Sorry to put such a crappy subject on here but today and like this whole week has been pretty bad.
Right when I went to the 5th grade I started getting I was already in the suicidal mood of things and always thought about killing myself or killing a whole bunch of other people. All during elementary school kids picked on me since I had a habbit of crawling into corners and crying or just sitting and rocking in those corners. I couldn't talk to anybody, I stuttered and I threw up every time a person talks to me for too long that pushed away ALOT of people they always talked about me throwing up all the time and everything. So I was always the main kid to pick on all the way through elementary school but I didn't start going into the suicidal mood till the 5th grade.
In the 6th grade I started cutting myself like... once every 2 weeks pretty much. It was a hard time cause most of the kids from my elementary school came to the same middle school as me so they kind of went up to the teenage kind of making fun of people with like pranks that actually hurt way worse than just name calling. Right at the begginning of the school year a person put a letter in my locker saying, "I like you alot and I want you to meet me in the back of the school after the last bell rings." I was so freakin excited about hearing this I was happy for the first time ever in school for the whole day. I was just dreaming of how cool it would be the whole time in school it would be to have a girlfriend finally. When I went to the back of the school some kids walked up while I was back there and poured alot of bleech all over my hair and my cloths and were making fun of me for thinking a girl would actually want to go out with me. This put me over the edge like the whole 6th grade year. So after that I started to cut myself as I said every 2 weeks and sometimes alot more. All during the 6th grade year people made fun of that event mercilessly and always talked about how my hair was blonde and whitish when I'm a black guy, so it looked pretty rediculous.
From 7th grade and 8th grade I started to stop throwing up slowly when I tried to talk to a person. I took counselling and went to theropy from like 3rd to the 9th grade but it never really helped. I started smoking weed at like the middle of the 8th grade because I was trying to fit in with a few people. Most of the people that knew me as the throw up kid left for other schools or graduated from middle school so I could finally make some friends with the local potheads of the school. I started to actually talk to people half way well but I still stuttered and I could never look at a person. I was really depressed at this time like at many other times through my whole school experience, elementary to now.
In the 9th grade I started doing harder drugs since the dealers I was buying from were known for their coke and E. So I started doing them here and there, those things put me into an even worse mood. About 2 months in the 9th grade I was just sitting in my room reflecting on all the stuff that made my life suck and so I was just so fed up with it I just decided to end myself right there. I took about 17 tylenol PM tabs and about 5 Xanax tabs. I was so freaked out by how all that stuff felt so I passed out before taking the rest of them. I could call that a suicide attempt but it totally sucked but oh well.
When I came back from the December Winter break or whatever. I got arrested for caring some weed in my back pack. One of the kids that use to call me throw up kid, which was almost everybody, ratted me out and I got arrested. That was a pretty sucky time for me. I had to go to an alternative school for the rest of that 9th grade year and I had to go through court and everything like that. I denied it all the way pretty much.
So after that alternative school (AKA School prison, litterally) I went to this ghetto!!!! school near my house since I couldn't go back to my regular school. It was such hell. I couldn't make friends with anybody, not like I could have anyways, but everybody acted so ghetto and were so ignorant I couldn't even think about making friends. The kids there didn't do anything really except call me names since I was always by myself reading books and always answered the questions that the teacher asked. I had to go through a year of that now it's summer.
I've been knowing the girl I like for about... 6 months. She really don't give a second thought to me since we only met about 4 or 5 times but I think about her constantly. She's so crazily cool and she has such an open mind while still being a JW. She's so beautiful it's amazing. I was about to go to a little wannabe JW party today but I don't think she's going with me. I started contemplating all of the terrible things about me and I started thinking about killing myself constantly. Really been doing that all week pretty much and just here and there since forever.
My sister came in while I was crying terribly this morning saying I hate myself for like 30 minutes. We were about to go to the bookstudy but I was crying and stuff. So she came in and stuff and she didn't really think it was too big of a problem just thought I was nervous about this wannabe party. So I said nothing and she so left.
Really I just told you my life story just to show you why I have these "suicidal thoughts" and crap. I know it's cheezy and angsty but it's starting to hurt like it did up in middle school and I don't think that's all too good.
Just wondering if you guys ever had these kinds of things happen to ya with the suicidal thoughts or whatever and what you did to overcome them. OR you guys can give me some advice on how to cope with this stuff.
