by lisaBObeesa 18 Replies latest jw friends
I completely agree with the others about a letter.
Write your letter, work thru drafts... and then sleep overnight and read it the next day (and do that again if necessary) before you actually send it.
Lisa, your heart is in exactly the right place as you work out this painful problem. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you work it thru.
bebu
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and support. You all are so kind!
You all have given me a lot to think about.
I guess I am going to go with the letter idea rather than the phone call. It really sounds like the best plan....Plus, almost everyone on this thread brought up the idea of a letter! Why didn't I think of that??
Still makes me kinda panic a bit, but not as bad as the phone call...at least I know I can keep my cool in a letter...
_LisaBObeesa
I don't like people pushing me in to a painful situation I am not ready for. If that were my counsellor, I would be looking for a new one.
OK, you brought up your guilt over losing contact, but why is direct contact the only way, and why push it? I agree with the letter first, a little more emotionally removed. Also, don't post it right away. Let it marinate in it's own juices for a few days, then re-read it. Does it come across or angry or accusatory? Will your sister get the message that you are yearning for healthier contact? If the letter is too angry, maybe it is a therapeutic letter for burning, not mailing.
Yes, everyone wants their family to be happy and healthy. But in your case you have a cancer in your family unit called the Watchtower Society. It has destroyed more families than you can imagine. If it doesn't destroy completely, it almost always ruins portions of a family.
I still maintain a somewhat 'cool' realtionship with my mother. But my sister cut me off some twenty years ago. I lost all contact with my two nephews and niece. Now, they're all grown up and I'll never get the chance to be that uncle to them that I could have been. A few years ago we had a little girl and suddenly my sister wanted to be sweet and loving, so SHE could have a relationship with MY kid. Well, screw that. I let her know I wasn't interested in any kind of a relationship with her and any idea she had about getting to know my kid was out of the question. I just won't allow any JW influence in my kid's life so she'd be out of the picture anyway. I only go to see my mom every couple of years (she's out of state) and I NEVER leave my kid unattended with my mom. I know she'd take any chance she could to talk JW to her (my kid). Not gonna happen.
Don't deny your feelings. You're angry and you're pissed about the way your sis' is treating your mom. Why not let sis' know how you feel by shunning HER? Afterall, she seems to think this is a practice that is acceptable, right? Seriously though, you have to decide what's the most important thing that you want. Do you want a relationship with you sister? Sure you do. Do you want it at all costs? Are you willing to have a relationship with your sister while she refuses to have a relationship with your mom? I'll bet you don't want that. Let HER feel what it is like to be shunned for a while. I wouldn't call or wright her a letter or anything. Nada.
Let me tell you a hard cold fact. There are going to be people in your life that you are going to realize that even though you may love them, they have an overall negative influence in your life. And there is nothing wrong with cutting them out of you life. It can be painful and difficult, but at least you know where you stand. There are those here that may disagree with this advice (maybe not very loving or something like that). Some want other's to make peace at all costs to 'save' or repair the family. It seems like the right thing to do. And maybe making peace or trying to keep the peace in your case is the best thing to do? Maybe not. Every situation is different, so you can't make a formula that every one can use. I only know what works for me.
Good luck,
Steve
I just wanted to put out here that my councelor is not pushing me into this at all. I said I wanted to do it, and I wanted to do it by the next session. I said it to get my butt in gear and deal with the issue. I just gave myself a deadline to give myself a little push. But maybe I am not listening to myself well, because I said several times on this thread,"I'm not ready."
Hummm...maybe I'm NOT ready!
The therapist is supportive and encouraging of my choice, and if I didn't do it, we would just talk about it. I didn't mean to make it sound like she is pushing me. I have a great therapist and she had helped me tremendously. The only pressure on me is the pressure I am putting on my self, because I don't want to put it off forever.
Ok...Just wanted to put that out there.
Now I will go back to marinating on what Steve Lowry and jgnat posted......
-LisaBOBeesa
You're doing the right thing....it will give you closure one way or another, and peace of mind and a cleared conscience. You are extending your love to her, and if she reciprocates that will be entirely up to her, but atleast you'll always know that you tried and you are the one who made the effort.
I do agree with some of the other comments, sometimes a letter is best, it helps to sort your feelings in writing, if she doesn't respond by a call....I would follow up and call her, make sure she had received the letter/e-mail.....you'll know then which way it will go.
You'll do fine, take a deep breath.
Lisa,
I don't know if you're still monitoring this thread, but I wanted to add something here. If you decided to show your sister how it feels to be shunned to try and help her see what your mother may be feeling, there are a few things you neeed to consider. One, it could back-fire and create a wedge between you and your sister that could be difficult to remove later. Secondly, you must be pepared for the long haul. Since 'shunning' your sister (for lack of a better way to call it), could result in you not speaking to each other for sometime, you must be prepared for death. Meaning, people die and you want to make sure you don't have any guilt where she (your sis') is concerned. So make sure that whatever you do is based on what you think is appropriate behaivior. I was driving to work this morning and thinking to myself that the advice I gave you works for me because I know it is appropriate for my situation. But would my advice to you for your situation also be appropriate? I don't know. Only you can know that.
If my sister died today, I would feel sad, yes indeed. But I would have no guilt where she is concerned because of my desicion to cut her out of my life. Ergo, I will be at peace with my actions and know that I acted in an approprite manner regarding her and our relationship. All this to say, you must take care in shunning someone as to where it could ultimetly go. Sometimes what works in one relationship can be disasterous in another.
Think about it before you act. I will monitor this thread for a while to see if there is anything else I can offer you concerning this dilema of yours.
Steve
Lisa,
Maybe you should take things a step at a time. Call her first and apologize for not keeping in contact. Admit you were wrong and feel badly about it. Since you don't agree about her decision to shun Mom, don't talk about that issue now. If she goes there just tell her you would rather not discuss that; your purpose in calling is to talk to her and apologize for having shunned her. Catch up on what has been going on in your lives instead.
Once you have gotten past this hurdle you can figure out how to get past the next one, if and when you decide that you need to. Your counselor should be able to help you with that.
Tammy
Lisa I am going through this same thing with my sister only she is shunning her own 2 sons and one of them is not even DFd, but not interested in being a JW anymore. I just wrote her an email and told her I am no longer in good conscience able to follow the mandates of the WT Organization. She wrote me back and said that she feels sorry that I have been "discouraged" and discouragement is one of the oldest tools around. (Of course we all know what that means in WT speak) If you do call don't waste your breath defending yourself--just tell her the truth in a few simple lines and leave it at that or you could say something like I can no longer support an Organization that is tearing families apart the way it has torn ours apart--this does not seem like anything to do with a loving God to me. I would suggest something along those lines, but it is up to you. Writing might be easier. All the best to you.
Love, cybs
