Suicidal Thoughts

by Obviously Secret 27 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Swan

  Dear Obviously Secret,

  You need to get help. You can not deal with this on your own. You can not pray to Jehovah and have it go away. The elders are not the kind of help I mean either. House-painters, janitors, and window-washers are not a substitute for a professionally trainer counselor or social worker. Make an appointment with your doctor today. He or she can put you in touch with the right mental health worker for your illness. Yes, it is an illness. Your doctor will probably start you on meds or refer you to a psychiatrist who might be better able to start you on the right meds. It is often necessary to for your doctor to try you out on different meds until you both find one that will work, and then there may be even more time needed to determine the right dose for you. So be patient. In the meantime counseling will help you tremendously. Sometimes it won't seem like it, but it does work. One day you will wake up and feel great.

  You must make that appointment with your doctor and go. Tell him or her what you have told us. You must do this if you want to live. I think deep down you do want to live. I know I did. Part of me wanted to survive even though my soul was in the blackest hour of the night. You sound like a survivor and it is a great credit to you that you have made it this far. Use that inner survivor to seek help. I cannot stress this enough.

  I too was suicidal. I too was picked on and mocked. I too was from a crazy family in a crazy cult. I curled up into corners and closets and even under my desk at work. I burned myself and scratched myself and beat on my arms with an old shoe. I felt like an outcast and a goon and was convinced that everyone who was ever nice to me was only nice to me so that they could laugh at me behind my back. I would fade out in stressful situations and feel like I wasn't really there. I would go back in time and relive awful events from my past. The mental anguish I felt was excruciating even though there was no physical pain. I hated myself.

  I learned that these were all symptoms of a disease. This disease has a cure. There is no magic pill to make it disappear over night, but there are magic pills that work over time. You just need to trust your doctor to find the right one.

  Today I am happy and healthy and productive again. I feel wonderful every morning and at the end of the day I marvel at how good it was. You can get there too. If I did it, you can do it. You took the first step today in talking to us. The next small step is to call your doctor. If your doctor can't be reached on a Saturday, leave a message with his or her answering service. They will call you back Monday. Just hold on until then.

  Tammy
• 

  shera

  Big ************************hugs*************************** Obviously Secret.

  (also for anyone who has gone threw this or still is)
• 

  Obviously Secret

  I've been taking medication such as retalin and stuff for forever. Was considered to have ADD when every kid has ADD pretty much. Took Xanax for the longest but I become physically depended on them and I started popping like 9 a day. So I don't know. I feel it would all be over very quickly if I had a friend to talk to about it. Not a therapist a real friend. That would get me over a huge hill. However, my self confidence is like non-existant so I doubt I can do that so im just tryin my hardest to be friends with people. It's not workin well but I'm tryin. I'm feelin better since I got all this support here but im still pretty down. My goodness it's weird at times. I know your heart is just a muscle but it litterally feels like your heart is being torn out. Hurts so freakin bad but I'm tryin.
• 

  imallgrowedup

  OS -

  My heart is crying for you. I am so so so sorry that you are feeling this way. Being in chat with you, I would NEVER have guessed you felt this way to the degree you do. It just seems that there is so much to say to you, but when something touches me deep, it is hard for me to bring words to the surface. All I can say is that I think you are very special - you have struck me as very mature for your age, and very bright, too. Not to mention that great sense of humor of yours! Geez! You sure know how to crack me up!! There is a part of me that feels as if you need a fresh start - that the problems you suffered from as a child are following you everywhere, and that perhaps you need to start over where you are not already "labeled". Is there another school nearby you can transfer to? I also agree with posters who recommend finding a good therapist and an even better anti-depressant. There is so much hope in both of those. I know JW's think of therapists as "tools of Satan", but you need to get to one - FAST. Can you talk to a school counsellor about these things? They are on your side! My other suggestion is to tell you about the ills of Ritalin. It completely changed my son's personality, and actually caused depression in him. We have switched him to a new drug called "Strattera" which helps ADHD, but does not have the stimulant effect of Ritalin. I have seen such a difference in him! This could be a help for you, too. Please talk to your doctor about these things.

  In the meantime, I am going to pm you my number. I want you to call me - collect if you have to - if you need some support. You are a worthy individual, and you have a friend in me.

  :-)

  growedup
• 

  Lady Lee

  OS please get some professional help/ Try it again. But this time be brutally honest.

  Years ago when I was suicidal I finally got permission form the elders to get help. But I was told not to mention that I was a JW. So I didn't for a very long time. It didn't work. I got to a point where I knew I had to tell because that was one of the major issues I was struggling with.

  Outwardly I was pretending to be a good JW and inside I was dying.

  Abuse from anyone isn't easy to deal with. If you have no friends inside the JWs and no friends outside that can leave you feeling really alone. The advantage too of a professional over a friend is the confidentiality thing. A friend can get angry and turn on you (especially hard to find good friends when you haven't had many of them). The professional can't tell your parents or other people what you have said. So your privacy is protected. A good therapist will make a suicide contract with you to help you over some of those real rough spots.

