My mother says I should just DA already.

Julia Orwell

Cut the cord. Sever all ties. Start new.

And she's right. She's seen me in the throes of leaving this cult now for 2 years and how it's ruined my career and further addled my brain. She (non-jw) doesn't think I will ever truly heal til I'm officially off their books and free of them.

Yet something holds me back from doing that, from having my name announced for all jws (who have already cut me off anyway). Maybe it's the idea of burning bridges or still caring what those bastards think. Maybe it's that I don't want to make them right about me, that "see, she went to higher education and now look! She's left the truth!" or, "She always was too outspoken..." or anything like that. Or, heaven forbid, that I've done the dirty on my husband, which I haven't, but you know how JW brains work.

I'm quite sure Mum is right because I've been floundering now for two years. I can't hold down a job, I lack confidence to go and retrain/study, and I can't get off the meds. It all went pear-shaped starting 10 years ago almost to the day (that's a whole other story) and ten years of mental illness and floundering around in and out of a cult and not knowing where I'm headed has left me a ragged heap of broken humanity. If I DA I have no bridge for future contact with jws but really, am I gonna need it?

I just wish I could get my shite together. Talking to Mum today and hearing what her workplace says about me (she got me some work at her school in 2013) about how terrible I was at the job (true; I had been out of that industry for 6 years plus I was mega screwed up from just having been 15 years in a cult) made me realise just what a shambles I really am. Mum supports me the best she knows how, having never been a Jw herself and not really understanding what I went through. She's right about the DA but I'm just such a wreck of a person because of all this I feel paralysed. She suggests a cult counselor but we don't have them in Australia.

Fml. What does one do?

Julia Orwell

Oh and my cat died last week. She was so cute.

Vidqun

Sorry to hear of your cat. That's enough to make anyone depressed. I, personally, am better off not associating with Witnesses at all because they are so close-minded, and compartementalized (meetings, field service, conventions). Do not forget the constant judging, the conditions, worldly individuals, as well as their brothers and sisters. This alone is enough to drive anyone round the bend. But here you'll have to decide what's best for you. You are fortunate in not having family in, which simplifies matters. And the question is: Did you have real JW friends? I for one, had none. I am all for continuing the counselling, even if the person is not an expert in cults. Speaking about your problems to a neutral individual is always beneficial. And remember, you and your husband are a team. Going together can only strengthen the bond between you.

OnTheWayOut

You can DA already if that will help you cut the ties. You can go to a counselor that isn't a cult counselor and talk this out. Most counselors are prepared to help people face loss, trauma, abuse, negative influences in their lives. So they don't really need to be specifically cult counselors.

Some of us would never DA because we feel that just walking away is good enough. Others insist upon it as it helped them to get closure/finality. Whatever works.

Julia Orwell

Otwo, I was thinking like you, that is, my walking away is enough. But Mum thinks the symbolism of da will free me even though it's not going to change my already non-existent relationship with jw. She likens it to metaphorically blowing up the org.

OnTheWayOut

She likens it to metaphorically blowing up the org.

To be fair to your mother, I did that. I had an Unbaptism or Un-Dedication Ceremony. See:

http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/topic/133224/my-upcoming-un-dedication-ceremony?page=1&size=20

I had it totally private, just me. But inviting someone is fine. I may suggest such a ceremony for the Lake Tahoe Apostafest this year. I used fire- burning a LIVE FOREVER book (which I studied to become JW) along with Watchtower mags. Fire cancels water.

Consider it. Try it in the backyard at the barbecue, just you and your mother (or a whole gang). A speech can be made, a toast, a curse, you can scratch off a lottery ticket or rub a smurf for luck. I totally did mine, I didn't make that up. It really helped.

OnTheWayOut

From page 2 of the thread I linked above:

I just finished my ceremony. The rest area had grills, so after dropping my wife at
the ~~prison~~ Assembly Hall, and checking out of the hotel, I went to have my ceremony.
You all should try this, as it is very releasing.
The grill was full of wet leaves. I left them as I didn't want to start a wild fire. I just cleared the
center area and shredded a "Live Forever" book, a Watchtower, Awake, "Keep On the Watch"
brochure, and several DC invites. It was quite a pile of shreds.
I said out loud (nobody in earshot anyway) "It was 20 years ago this very month of April that
my life got sidetracked. I reached out to God for help, but a mind-contol cult snuck in and
took over. They led me to their altar and told me to dedicate myself to their organization.
They left out some information, so today I officially undedicate myself to the Watchtower
Organization."
"Right now, this very minute, my wife is attending a baptism talk at the local assembly hall.
The new recruits will undergo the same agony I went through for many years. It is fitting that
I choose this time to undedicate."
I had quite a problem lighting the fire, as the leaves were damp and the wind was bad, but I didn't
give up. Soon I had a large flame in the grill. That seemed appropriate. It's been hard to break
free from the WTS, but once I started on the way out, there was no stopping me, and I reached
the point of blazing mad, now hoping the flames will die down, so I can just move on.
As I stirred the paper with a stick, I said "Just as WT left out important information, I no longer
concern myself with the information I supply them. I am free to use deceptive methods to avoid
their witch hunts or withhold information. Since I was not fully informed about disfellowshipping
and false prophecies, my baptism was invalid. By my undedication, I renounce it."
After insuring the flames were completely out after the papers all burned, I left. As I turned the
key in the car, here is the song that was playing-
The Clash "Should I Stay Or Should I Go?"
Skip first stanza, go right to chorus-
Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know
This indecisions bugging me
If you dont want me, set me free
Exactly whom Im supposed to be
Dont you know which clothes even fit me?
Come on and let me know
Should I cool it or should I blow?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So you gotta let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

Awake at last

If you live in a larger area such as a city, DAing yourself is much easier than if you live in a small town where there is only one shopping area, one or two schools, etc., as you keep on running into people. In a larger area such as Newcastle in NSW or Geelong in VIC or a capital city, you are far more anonymous and can blend into society easier. That's my opinion anyway, for what it is worth.

smiddy

J.O. if you do decide to D.A. yourself you can view it as if you are dis-fellow shipping the organisation from your life ,freeing you up to live your own life on your own terms not theirs .

It may or may not help you , I hope it does

If you are still concerned about what those in your previous congregations think of you for doing that then maybe you need to address why that is so.

I`m pretty sure their are Counselors here in Australia that deal with cults , but if not where you are then any counselor is better than none .

I`m sorry you are having such a hard time dealing with this .

Take care

smiddy

Listener

Julia, sorry to hear that you are finding things difficult. Going to a counsellor could help but I don't think that it needs to be one dealing with cults.

You have told us previously that you joined the religion when you were younger and your parents were not JWs. This is not all that common and you should look at the reasons why you joined back then. Have you considered whether you were vulnerable back then or what it was that attracted you in the first place? Maybe your time in the cult helped to mask over any problems.

You've got a wonderful husband who sounds very supportive. Don't put unwarranted pressures or expectations on yourself until you are better and able to function better.

You write so well and are able to express yourself clearly and that is very positive.

If you feel you need to DA then they must still have some power over you, they don't deserve it.

My mother says I should just DA already.

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