Time to get on with it

by onacruse 37 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  LittleToe

  Craig:
  Absorb, acknowledge, push aside.

  Just hit another wall (cycle of anger), huh?
  That sux.

  Now get your ass to Dallas, I want to meet ya at long bl**dy last!!!!
  LOL

  (Ok, Doug put it better than me, I know, but I had to put in my 2p!!!)
• 

  avengers

  pathetic sociopathological antisocial mind-controlling cult.

  I HATE WHAT THAT RELIGION HAS DONE TO ME, TO MY MARRIAGES, TO MY FAMILY, TO MY LIFE.

  I HATE THE WTS, AND I HATE THOSE THAT DEFEND THEM.

  Craig.

  I have family in the Northwest. One day when I get to Seattle you and me are gonna have a beer
  in one of the Micro Breweries. I insist. You are not gonna get out from under that.

  Andy
• 

  xjw_b12

  As much as this site offers a place to heal, by sharing, it can be counterproductive. I'm glad you are here Craig, but a cold turkey break may be in order.

  David
• 

  exjdub

  I think it is important to note that just because someone vents, does not necessarily mean they have not moved on, it just means that something traumatic has happened in their life, or is still happening with the rejection that comes from family still in the Org. I remember well how many times, after some extremely traumatic events happened to us and we decided to fade, that the elders and others would visit us and say: "Just get over it...move on...men are imperfect".

  What they did not realize is that we had moved on, but not the way they thought we should...we dropped out never to return. That did not change the fact that it had a profound effect on the way our family and friends reacted, like all dubs, and that our life had changed dramatically. How could it not after being "raised in the Truth" and staying for 36 years? Does it still affect our lives? Absolutely. Any abuse does. I just will not let it prevent me from pursuing happiness ever again. For many on this board, it is not just the fact that they feel they have wasted their lives, but rather that they still are getting stabbed by an organizational policy that forces rejection from family members. I don't know if one should, or could, get over that.

  Most everyone who leaves the Org is going to experience many different feelings that have to be dealt with at some point. If these feelings are indulged to the point that they prevent the pursuit of a meaningful and full life for that person, then the argument could be made that they are not moving on. If they are pursuing whatever happiness they can, and yet vent some anger over abuse by the Org, I don't see a problem with that. Remember, we are all bonded together as survivors of an abusive cult and it is quite normal to acknowledge the abuse and the anger that goes along with it and still live happily.

  Ona, I am sorry that you are feeling angry and I wish you the best. Warmest Regards.

  exjdub
• 

  Holey_Cheeses*King_of_the juice.

  craig,

  Remember - Don't let the bastards get you down!

  P.S. Does this mean you won't be locking so many topics?

  cheeses. Who was coming looking for his new friend reason.
• 

  shotgun

  Craig

  You and Kate have been very supportive of me, well at least Kate was that weekend you were away.

  Bud you are by far one of the kindest men I've ever met, ya know it's unusual for a man to describe another man as kind or caring but you fit the bill.

  You seem to take an enormous weight on your shoulders and try to support it all, maybe at times it's more than is humanly possible.

  Take some time to support your needs and wants which I think will probably also be Kates, I still remember and think of the luvey Dovey eyes you two shared while I was there, although it did seem like she was looking under your arm at me.(your too freakin tall for her to look over your shoulder)

  I am certainly no one to tell you how to cope or what to do because I'm on the Titanic myself....fing iceberg dead ahead!

  You don't seem to be the person who can get away with hatred as a motivator, your lover not a fighter...well ok maybe neither...but it sounds good huh.

  Just know this, If you want a pick me up and need a visit I'll arrange my schedule so that I can get away to Portland and eat your food and sleep on your couch...honestly..I would do that for you..I like Warsteiner beer BTW

  Or why not take a drive up here, I'll find a place for you two to stay..in the park..but I'll show you the best cheap entertainment we have to offer, mountains, lakes, beaches and beautiful parks...
• 

  imallgrowedup

  Craig,

  I am so sorry that you have been struggling with this lately. You are by nature a happy and optimistic person, and I have a feeling that acknowledging the sadness and anger you still feel over the heinous grip the WT has had over your life only adds to your anger -- because it is robbing you and those whom you love - of YOU!

