by Ciara 21 Replies latest jw friends
Ciara, I just gave up, too. For years I hoped the end would come before I tired out. I was sad, too. There were things that discouraged me, but I just thought I was weak and unworthy. I wasn't even sure I'd make it through armagedon but thought I had to keep trying. It took a few years for me to think that maybe they weren't right; when I found this forum and then read "Crisis of Conscious" I was able to leave mentally. You are not stupid! You were part of a mind control group.
Emma
I always thought there was something wrong with *ME* because I couldn't get *IT*. When I left, I took that idea with me and basically kept it for 18 years.
I didn't challenge anything really until the Witness people started to shun me in 1992.
It was too HUGE an idea for me to think I was right and almost everybody I knew was deluded. That sounded too ego centric. But that's the way it all turned out. I have accepted it all.
I had some doubts for many years but I also thought I was the problem. Eventually I gave up trying to fit in and focused on my new career. That took a great deal of time and energy so I didn't have much time to think about the religion. So for a long time I just went through the motions of being a JW. Once I got established in my career I had more time to think and research my religion. The internet was a great help. I DA'd within 6 months of finding out the WTS was a load of crap.
I wasn't raised as a JW, so sometimes I get angry at myself for not researching it thoroughly before getting involved with them.
Walter
Boy are you not alone Ciara. I hadn't attended a single meeting for 6 months but was still a true believer. Thought I was going to die at armageddon/hoped I wouldn't, but knew I had to "get my act together" and go back. Thank my husband for having real doubts about the true-ness, and doing his homework eventually. What a weight of guilt off.
Don't feel stupid. You were in a high control group. you just had to get far enough away for your critical thinking to turn back on. For some that is while they are still in, and for others it is many many years. It's just good it happened.
Love,
O
Ciara, I didn't have one doubt before I left. I quite for selfish reasons, tired of the BS.. tired of the rules and never being good enough.. I thought I was sentencing myself to death at Armageddon which surely was around the corner...
After I left I realized the truth about them...
I never had the chance to think about it since I was raised a dub from infancy and was completely surrounded by them in my small town. I'm not even sure how I escaped, looking back, my life could have gone either way. I was so close to putting that full time Bethel application in yet I didn't and I live to tell about it. I guess just feel lucky that you've gotten out in the first place regardless if you were in 6 months or 60 years. Freedom is freedom.
I did have doubts, serious doubts that Armageddon would ever come. I just couldn't continue being a JW anymore. My thinking was that if they were right, I didn't want to live forever under their rule. That wouldn't be paradise for me; it would have been hell. So my plan was to exit, and IF (a very big IF) they were right, at least I would have lived my remaining years being free and true to myself.
Someone who knew what I was going through told me to read Steven Hassan's book. I did and was absolutely shocked! Only then did I realize that I had been in a cult. Then I found a website that told about the changes in the tax laws (it was a case involving Jimmy Swaggart, I believe, and the WTBTS filed an amicus brief siding with Jimmy) that prompted the change in the way they did business. Up until then I thought that the food and books they gave away at the assemblies was out of their generosity and following the Biblical example of Jesus feeding the multitude and all of that BS.
So no, I did not know for certain. They had me fooled as well. I was beginning to doubt, but I was still mentally part of the cult when I left.
Tammy
It's amazing how the organization looks from the outside. You just can't see it while you are still in. I've tried to explain this to my biological family, but they just don't get it... I guess they too will have to see it from the outside.
Some powerful truths found on this thread:
I believe in God, and Jesus and when you're dead you're dead.
It was too HUGE an idea for me to think I was right and almost everybody I knew was deluded. That sounded too ego centric. But that's the way it all turned out.
It's amazing how the organization looks from the outside. You just can't see it while you are still in. I've tried to explain this to my biological family, but they just don't get it.
Hey Ciara,
Don't worry, you weren't stupid. It's amazing how much you see, and how clear it all is, once you're standing on the outside. When I first left, I had no idea about the mind control aspect, or the fear and intimidation issues. Afterward, I marvel that I didn't see what seems so completely obvious now. But that's exactly the nature of mind control.
Since I spent a good portion of my life in the organization, my goal is for that time not to have been wasted. It will not have been wasted if I can use what I learned from the experience to enrich my everyday life going forward. And I definitely think that's possible. In addition to being able to appreciate with crystal clarity simple pleasures like being able to study any subject you want, there are also practical benefits as well. For example, I feel much stronger dealing in high-pressure situations now. I almost feel immune. When a salesperson starts trying to use pressure or intimidation tactics, I call them on it. I know that game now, and it ain't workin' on me.
Anyway. Hope that makes you feel better. Life is good on the outside, and it just keeps getting better. :-)
SNG
