The fall out of shunning

by unbeliever 20 Replies latest jw friends

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  unbeliever

  My mom has shunned my DF'd sister for 10+ years. My brothers and I are not baptised and she will have a relationship with us even though its very strained. We have gotten together a few times over the years and had a meal together that mom cooked. Of course mom did not include my sister. We were going to have one of those "family" dinners on Sunday and some how she found out about it. Her husband called up my brothers and I and reamed us new assholes. He said its not right what she is doing and its time that we stood up to her. Now we have given mom hell over the years for her shunning. We have considered numerous way to give mom a taste of her own medicine but never actually went through any of the ideas. He said my sister was in tears and that we were "doing her dirty" by participating in family functions when she was not included. I told him that we were not doing her dirty but at worse we were incredibily insensitive for not realizing how she felt. We were totally oblivious to this until her husband pointed it out to us. We canceled the dinner because we felt like shit and we went to her house and had dinner there. The subject was never brought up. My sister does not know that her husband talked to us.

  Mom had a fit when we canceled and we told her that her first born was very upset and that she needed us. We told her that the shunning had to stop and she said that goes against the Bible. I will spare you the rest of the gory details.

  I feel very guilty for not realizing how much these family dinners hurt her. I see more turmoil ahead. My younger brother and I have decided that we will no longer participate in these family functions. My older brother, who made peace with mom recently said he would not stop having dinners with mom and that we should not either. There was no reason we could not maintain a relationship with both. I told him we could still have a relationship with mom but participating in family gatherinngs where she was not included would not be right. He sees different which is his right. I just hate this cult. I thought finally I had put those demons to rest and it could not affect my life anymore and this happens. No need to reply. I just wanted to write it down and get it out.
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  Shutterbug

  I think your mom saw some control slipping away. She may have been having those dinners to put pressure on your sister, but when you and your brother said no more there went a large measure of control. This is not an issure where you can remain neutral, you can support your moms' half baked religious views or you can support your sister, I think you already know which one is the right course to take. Bug
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  4JWY

  ((((unbeliever))))

  Hang in there, I'm on your side -

  4JWY
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  unbeliever

  I forgot to post this. She wants all of us to take a cruise together. She has been talking about it for weeks. Now I did not plan to go on this cruise. Not because of my sister. It pains me to admit she was not a factor I considered when I said no. I said no because if I went I would gamble and would want to attend some comedy clubs. Maybe even some nude sun bathing on the top deck. She would not want me to do that and we would have had a miserable time together. Now I can see my older brother going because he is married and would be more into the whole family thing. I can see that causing my sister some major pain. I hope he does not go.
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  codeblue

  I am so sorry you are having such a "family conflict"...

  I am glad that your sister's husband actually had the guts to tell you how your sister feels....He cares a lot for her.

  True love rules over "conditional love"...Good for you for showing true love to your sister.

  Codeblue
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  Fleur

  as someone who has been left out of numerous family dinners/trips/weddings/ all other social functions that included my siblings in the past six years (including one 'weak' jw who would definitely have been df'd if she'd 'opened up' to the elders about her activities and not kept her mouth shut...) and one never baptized sib, i speak from experience when i say that i think anything you can do to help your sister's feelings heal whether you see your mom or not will be appreciated by her.

  99.9 percent of the family events that i am excluded from by my family because i left a man who abused me and then married one who doesn't include invitations for my abusive ex and his new wife. yes, you read that right. the man who abused me is welcome in my relatives homes, but i am not. he doesn't even go to meetings anymore! but yet, he is acceptable company and i am not.

  i cannot tell you how badly that hurts.

  hang in there, it's not a fun situation for anyone who is in it. your mom can't begin to realize the damage she is doing. and if she thinks such 'loving' treatment will draw your sister back...well, speaking for myself, i can only tell you that if they hadn't shunned me, i'd have been a lot likely to go back.

  now?

  never. so i guess maybe i should thank them for ensuring that i will never want to be a jw again.

  sorry you have to go through this.

  fleur
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  talesin

  I wish I had a brother like you.

  Sorry for all the stuff you are going through.

  talesin
• 

  RunningMan

  I have always maintained that the only way to ever end the shunning is for enough people to simply not play the game anymore.

  If I were in your shoes, I would invite both sister and mother for dinner, and see who shows up. I would refuse to attend any dinner that did not invite all members of the family equally. What happens then, is that the shunner becomes the shunnee - left out of events by their own will.

  It's an evil policy.
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  stephoness

  I think you are a good brother and should be proud of yourself for being there when your sister needed you. As far as your older brother goes, I think maybe if he and your sister could talk openly about your mother's shunning and how deeply it is effecting her then perhaps he would see things a little differently. Of course, he could just be in it for the free dinners and trips, who knows. I also agree that you should have a big family function, including your mother and sister, but if both of them show up prepare for a little drama. I would say that, if your mother makes a fuss or starts being abusive, she should be asked to leave the family function until she can behave lovingly and appropriately. Above all, don't fight or argue because that will just reinforce your mother's bad opinion of your sister, even if your sister didn't get into the drama, your mother would probably blame her anyway.
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  Undaunted Danny

  The watchtower 'organism' has created their very own Frankenstein's monster.[ the creature that turns on it's creator ] I have nothing to lose,they have taken my entire family,sooo now I can devote all my re$ources to,"kill the enemy"

  If I was a normal citizen I would be up to my neck with family commitments. It's the 'Invasion of the body snatchers'. The watchtower has 'cocooned' my 'alienated' family in the cult mind-control, psychopath ,"pods".