  I know it's been said over and over, but I feel it bears repeating, and that is - losing your religious dreams, your hopes of everlasting life, your family and your friends is no different than losing someone close to your through death. You are going through the grieving process right now, Craig, and it is NORMAL to feel as you do. In order for people to be emotionally healthy, they must go through the process. Perhaps you were able to deny it for a while -- perhaps you never completed the process -- or perhaps something happened to bring it all up again -- but no matter the reason you feel the way you do today -- you are not only perfectly normal, but you are ENTITLED to feel the way you do. I can see that you have defended yourself well with those who have espoused the helpful "just get over it" advice, and the canned "you have the power to decide whether the WT wins or you win" mantra. Yes! Once you get all the way through your grieving process you will have a little more "power" over where to store these memories and how they affect you, but in the meantime, you MUST go through these emotions so you can get to that point! And even then, there may be something to trigger it all over again! Craig, you are NORMAL - and I think you have come to the right place to get the support you need through this difficult time. Please know that so many people here really, truly love you - they love the insight you provide, your quick wit, and your optimism - and it is our pleasure and our honor to help you through this difficult time.

  Although you have probably read these types of articles on the grieving process before, I thought I'd add it, just as a reminder of how normal you are, and as a reminder to those who think you should just 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps'. It has some valuable information on the grieving process, and some ways to help deal with how you are feeling.

  We love you, Craig. Please do what you need to do to get back to your regular self. We are here through your grieving process, and we will be here when you get through to the other side!

  Your Friend,

  growedup

  * * * * * * * *

  From: http://fl.essortment.com/stagesgrief_rbdm.htm

  The stages of dealing with grief

  There are common stages an individual may experience during grief. Grief is the pain of not having the person who is gone. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve.

  In one way or another, we are all affected by death. Losses are inevitable and are ever present in all lives. Death is universal. Grief is universal. We all must cope with bereavement at some stage in our lives. Even though death can be separated into two categories, long-term illness and sudden death, all death is sudden. The finality of death brings to those left behind a tremendous amount of emotional pain. Grief is not something abnormal; rather, it is a normal and inevitable step in our journey through life. Two simple definitions of grief are 1) the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern or behavior. 2) a normal, natural and painful emotional reaction to loss. We can grieve not only for the passing of a human life, but also for the death of a relationship (divorce) or we can suffer the same emotional reactions over the loss of a beloved pet. Grieving is difficult because it involved many intense feelings love, sadness, fear, anger, relief, compassion, hate, or happiness to name a few. Not everyone experiences all of these feelings but many in the grieving process experience several of them at the same time. The feelings are intense, disorganizing and can be long lasting. Grieving often feels has been described as drowning in a sea of painful emotions. There are certain stages of grief. 1) Shock Immediately following the death of a loved one it is difficult to accept the loss. A feeling of unreality occurs. During those first days and through any religious rituals or memorials there is a feeling of being-out-of-touch. 2) Emotional Release the awareness of just how dreadful the loss is accompanied by intense pangs of grief. In this stage a grieving individuals sleeps badly and weeps uncontrollably 3) Panic - For some time a grieving person can feel in the grip of mental instability. They can find themselves wandering around aimlessly, forgetting things, and not being able to finish what they started. Physical symptoms also can appear -- tightness in the throat, heaviness in the chest, an empty feeling in the stomach, tiredness and fatigue, headaches, migraine headaches, gastric and bowel upsets. 4) Guilt At this stage an individual can begin to feel guilty about failures to do enough for the deceased, guilt over what happened or what didnt happen. 5) Hostility Some individuals feel anger at what caused the loss of the loved one. 6) Inability to Resume Business-as-Usual Activities - the ability to concentrate on day-to-day activities may be severely limited. It is important to know and recognize that this is a normal phenomenon. A grieving persons entire being emotional, physical and spiritual, is focused on the loss that just occurred. Grief is a 100% experience. No one does it at 50%. 7) Reconciliation of Grief balance in life returns little by little, much like healing from a severe physical wound. There are no set timeframes for healing. Each individual is different. 8) Hope - the sharp, ever present pain of grief will lessen and hope for a continued, yet different life emerges. Plans are made for the future and the individual is able to move forward in life with good feelings knowing they will always remember and have memories of the loved one. Grieving is difficult work. The following are some suggestion to help in navigating the journey through grief. -Take time. Dont let others rush you into getting over your feelings. -Dont make major decisions. The time of grief is a time of instability. -Avoid the temptation to use alcohol or drugs to numb the painful feelings. -Cry. Tears are the healthiest expression of grief. Dont try to hold back crying to the sake of others. -Know that there will be good days and bad days. Pangs of intense grief can surface during holidays, significant events such as birthdays or anniversaries. -Remember the loved one often and as much as you need to. Look at photographs, read old letters and retell your memories to friends and other members of the family. -Seek people who will understand your need to talk about what happened. Seek out people who will really listen to your remembrances. -Allow yourself time to heal. Pay attention to your health. Make sure you are getting enough sleep. Eat a healthy diet. Get outside in the sunshine for exercise or a mild walk. -Ask for what you need from others. Accept what help they offer. Now is not the time to try to do everything by yourself. -Seek out grief counseling if you feel you cannot cope alone. Grief counseling is available through community resources, churches and licensed therapists. Join a grief support group. Local community papers will usually have listings. Use the Internet and join an electronic bulletin board dedicated to supporting individuals who have lost loved ones. -Remember your grief is individual to you. Not everyones grief is identical to yours. You will share some similarities with others, but grieving is a very personal and very individual process. Death like any great wound leaves a scar. It may heal and the pain may ease but the mark is always there. But the memories of the loved one are always there also. The most important thing to remember is -- there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. People grieve in their own time and in their own way. The second most important thing to remember is everything you feel during bereavement is normal. The third most important thing to remember is if you feel you cannot cope with your loss alone, you dont have to. Seek help. Grief is the pain of not having the person who is gone. Through bereavement we learn to live without that person and in the words of St. John Chrysostorn, a bishop living in the fourth century: He whom we love and lose is no longer where he was before. He is now wherever we are.
• 

