So there I was, slaving away in a customers front garden, cutting fascias and guttering to size prior to affixing them to his home.
Like all window and gutter fixers, my clothes are covered with a hundred finger marks where I have used my forefinger to point in the mastic and then just wiped it on the nearest thing to hand, ie, me. I look like I have been the victim of a 1000 seagull bomber raid.
Then I noticed a couple of ladies going from house to house, slowly working their way towards me. Yup, it's definitely the pioneer crawl all right. They're chattering away to each other, lightly tapping on the doors and waiting an age before leaving for the next house.
But I'm ready for 'em!
I've come across this situation a number of times, and this time my rispostes will be incisive and cutting, leaving them gasping for breath at my audacity. I certainly won't tell them I'm DF'd, I'll definitely not tell them my name. In fact I'm not going to tell them that I was ever a witness at all! Heh heh heh.
Sure enough, they enter the garden where I'm working, where I totally ignore them. Eventually they walk up to me and ask me "If I'm the man around here".
At close quarters I can see that the lady is a bonny woman. She's well dressed, well spoken and obviously in charge. Probably a CO's wife at least. Gosh. Royalty almost!
I decide to take the initiative as soon as she has whipped out the magazines. I say: "Ah, your Jehovah's witnesses. I'm not very happy with Jehovah's witnesses. I've had very bad experiences with Jehovah's witnesses".
The bonny lady just looks at me and raises one critical eyebrow. "Really?" is all that she says.
I plough on. "Yes, really. My parents gave up all they had in preparation for 1975. My Dad was an air-traffic controller living in a nice house prior to then. Lot's of money coming in too.Then they gave it all up because of 1975, it didn't come and now my Mum is a widow who lives in a council house with no pension, no nothing, just her state pension."
Bonny lady is totally unmoved, she looks at me pittyingly and says: "We can't be always right about absolutely everything, all the time, you know".
I'm astonished at this. This not what I expected at all. Now my dander is up: "I just want to get my Mum outa there!"
Bonny lady looks down on me loftily: "So you want your Mother out, do you? You want to take away from her the suport network with which she is surrounded. You want to take away her social life. You want to take her away from the many friends which she will have accumulated. I think you should think very, very carefully what you would have to offer her as a replacement if you did succeed in taking her away from her brothers and sisters".
With that, she turned on her heel and stalked away, accompanied by the other, much smaller person.
My God, she turned me over and then hung me out to dry.
But you just wait till the next time, Mrs CO wifey....
Englishman.