Calling my JW sister.....Help and Advice, Please!

lisaBObeesa

It has been a long time since I spoke to my sister?a year or so maybe? I made a promise to myself to give her a call in the next week or so. I also promised my counselor, so I really have to do it! Doh!

She is an active JW who shuns our mother and I am angry about it. I am really the one who stopped the contact. I didn?t just one day cut her off?it just got harder and harder to talk to her and I gradually stopped calling.

We had a blow-out about shunning, ok, I had a blow-out?I emotionally told her how I feel about shunning?.and then we dropped the topic, never to discuss JWs again. After that we had a few superficial phone conversations (she lives in another state), and eventually lost contact.

I am really feeling worried about this call. I still feel angry about her shunning our mom. I feel ashamed about my blow-out. I feel sad that we don?t speak and her kids don?t know me and I don?t know them. I feel sad she is not in my life. And mostly I feel angry about her shunning our mom. And I miss her.

I don?t think I am ready for this call.

Anyone have any advice, support, or stories of how you maintain a relationship with a sibling or family member who is a JW ?

Thanks in advance,

LisaBObeesa

exjdub

Anyone have any advice, support, or stories of how you maintain a relationship with a sibling or family member who is a JW ?

I have a very similar situation, however I was never able to resolve my difficulties with my only sister, and we have not spoken for 3 years. I did try to re-visit the issues with her, which is what it sounds like your counselor is trying to get you to do (although I don't know that for sure obviously), which did give me some closure. I realized in the end that I did everything that I could to improve things between us. Ultimately, by her actions and words, she chose to break the relationship. That has helped work things out in my mind.

Sometimes people just won't let a healing happen...I think this is especially true with the Organization. Is your counselor familiar with the JW's and the issues in connection with disfellowshipping and shunning? That would be an important component in my mind. Good luck with your call...I hope that you are able to sort things out, or at the very least, get some closure.

exjdub

garybuss

Sounds like it's time for a new counselor. What counselor in their right mind would want me to contact an active shunning Jehovah's Witness? Any counselor of mine that told me to call my JW brother would get a bill from me for every dime I had ever paid them and the next day they would hear from my attorney.

This just sounds way over the top to me. I wonder if Steve Hassan's clients are told to call Reverend Moon? I doubt it. :-) GaryB

lisaBObeesa

Gary, thanks for the post.

My sister doesn't shun me...she shuns our mother, if that makes a difference. I think my counselor is encouraging me to call her because I brought up that I felt badly about how things are between my sister and I and that I feel responsible to a degree. I told the counselor I wished I had kept in touch with my sister, but that it was hard to do that.

I have things to 'clean up' so to speak. I don't want to live the rest of my life angry and feeling regret over breaking off the relationship. And I hope I can have some relationship with my sister. But if that is not to be, then it is not to be. Still I have to take care of 'my side of the street'. The way it is now is not ok...not resolved.....

Sometimes it is painful and uncomfortable to grow. But not as difficult as holding on to bitterness and anger the rest of my life. I am committed to growing.

Still I feel like I am not ready for the call. Actually, I am scared to death! Why? I don't know... I don't know what to say, or what to do with my anger...

This just sounds way over the top to me. I wonder if Steve Hassan's clients are told to call Reverend Moon? I doubt it. :-) GaryB

I hardly think my sister = Reverend Moon. But maybe I am missing something.....

exjdub, thanks for the post...sorry to hear how things have gone with your sister.

Is your counselor familiar with the JW's and the issues in connection with disfellowshipping and shunning?

To some degree. I have told her a lot over the last year or so, and she has had clients from other high-control groups.

I realized in the end that I did everything that I could to improve things between us.

Thats what I need to do, too. Then I can accept however things turn out.

