by paulvarjak 19 Replies latest jw friends
SilentLambs,
While all of the advice is good, I like yours the best! It has often been my feeling that instead of THEM being mad, hurt, etc. by US, we should be mad, hurt, etc. at THEM.
I have found that often in small ways when someone feels you are willing to take the treatment meted out to you, they feel more justified in doing it. However, if you set boundaries, and let it be known in whatever ways, people often back up and lighten up in their treatment.
Pat
What a mess. So..... if you just slowly became "in-active" and didn't speak of your unbelief, they would still love you huh?
If they read the official WT site - it says under "Frequently Asked Questions" "Disfellowshipping does not sever family ties." So, if they6 are shunning you - that doesn't seem to fit.
Check out:
http://lonestar.texas.net/~pixels/jwfaq.htm
http://lonestar.texas.net/~pixels/momletter.htm
http://www.disfellowshipped.org/shunning.htm
http://www.reachouttrust.org/regulars/articles/jw/collins.htm
Well, the inevitable guilt trip card has been played. I feel like saying this.
You may not be 'up for this' but you could say...
"Nothing prevents us from being a family, but YOU. Yes, YOU, face it.
Why don't you read the Watchtower, for once, instead of being a parrot of misinformation. The WT does allow us to BE A FAMILY. It doesn't allow us to INTERACT SPIRITUALLY. And family life certainly can exist without a spiritual battleground. Where does the Bible say that love has to be predicated on spiritual blackmail? Even the WT allows for a middle ground. But a lot of self-righteous zealots, who seem to know more than their teachers, do not allow for that. When you fail to allow a middle ground, what you are doing is using spiritual blackmail. Until you grow up and become mature enough to deal with life's differences, just remember: you are at fault."
(I have just a little experience w/ this. My Rutherford-ite Dad called me faithfully every two weeks to 'preach me back to the stone age' for about 25 years. That was before I quit taking his calls. That's over 600 times!!! It seems that I have discharged the 70 X 7 scriptural obligation.
BTW, the only disagreement I've ever had is over higher education, and refusing to pioneer and starve for the rest of my life. I simply don't talk doctrine to anybody, anymore.
BTW2, I drifted away 20 years before the Internet and totally w/o the influence of ANYONE else. I make/made my own decisions.
The WT interpretation is an old one that was read to me. It could outdated w/ all the doublethink & 'tacking'. Too bad; I'll stand by that one. I learned theocratic warfare, too.
Oh, & if they absolutely have to preach: tell them to go to the KH and CHECK OUT A TERRITORY!)
When the 'guilt trip' card is played, my thoughts say, 'smash em flat with the biggest shovel you can find'. If there's gonna be a rift, get your side in, too. Trump their ace and shove it back onto them. Who knows, they may come around to at least a neutral position.
Why am I advocating something that may seem so harsh? I refer to my 25+ years of experience w/ a firm yes-sir, no-sir response. I add my brothers' 20+ years of capitulation. Looking back on history, I would prefer to be Winston Churchill than Neville Chamberlain.
Mustang
Jeff,
In reality, your mother is scared for your eternal life
Or the woman is totally selfish and absolving her self of responsibility to remain socially cognizant among her peers i.e.
…You are 28 years old and you made the choice to put yourself, and us, in this position. (if Paul was BITT, he didn’t have a choice to begin with)
…The name we have worked so hard to build for the past 40 years isn't the same now.
…Pride often gets in the way of our doing the things that are right but uncomfortable or embarrassing to us.
…but you got your intelligence through inheritance from our genes.
…Without our faith, we could not have endured what you have put us through.
…You left us. We did not leave you.
Flip
Hi Paulvarjak
I have to agree with Silentlambs observation – they will use any leverage they can to get to you, use the guilt trip more and more if you let them. It is pre-programmed, they are just reacting the way they have been taught to. I guess the intelligent thing is to be pro-active, IMO. Don't let them insult your intelligence, the WTS tells its people they are intelligent and well informed. But that is just to keep them on the straight and very narrow. In reality they are being duped and you are not, once again this is my opinion, but one I feel strongly about.
