (tho he was "present" all along), but eventually some began to wonder why he was being so slow. After all, he's been ruling as king, but what the hell has he been doing??? Don't ask, Jesus says. Administrative stuff. The thing is, he's chicken to face Satan head-on at a time of his choosing. He has to still wait for daddy to give him the green light. Meanwhile the drunken ass dies, and the Faithful and Wise Servant has run out of food to serve, and they're all starting to fall asleep from trying to be Awake! all these years. Sleep deprivation is bad news. The Slave starts doing stupid things, like forbidding oral sex , being wishy-washy on blood transfusions, and making their own Bible by an old geezer who barely knows Hebrew . And they're so desperate to have Armageddon come, they start making up crazy stuff about the creation of Eve proving that Armageddon is in 1975 and something about babies born in 1914 . Satan starts to giggle, because he knows that these sheep will be asleep by the time Jesus actually comes. And so Jesus sits on his stupid throne frustrated , having ruled invisibly for almost 100 years and being able to do NUTHIN' but watch the world go growning on....
What really happened in 1914
by Leolaia 31 Replies latest jw friends
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franklin J
for a fact.....WW 1 happend in 1914; along with my grandparents marriage.
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TD
LOL Leolaia,
I don't know which was scarier, your narrative or that fact that I understood it.
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frankiespeakin
End comming 2034 AD??
Then the devil being the mastur- baiter set the trap,,and what bait do you think he would use???,,you can't guess this one,, because his intelligence surpases human understanding,, but,, we can peer behind the visible and take a peek,,by reading god's mythological word,,and it is here that the devil crafty acts become visible. It is here with the help of god's earthly organization that we can understand the hidden wisdom.
Jesus is no fool,, he is older than the devil,, so he's got more tricks in his bag. This seemingly insignificant group of bible students(JW) have been his secret weapon. He makes them appear foolish to confound the devil. But I regress.
The devil's crafty acts and bafoonery will catch this world completly off guard...
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roybatty
and tell them the wrong time of Armageddon , so Satan would be kept totally off guard
Never thought of that. Makes sense to me. lol
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frankiespeakin
The devil sure is smart.
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willyloman
So Jesus thought of a clever ruse: I'll pick the worst group to be my servant, and tell them the wrong time of Armageddon , so Satan would be kept totally off guard. So in 1919 (or was it 1918?) Jesus chooses a drunk named Rutherford to be his new servant and revealed to him, "1925! Yes, 1925! That's the ticket". Little did Jesus know, however, that Satan had already chosen Rutherford's group to be his own organization!
Boy, howdy! This explains everything. And this explains the rest:
After all, he's been ruling as king, but what the hell has he been doing??? Don't ask, Jesus says. Administrative stuff.
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frankiespeakin
This is too funny to let get burried.
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Kenneson
1914 came and went. Then it was 1915.
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Leolaia
frankiespeakin.....Well, I'm glad at least a few people thought it was funny....
Man, 2034 A.D.???? Well, you know, Jesus has a habit is being slow to act. Remember when he was on earth and told his disciples that some standing with him will not taste death, and that the generation hearing his words will not pass away before he returns? Even Paul in his letters pretty much implied the same thing. Generations of Christians have died and Satan is still the kick-ass ruler of this world. Maybe Jesus is just enjoying the pagan Christmas birthday parties too much!