SheilaM

Why call if she still actively shuns your Mom?

patio34

Hi Lisa,

Would an email or letter be better?
If I were to come to you with the same problem, what advice would you give me?
How important is it to you? Could you "get over it" better without the contact?
Journaling always helps me to put things into better perspective. It taps into a different part of your brain.
What do you want to accomplish with the call? You listed several hard feelings you still have with her. You also said "I miss her." Which of these do you want to take care of? Or all of them?
What plans do you have to avoid any unpleasant confrontations? Would a list of subjects that you want to cover be helpful, just in case emotions started getting in the way?

Good luck and let us know, okay?

Hugs,

Pat

Sargon

Your situation sounds alot like what I've been going through for the last 25 years. I find that the only way to maintain a relationship with any of my witness family members requires avoiding all reference to religion, politics, the world situation... it seems at times the only conversations we can have are about the weather or sports.

I would advise you to TRY to maintain a realtionship with your sister. Someday she may have questions about her religion and may come to you for advice. Don't close the door, because they do; doesn't make it right.

Special K

What does your counselor think of you writing your sister a letter first.

With writing her, you get to say exactly what you think how you feel and talk about your mom etc.etc.

without anyone raising voices or hanging up on you.

How she responds to your letter will indicate how the relationship will go from there.

I will also give your sister something to read over and over and try to digest.

Then again maybe your just not the letter writing kind.. some people aren't and that's okay too. They would much sooner talk on the phone.

Which ever you do. I wish you well and be prepared for it to flip either way.. but at least you will as you said "have cleaned up your side of the street"... and there is something good to say about doing that.

Role playing different scenarios of how your sister may react might be good to do before you call. Your therapist could help you with that one. .. Be prepared is what I am saying.

sincerely

Special K

gold_morning

Oh Lisa,

I know how you feel.... so many of us do. Don't give up on your sister. How does your mother feel about your sister shunning her?

They really don't want to do what they are doing. Infact... deep down inside they know it is not right and they are hurting too. It is just that the organization means more to them than family. That is what is branded in their heads. They are earning brownie points before God. After all....are they not to give up mother, sister and brother for God.

They are told it is their good consciences not allowing them to talk to family members, they dont see it is really fear. To show you it really is not thier conscience think of this. If tomorrow the organization said to not shun anymore, but infact smother the disfellwoshiped with love......THEY WOULD ALL DO IT IMMEDIATELY. If it was really a matter of conscience based on principle they could not change thier practice so readily. It is really fear disguised as conscience. Lisa,... pity them. Try not to be angry. It is hard.....but ya know..... weren't we like them at one time?

My mother and I have barely spoken in 20 years. It hurts....and is always there in the back of my mind. I called her not too long ago and we talked some. I was surprised she gave me the opportunity. I told her that just incase anything ever happend to us I wanted her to know that I loved her......and I also wanted her to know ,that I knew she loved me too. I thanked her for raising me to believe in God and I told her that her and I were not so very different. That we both loved God and though we may believe a few things differently, bottom line we believed in HIM. She didn't say much......and though she didn't say it, I feel it touched her in a way very little else has.

Just a thought. I don't have all the answers...each case is to unique. Just know I understand your feelings.

agape love, gold_morning

Never give up hope about them changing.

agape love, Gold

codeblue

Wow....what an experience. I am having a similar one as you.

I agree with Patio...writing her a letter and tell her you how you feel may be the best thing to do. Apologize for the way you conveyed your "emotions" about your mother to her...but not for the way you feel about the shunning topic. YOU have a right to feel the way you do. Reinforce the fact that your sister has the same right and you "respect" her for her own opinion and you would like the same "respect" shown to you.

You then have cleared your conscience for handling your emotional outburst. You have done all you can do in trying to mend a heated conversation, your way of "wiping the slate clean" and wanting to move on with your relationship with your sister.

The next step is for her to continue the relationship. After all, it takes 2 to have a relationship.

I truly hope all goes well for you.

CodeBlue

Calling my JW sister.....Help and Advice, Please!

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