by Mary 16 Replies latest jw friends
One of my co-workers boss is dying of prostrate cancer. It's gone all throughout his bones now and he's heading downhill really fast.
Having had a brush with cancer myself, I feel absolutely horrible for him. What can I say to him? He's Catholic so I know he has a religious belief, but I just feel at a loss as to what I can say or do. He comes from a family of "keep the stiff upper lip" and so it's hard to break through the barrier. However, I WANT to say or do something.
Any suggestions?
Why not a nice card from time to time?
Can you talk to his wife/children and offer to give some practical help. I sat with one co-worker at the hospital so family members could do necessary things.
Blondie
Both of my parents died of cancer. One thing they both wanted was to 'feel normal,' and not talk constantly about it, so what I learned was to follow their lead...if they brought it up, we talked. If I had something I needed to say, I did. Otherwise, we kept it light and as normal as possible. However, that's not exactly the same situation as yours (I mean, it isn't a close family situation).
Do you have any way of finding out how he is doing mentally with it? It makes a huge difference to approaching him depending on how settled he is.
One thing that is always good is to just speak from your heart. "I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm devastated at this news." I found my parents did a lot of consoling of others...they were both relatively settled (at least that's the face they put forward) and spent some energy making it okay for the people they were leaving behind.
It's a difficult balance. Keep in mind that what he's going through is intensely personal and he may not want to focus on it to the level you need to speak. If you are going to visit, maybe, like Blondie says, write something down (okay, I paraphrased). Keep the visit light and upbeat, follow his lead, and be aware that his stamina is really probably quite low (my Dad's coworkers were fabulous about regular, short visits). And leave the card/note behind for him to read so you can share your thoughts and feelings but without putting it into his space when he might not be able to handle it.
*hugs* It's a really tough place to be. I hope it goes well.
When my cousin was dying, my brother said this to her "you are going on a beautiful journey, and you are so lucky to see it first". He didn't completely believe that, but he knew she did. He also told her she would be seeing grandma and grandpa again, our cousin Danny who died of leukemia when he was 47, our aunt who had died earlier that year, and a few others.
She was in a drug induced coma, but she would smile and nod her head occasionally. I told her I was going to miss her so much and assured her I would do all the things she had asked of me, before she got so bad.
It was impossible for her to talk about the possibility of her death, so many things were left unsaid until she went into the coma. I know she heard us though, because she would respond by squeezing my hand or by smiling. I offered to help her write letters to her kids and grandchildren earlier, but she couldn't handle it, and would cry, so she never did it. I wish I had just written them and had her sign them, because I know it would have meant a lot to them to have something like that. We did work on scrapbooks for the boys (who were adults) about their lives, and I finished the last one two months ago and gave it to that son. He cried when he went through it with me and he is 40 now. It just meant the world to him to have that piece of his mother.
I'm not saying you should say or do those things, but it might give you some ideas.
I ussually try to be very sympathetic with the beliefs of the families of a dying/term. ill person. I don't think of this as a time to apropriately express my own views of life and/or religion. Be as attentive as possible. You don't have to accept a persons religion to be a supportive shoulder. I would ask if there is anything they may need or make a visit to the hospital. Catholics are many times very family oriented. At times of impeding death the most you can do is be their to lend an ear. I also like to send cards/plants/food to families. Many times people can become depressed and forget to eat. Just being there is a good thing.
I have been unlucky enough to have 2 husbands die so I feel I have first hand knowledge.
Blondie is right a nice card and offer help to the family,maybe to mow the lawn,drive them to appointments and near the end maybe send a meal.Even near the last days the dying have hope something will change their condition so taking about thier death isnt wise unless they bring it up first.If he is in the hospital a visit would be nice and talk to lift his spirits.My husband loved the visits though he couldnt respond very much.
Remember the last sense to go is hearing ,so even if there seems to be no response,say only uplifting things
Galaxy7
We have had many kindnesses extended to us when a loved one has died. The most helpful has been when someone brings a meal. Everyone has to eat, but your grief can sometimes be so great, that you can't make yourself eat, let alone cook for your family.
One of my friend's husband mowed our lawn when my sister in law died in childbirth, one of the worst times in our life.
A few years later when my father in law died, I had a two year old that was driving me nuts. That same friend didn't ask me what I needed, she just came over and said "I'm taking Danny home with me. He can spend the night, or you can call me when you want me to bring him home." He loved her like a beloved aunt, so he was happy to go with her. It saved my sanity that day. She knew that he would be my biggest problem.
There really are many helpful things you can do, that help the whole family.
That's a good question.
We have all had family members who have died,,and sometimes you just can't think of all the right things to say. I'm speaking here of myself and the complete awkwardness you feel that causes a lump to fill your throat,,especially if that someone who is close to you is,, young,, and should have many more years of life left. I don't hold to any "proper" things to say,,just try to be there for them,,don't run away from them,,no matter how hard it is to face the grim truth. I guess that's the best you can do,,sincerely help them where ever you can,,listen to them,,sit with them,,be there for them.
I have been helping to support my dear neighbour as he is slowly dieing from brain cancer.
I guess the ways that I am there for them (him and his wife) are:
When the going gets rough: I cook lots extra and take over cooked meals and leave it in their fridge, especially if they are gone for the day on long doctor appointments. We have keys to each others house in case of emergencies... etc.
I take care of their dog when they were away for days on radiation treatments..or away for the many doctor appointments.
We stand and cry on each other shoulders..
I always greet him with a hug and kiss on the cheek everytime I drop over.
I make my visits brief as things get worse and he has to rest more. Know when there more alert times of day are.. and stay the length of time it takes to have a cup of tea. sort of like checking in. That way if he is in a bad state when I go over it's just a short visit.
He went into the hosptal with pnemonia this week.. and I go over to visit his wife every night after I tuck in my kids and let her pour out her soul. and talk about anything she wants to talk about. Support for the primary care giver who after 5 months now looks like a bag of bones.
I bought him a small mixed batch of different kinds of fudge and took it into the hospital. Sort of like a personal size. I was thrilled that he loved it. Picking out the fudge was easy it was picking out a card that was darn hard.
For someone terminal .. you don't get one that says Get Well. I finally settled on one that said something like. "thinking of you".. Hope this day finds you comfortable and rested...with love from..
Hope there are some ideas from all of this.
Oh, and sometimes support the primary care giver is important. In this case his wife and my dear friend. He feels good knowing that I am there to support his wife and I won't let the ball drop in that respect.
Sincerely
Special K
Wow. Amazing, thoughtful suggestions here. I imagine I would just want someone to tell me that everything will be okay once I leave. My biggest fear of dying is who will take care of my sweet Mozz? How can my loved ones help him cope and nurture him?
Just the thought of that makes me hurt.
