was I stupid or what?

by Ciara 21 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Ciara

  You know, something dawned on me a while back and as I'm reading all the posts tonight, I can't stop thinking about this.

  All of you guys seem like you knew for quite a while before you left that the JW's were full of crap. I had doubts and questions, but the reason that I left was that I just gave up. I knew that I was never going to be able to live up to their expectations and I just got so depressed that I quit.

  After I was inactive for about half a year I started seeing them for what they were, but while I was active I always thought that I was the one with the problem. I don't know how I could have been so blind. Were they that deceptive, or was I just totally dense? I get so angry at myself for this. Sometimes I'm more furious with myself than the Witnesses.

  Anybody else have problems with this?

  Ciara
• 

  Mulan

  We knew for a long time, before we left, but I am angry that I didn't see it so much sooner. We were actually just trying to hang onto friends. You just can't do that............way too hard.

  It still makes me mad that I was so fooled for so long.

  Don't beat yourself up over that.
• 

  Nikita

  I pretty much "gave up" to pursue a life apart from them-but didn't feel like they were a cult/messed up until years later. Just figured they were the ones with the "truth" and I would be lost at Armageddon. So you are not alone.

  Nikita
• 

  Corvin

  I was df'd and only went to meetings about 2x year for almost 14 years before I allowed myself to see the bullshit. Because you are cut off from the congregation, you carry the illusion in your head that the spiritual paradise is inside of the org. The feelings of not measuring up play heavily upon your self-esteem.

  Corvin
• 

  simplesally

  No, I didn't see it until I got out. And still, I believe in so many of the doctrines............not the elders, not the control, but yes, I believe in God, and Jesus and when you're dead you're dead.
• 

  ESTEE

  Ciara wrote:

  I was active I always thought that I was the one with the problem.

  No, you aren't stupid ... only trusting. We were taught that the dubs were the only true religion. We were brainwashed. The jws use fear to control their masses -- fear of dying at armageddon, Fear of not measuring up, Fear of Gawd, fear of the demunz, fear of the elders, fear of the borg, fear of disfellowshipped ones, fear of the world. This fear was beaten into us. For myself, it was beaten into me from birth.

  I learned in therapy that one of the signs of abuse is that the abuser will turn all our doubts and questions with the borg -- back on us. It's our fault, we don't have enough faith, we don't read the Bible enough, we don't pray enough, we don't get to enough meetings, we don't study our lessons enough, we don't go in service enough... and on ... and on ...

  Of course, we know where we fall short, so we buy into their blame. Here is the interesting thing about the therapy. I learned that where ever there is blame, there is abuse. The elders abused us by blaming us for our "perceived shortcomings". I say "perceived" because in reality we are okay just the way we are. The elders were demanding perfection from us and we are human. The elders were judgmental, rather than accepting. They attach conditions to everything.

  I have been disfellowshipped since 1999. The elders judged my spirituality to be "defective" because I took up ballroom dancing and got involved with my partner. As if they have a right to judge my spirituality! Or anybody's!!! I feel sure one day their actions will come back to haunt them.

  These days I thank them for disfellowshipping me. Because that was what I needed to get away from them!And live my own life, not the life as set out by some elders ... or old boys in suits!

  I am sooooo glad I'm gone from the borg. I have a much better life now than I ever did prior to leaving. I feel happy these days, rather than depressed, as I used to be. So progress has been made. I hear that by their fruits you shall know them. Someone also told me once or twice you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. Ummm... where did I hear that now?! LOL

  Be happy Ciara! That's the best path you could be on!!!

  ESTEE
• 

  exjdub

  while I was active I always thought that I was the one with the problem.

  Ciara,

  I thought the same thing, but you have to remember, that is what has been repeatedly drilled into our heads from the WTS. If you have depression problems? You are spiritually weak. You see problems in the congreagation that are not being addressed and you mention it to an elder? You are not waiting on Jehovah...he will take care of it in his own due time. You have small children and sometimes it is just too difficult to make it to the meetings 3 times a week? You don't appreciate the spiritual banquet that has been prepared for you.

  There are many many more examples, but they all have one thing in common, it is always you that's to blame. Have you ever heard anyone from that cesspool ever take responsibility? Even when they admit that there are problems what do they say? Men are imperfect...You are finding fault and you have to overlook imperfection. So once again the blame falls on the poor individual who is just trying to live life and get along. So...don't be mad at yourself, be relieved (and I know you are) that you are now free.

  exjdub
• 

  blondie

  Blaming the individual member for the faults of the group is a CULT tactic. Be glad you are out, Ciara!

  You did the best thing, you found ex-members of the WTS cult.

  Blondie
• 

  Morgan

  Hi Ciara,

  I can certainly relate to your feelings. How bout this....I was never baptised a JW. Nope, I just took to heart that they had the truth and I was not worthy of God's approval. Over 20 years I beat myself up mentally because I couldn't adjust my life to the Orgs rules and regulations. How messed up is that?

  I plain and simply felt the JWs were God's people. And, I was destined to die at Armageddon because I was dirt. I didn't even care, as long as God cleared his name. Instead of fighting to find the truth about the 'truth', I sucummed to their theologies. And, as a result, I lived in depression for many years. I started to come out of this way of thinking about a year ago. All I can say is when it happened it was like a flood of understanding. I don't read their literature anymore, or care about anything they have to say. (I'm talking about the society, not the individuals).

  Anyway, I also felt like a fool. A bafoon for not taking my own interest in the Bible and, making my personal relationship with God just that. Personal. I feel like I'm actually getting my life back now. That I am allowed to control myself, trust in my own reading and understanding of the Bible, and God dosen't hate, or disaprove of me for doing so.

  Duped. Violated. Mislead. Anger. Bitterness. Hopelessness. There are alot of feelings we each go through on the road to recovery. Hang in there. Time can heal alot of wounds. And, remember....You are not alone in your feelings. The WTS has the problems. Not you.

  Morgan
• 

  bikerchic

  After I was inactive for about half a year I started seeing them for what they were, but while I was active I always thought that I was the one with the problem.

  What jumped out at me after I left the B'org is how quickly I could see them for what they are. I kept remembering how we were always warned to not miss the meetings or we would become spiritually weak, for me it was more like I woke up and got brains!

  Kate