The visit with my mother.........(long)

desib77

Well, as many of you know (I posted earlier about this) yesterday I had a get-together with my mom. I was soooo ready to just leave when she started witnessing to me, but..........that didn't happen. She changed her approach. Here's how it happened.

I was sitting at the dining room table and she comes in to talk.

Mom - "So, let me ask you, how do you feel about the truth".

Me - "Mom, I feel that that is a loaded question that I don't want to answer"

Mom - "Loaded, why?"

Me - "Because if I say something against your beliefs then I lose my mother and I'm not prepared to do that. I haven't disassociated myself."

Mom - "Well, you kind of have.....actually I'm not even sure you were marked. Did they tell you that they were marking you? You know, that talk they gave may not have been about you like I thought."

(Didn't realize they gave a talk about me....hmmmm....) Then she just came out and asked what she really wanted to ask. She hasn't brought this up before but now I know she has been suspicious. I've been married for over a year so this is how long she has been holding this in....

Mom - "Did you do anything to be disfellowshipped for? Were you and B. (my hubby) immoral before you got married?"

She sure put me on the spot.....what did she think I would do confess?

Mom - "I know you are a moral person and I'm sure if you made a mistake you would tell me about it, right? You would never lie to me."

Then she asked me if I ever talk bad about "the truth"....

Mom - "I have a feeling you're confused and you've gotten a hold of some apostate material"

Anyway, these are the highlights of the conversation. I left not long after, feeling bad as usual. Don't get me wrong, I blame myself for the way I feel. My mother is always going to be this way and I'm lacking a backbone when it comes to dealing with her. I'm also not well enough informed on issues like the NGO or any religous issues to discuss them with her....so I do what I always do, I back down. I'm always so pumped up about how I'm going to deal with her but then I fall back into the same ol' routine.

I wish I knew why it was so tough for me to overcome this control.

Desi

SixofNine

(((desi))) You are an adult now, and you need to somehow communicate that to your mother. Adults don't get to talk to other adults the way your mom talked to you. Well, I suppose witness adults expect to be treated that way by elders, but it's up to us to keep our conversations on equal ground.

Elsewhere

Mom - "Did you do anything to be disfellowshipped for?

That's odd... the other day when my mom called she asked me that exact same question.

I responded by I reminding her that I am not about to go groveling back to the elders to be "reinstated". If anything they should come begging me for my forgiveness for how they have treated me.

desib77

I forgot to mention the strangest part of all this...she said..

"Hasn't your dad told you that this is the truth? He knows it is."

I can't believe she thought that. Have you guys met my dad? He's eiu2003 right here on the same "apostate" website that I am. Yeah, sure, he KNOWS it is "the truth".

six -

I know you are right. I'm just having so much trouble standing up to her. I feel like a child being scolded when I'm around her not an adult. She is the only person that makes me feel this way.

blondie

desib,

Let me say I have been where you are, trying to please my mother.

My mother always kept changing the rules. I was a good JW and so was she. I would never be good enough because that was how she kept control.

Just realize that the "truth" probably has nothing to do with this, it is just a tool to control you with.

I bet your dad has not told her how he really feels or she has ignored it and is living in denial.

You can't change your mother but you can change how you react to her.

Life tells us we must love our mother and she must love us. Your mother doesn't seem to know what love is.

After too many years of trying to appease my mother, I laid it on the line. Stop this abuse and I gave examples, or I won't have any contact with you.

My mother had been using me as a unpaid therapist since I was 8 telling me her sexual problems with her husbands and saying there was nothing she could do to protect me and my siblings from my father's sexual, verbal and emotional abuse. She was afraid he would leave her.

You can't imagine how much better I felt when I finally defined my boundaries. I would only see her when other people were around such as my husband and my stepfather and never in my home (so I didn't have to ask her to leave). If she started the "abuse" then I excused myself and left. Since I stopped attending meetings, she has been calling (caller ID) but I delete the messages without listening. Now she writes, but my husband shreds them. She has tried to get others to call, but we delete those messages.

It is abuse, dear desib. I hope you realize that you will never be good enough for her. I bet your dad knows that she is this way.

Protect yourself and surround yourself with healthy, loving people.

Blondie

Fi

Tashawaa

"Did you do anything to be disfellowshipped for? Were you and B. (my hubby) immoral before you got married?"

UGH!!! What business is it of hers?!?!?!

When I told my mom I was seeing my boyfriend, she came out and asked me "Are you two having sex?"

I told her that was an inappropriate question, and none of her business. After a couple of days past, we talked again, and she apologized for asking such a stupid question.

Normal people don't ask these types of personal questions.

Shutterbug

You can't imagine how much better I felt when I finally defined my boundaries

Blonde hit the nail on the head !!! In order to have any peace you must define the boundaries. "I love you Mom, but these questions are none of your business."

avishai

saying there was nothing she could do to protect me and my siblings from my father's sexual, verbal and emotional abuse. She was afraid he would leave her.

Valis

well desi...maybe you and your mom AND your dad could sit down over a cold cool glass of Coca Cola and discuss the truth someday..

This post broguth to you by the Apostates Getting Paid By Coca Cola Foundation.

Sincerely,

District Overbeer

talesin

It sounds like you would like to maintain a relationship with your mom. Me, too! I'll just tell you my way of dealing with it. I don't expect you to use it, but it may spark some ideas for you.

Why not take control of this right now?

You have already laid the groundwork,

**Because if I say something against your beliefs then I lose my mother and I'm not prepared to do that. **

You 'could' say/write something along these lines.

Dear mom,

It was so good to see you last week. You know, I love spending time with you. There is one thing I would like to mention, though.

I do not feel comfortable discussing spiritual matters with you. Our relationship means a lot to me, and getting into the subject of the JW can only cause problems between us. I have no wish to argue with you or for either of us to feel uncomfortable when we get together.

Quite frankly, my mind is made up on this subject, and no amount of discussion between us will change that.

Please respect my right to make these decisions. I'm an adult, and a pretty smart one. I'm happy with my life, and my choices. I try my best to be a good daughter, and don't feel I have to come to the KH to accomplish that.

I love you, mom. Let's enjoy what little time we have to spend together, and from now on, let's make the subject of JWs and religion in general 'off-limits'.

May the force be with you, desi! And GOOD LUCK! (I love saying that, after all these years, it still feels naughty! hahaha)

tal

The visit with my mother.........(long)

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