  Special K

  Hi onacruse..

  For me XJW hit the nail on the head when he said,

  "As much as this site offers a place to heal, by sharing, it can be counterproductive."

  It was 11 years before I came onto my first exjw site. This one.

  I thought I was totally over all the bitterness and bad feelings I had for the WTS.

  But as I read the new flip flops and read everybody's post. It tended to send me in a backward spiral of remembrance.

  Maybe , just maybe, you might like to take a break from Jehovah's Witnesses and ex JW discussion boards and spend time just in the here and now of your own life and present loves. Just for thinking about it.

  I'm not sure of the answers onacruse I only know from my own perspective.

  ..

  It's kind of like me with the daily paper. I am (addicted) to the news. But then I get to overload of all the bad news. Wars, hijackings, rapes, murders, injustice, hurt children...That I just get overwhelmed.

  I hit that spot, .. about 2 weeks ago again and have cancelled my subscription for awhile. I need to get my balance back.

  I took a big donation to the food bank and it felt real good because it is in my realm where I can make a difference and it makes a difference in my community where I live.

  ..

  People come to the forum sometimes in such distress one really wishes they could crawl right through the computer screen and save them, be there for them, help them. I have felt that way at times But, cyber help too has it's limitations. And one cannot be available at all times either as a poster nor as a moderator.

  Maybe some time away from the board would be helpful.. Sometimes I will take days and give myself a time limit..say like 1 hour and that's it.

  I don't know the answers but I know from shotgun that you are a great guy and I believe him when he tells me that.

  ((( craig )))

  Special K
• 

  bull01lay

  Hi ONA;

  It's pretty clear to see that you're hurting still - most of us are, and always will. While venting anger can be healthy, IMHO harbouring hatred of anyone, even the WTS, is unhealthy. I agree with Dan-O and searcher - whilst ever this hatred of them consumes you, you will never entirely be free of their control.

  Remember, there are some genuine people in the borg that feel they are doing the right thing (albiet V misguidedly)- should they be hated... or pitied??

  We are the lucky ones my friend............... move on and enjoy everything this satanic world has to offer!
• 

  onacruse

  Thank you all for your thoughts.

  I've had several "experiences" this last month; brought up bloody bloated stinking rotten corpses...too personal to explain.

  Not to ignore any of you, but a couple of responses I need to make:

  searcher, I didn't mean my characterization of your avatar as demeaning. You know that I know you as one of the most empathetic men I've ever met.

  shotgun, you just hang in there, dude. Common pain, and anger, and frustration.

  Again, thank you all for your responses.

  As a last: I'll cut my heart out with a dull knife instead of spending the next 30+/- years of my life being an exJW.