I tried to keep things calm between my Mum and I when I was df’ed, but in reality it only made things worse. I had to be straight with her for both our sakes. I know this because she has very recently seen the light and left the Borg and told me herself.
I’m sure it will work out
Cautious (because I’m not going to be duped so easily again)
I disagree that your family loves you. I don't believe anyone involved in cultlike thinking is truly capable of love because I don't think they are truly capable of even seeing you as a human being.
I say, write a short note that says, your love for truth and real life is the most important thing and you will have to shun them until they are able to see and love you as the person you are.
I am of course only one voice of many.
I wish you peace. Life is good
Live life
hugs
Joel
I read thru all the post and i see the same common thread , except for Old Fred- but what do you expect from the "Microphone guy"
anyway as i told my wife this am-- this is the reason that more jw will get out "INTACT" they now have a support system that simply was not around a few yrs back for the ones who left then
in my personal view- the time has come for any lurker who wants to know will i get any support if i make a MOVE well yes you will
i was on the phone till 12 last night speaking with a person who is in the process of making a Strong Move
the most important thing is to know HOW AND WHEN TO LEAVE
when I see post like the one on this thread i find it so sad. not to dog this person , but merely to make point
this persons WAS NOT READY TO DA himself- I BEG ANYONE out there please ASK BEFORE YOU MAKE THAT MOVE this way we can help prepare you for what you can expect
as we see thruout so many post
"your mommy letter was just like mine, was it a FORM LETTER OR SOMETHING"
ONE OF THe greatest things in our favor is that WE KNOW how JW think and react to things
as i have stated many times we have THEIR BATTLE PLANS we simply need to make better use of them ahead of time.
for example this person and not to pick on this guy for it could have been anyone- before dropping that DA letter would have been fully aware of what was coming down the pipe line and at least could have started to mentally brace himself-
i realize that each persons case is differt but we do see the common thread
Jump in the water and then ask for instructions on how to swim-
we all can learn so much esp for those who are trying to decide what direction they want to go in
I look forward to the day when we will see more folks saying i made the choice to DA and i was fully prepared for the Form Letter my folks sent to me instead of What do i do now
just my 2
james
paulvarjak,
My heart goes out to you, and what you are suffering through. JW or not parents have a way of making you feel sick and childlike when we don't have their approval.
With my mother I tried all of the above steps. I tried throwing her words back in her face, and we would end up screaming at each other. I tried to ignore her and not talk to her, and my heart ached so bad I thought it would burst. I tried to show her I was the happiest I have ever been in my life, and she told me it was because Satan had me in his control and so no battle of good/bad. I tried to tell her what I had learned about the WTBTS, and she hung up on me. Every conversation that we had seemed to end in a fight, until I told her one day that no matter what happens in her life or how she treats me I still love her. I would always love her, and when she got old and WTBTS would not care for her I would always be there for her because she is my mother, and she gave me my life.
I do not have a "normal" relationship with her, and I suppose I never will, but we can talk now it does not end in a screaming match. The two things that have helped was first time. She needed time to deal with her grief, and then my response of unconditional love.
Every parent is different, and mine is more crazy than different, but this was my experience and what helped me.
Nicole
Well, all I can say is wow. Sounds like the typical response from a loved one. I wonder if they have some sort of template they work off of? All I know is that this toughlove scenario doesn't make one want to bang down the nearest Kingdom Hall door. In fact, it has the opposite effect.
I had a similar letter once. But over time, it got better. I just asked my parents to respect my decision as I respected theirs to stay in the Organisation. We never had a choice. It was that way or no way. And maybe we are just too smart to buy into the rubbish being proffered from Brooklyn.
I hope you sort things out with your family. But at least you have peace of mind in knowing that you are doing the right thing for yourself and not just following along to please others. Nothing makes you more miserable, as you well know.
Good Luck,
Dins