  Right now you can pick up your telephone book and look in the front page. Most places have a Suicide Crisis line. They are anonymous. You don't have to tell them who you are. They are staffed 24 hours a day so if you feel like hurting yourself (including the cutting) there is always someone there to talk to. I live in a larger city that has a Mobile Crisis team. They too will talk to people on the phone or even go to the person if desired to talk and refer you to some people who can help. And there is us.

  When you push all your pain and anger down inside of you it comes out in unhealthy ways. Talking to others can help get it out. But there has to be a goal. Otherwise you are just spinning your wheels and going nowhere.

  I would think you are feeling very trapped. Home is the JWs and school is not good at all. But if you get the help you need and can make a life you feel good about then the thoughts of dying will go away. I haven't thought of dying for the last19 years. And I spent the 25 years thinking about it a lot before that; most of my childhood and adult life in fact. But life CAN BE DIFFERENT.

  Please seek the help you need.
• 

  onacruse

  OS, your struggles go far deeper than anything this db can offer you, in spite of the number of professional psycho-therapists that post here.

  Please take their advise, and continue professional help.

  And, fwiw, your feeling of disconnectedness is by no means unusual; it's part of being a teenager...social integration, acceptedness, definition of personal identity.

  "This too will pass."

  Stay off the marijuana, eh? It kills your mind.

  Sincerely,

  Craig
• 

  FMZ

  Hey bud, you got a PM.

  FMZ
• 

  True North

  Obviously,

  High school is often a really bad experience for a lot of kids who don't seem to fit into the accepted stereotypes. It's not just you; you've got plenty of company; thousands of kids all over the country face the same sorts of trials every day.

  The good news is that this particular trial -- high school -- is temporary. You're sixteen? Will you be going into the 11th grade next year? If so, you've only got two more years to put up with this crap and then you're free.

  In the meantime, are there any good alternatives for you in your city or school district? Maybe there is a charter school or some other home-study program approved by your school system. Would an early-exit exam be something that is available and would work for you?

  Also, start looking ahead to your post-high school life. You're going to want financial independence and sufficiency as well as a career that interests you, so make sure you go to college and start planning for it now. Find out what your options are for scholarships, grants, loans, and work-study. If a four-year college is out of reach financially to start with, then start out at a community college for your first two years to get the general-ed requirements out of the way and then transfer.

  I don't know why it is that you've been assigned the ADD label, but from what you've said, it doesn't seem like there is anything going on there that should keep you from getting an education. From what you've written here, it's obvious that you can write well. Also, you said, "I was always by myself reading books and always answered the questions that the teacher asked." Clearly, you're already ahead of the pack in preparation for post-high school education.

  You will also discover that social life in college will be friendlier. Most kids there are more focused on getting an education and there is a higher level of respect for "bookishness". People aren't under the social microscope so much as they are in high school and there's not the same level of social pressure to conform -- there are so many people from so many different locales and backgrounds with different interests and circumstances. Sure, there will still be some obnoxious social snobs, but they will be easier to avoid and have much less power than they did in high school. Just make sure you hang with the kids who are serious about their studies.

  Take care,

  True North
• 

  Deleted

  OS, there's a definitive work on behavioral therapy by a Dr Burns called "Feeling Good". When I realized that Dubdom was not the truth I went through a horribly suicidal period, eventually being diagnosed as bi-polar hypo-manic. I think I must have been "off" for years - possibly accounting for why I converted to Dubdom in the first place. Between a drug for epilepsy (Tegretol) that had benefits for bi-polar and going to a cognitive behavoral therapist I got a handle on my life - and it felt that my left and right brain were working together for the first time. Very best wishes, you're in a tough place, but talking it through and getting some professional help will do wonders. Glen
• 

  Celtic

  Hey up mate, I can relate, if you ever want to drop me a line, feel free to do so any time, day or night, I don't mind. My number in the UK is 01326 314080, when some one answers, simply ask for Mark, mention nothing else, since there are jw family still living here ok.

  When I was a kid of 14 I was smashing my head against concrete walls trying to block out all the internal pain and anguish that was running through my mind constantly, I too thought of nothing but suicide and this lasted on and off until only about 2+ years ago. On coming out the witnesses, I smoked copius amounts of weed, took hundreds of mushrooms, did E's galore, acid aplenty, coke, speed, you name it. So I can relate to these experiences. I too used to try cutting myself with a knife and a few times actually came fairly close to copping it. These days strangely enough, it still feels like I'm living on borrowed time, that I ought really to have been, would have been better off dead long ago.

  You do get over these feelings eventually, I think you learn to be kind to yourself and internally you perhaps for the first time ever, actually make friends with yourself too. Therapy of course helps, at my worst point in 1999 I sought the assistance from both psychiatrists and clinical psychologists as well as psychotherapists in gestalt and other fields, to open up to them, whilst being ruthlessly honest with my own feelings helped enormously to off load the immense pressure and burden of the stresses I was going through.

  Like I said, telephone me anytime, I'll always give you a listening ear and empathy and loyalty, of course, anything you share, will always remain completely confidential. The offers there, you need not suffer alone.

  My kindest regards to you.

  Mark

  edited for spelling error