The visit with my mother.........(long) (page 2)

Shutterbug

I wish I knew why it was so tough for me to overcome this control

Desi, it seems you and Chok have the same problem. http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/73796/1.ashx

You may wish to compare notes. Just a suggestion. Bug

Double Edge

Maybe another approach would be to lead her down a road where she would have to think and answer some "hard" questions.

Mom:

"Why do a lot of religions call theirs "the truth"

"Why are there still Bible Students studying and believing what they did over a hundred years ago, and yet JWs have consistantly changed their doctrine, beginning with breaking off from the Bible Students...how can JWs say they have "the truth", when they're the ones who changed? Maybe the Bible Students were the ones who held fast to "the truth".

etc., etc. ... pose questions that make here think, instead of saying here's were the JWs are wrong.

just my 2 cents (moms.... gotta love 'em)

desib77

I bet your dad has not told her how he really feels or she has ignored it and is living in denial.

I would have thought she should have gathered this when she and my dad divorced and he disassociated himself.

I guess one of my main problems is that when I stand up for myself I feel like I'm hurting her. I remember the pain I felt when my best friend left and I felt like I had lost her. At the time it hurt very bad. I wimp out because I don't want her to feel hurt.

Stefanie

(((desi)))

Thinking of you !

blondie

I guess one of my main problems is that when I stand up for myself I feel like I'm hurting her.

Hey, Desi. It's a bear isn't it.

In a healthy relationship, people can let the other one be different without feeling threatened or hurt by it.

THE STARTER LIST OF BOUNDARIES VIOLATIONS
From http://www.web-street.com/thingsarelookinup/

EACH behavior violates another person's emotional or physical boundaries and is therefore "abuse" - repeated abuse is often called "bullying". "Maturity is being able to control one's own behavior."
The Road to Emotional Maturity, by David Abrahamsen M.D.
"Growing up is learning to be fair."
From RAVEN, a St. Louis center to rehabilitate abusive men

Insults, put-downs
Giving Ultimatums
Orders
"Shut Up"
Sarcasm
Peer-pressuring
"Ganging up on" another -participating in or leading
Covert ganging up- turning others against someone, behind the victim's back
Rolling eyes
Dirty looks, sneers, and other facial expressions meant to hurt or intimidate
Storming around
Ridicule
Snobbery
Interrupting
Shouting
One-upmanship
Holding grudges
Threatening
Loudness
Badmouthing
Turning Others Against Someone
Acting superior
Insulting another's family or friends (to face or behind back)
Ridiculing one's valued beliefs
Questioning intelligence or taste
Stereotyping sex, race, ethnicity, etc.
Expressing superiority in sex, race, religion, etc. verbally or non-verbally
Prejudice
Verbal pressure for favors
Demeaning or degrading another
Calling someone "too sensitive" or "very sensitive"

Silent treatment
Refusing to admit when wrong
Refusing to apologize when wrong
Denying responsibility for actions
Changing the subject
Dominating the conversation (all statements, no questions)
Denying one's right to feelings ("You shouldn't feel?")
Jealousy: displaying jealousy
Acting indifferent
Taking anger out on others
Withholding compliments or approval on purpose
Judgementalism
Labelling ("You are.." "You need")
Psychoanalyzing
Advice-giving (particularly if it's constant)
"You always," "You never," "You should"
Harassing
Depriving one of privacy
Going into another's room/house without knocking and getting permission to enter
Depriving one of sleep, food
Blaming
Being uncooperative
Chronic impatience
Chronic procrastinating
Chronic lateness
Cynicism
Lying, deceiving
Stealing
Getting even
Forgetting things
Selfishness

http://www.web-street.com/thingsarelookinup/Boundaries/Boundaries-Violations-in-Adult-Relationships.shtml

Fleur

I wish I knew why it was so tough for me to overcome this control.

because she's your mother. and deep down, we all want to please our mothers, it's born-in i think.

yours and mine sound like twins seperated at birth, my sympathies! they just can't have a conversation about anything with anyone without bringing Big J into it. they just can't.

but they can learn boundaries and what is intrusive. and if they can't, then the visits have to be limited, and under circumstances you feel you can control, like being able to give her a kiss, tell her you love her, and then make your exit.

thanks blondie for that post, very interesting stuff. recognized my ex in there and a LOT of other people in my life, too.

hugs

fleur

desib77

well desi...maybe you and your mom AND your dad could sit down over a cold cool glass of Coca Cola and discuss the truth someday..
This post broguth to you by the Apostates Getting Paid By Coca Cola Foundation.

I'll take tea...

Desi (<----such a rebel)

desib77

It is abuse, dear desib. I hope you realize that you will never be good enough for her. I bet your dad knows that she is this way.

My dad is very understanding and helps a lot but when it comes down to it this is my battle. He has fought his and has moved on. I will have to change my reactions or the same routine will keep repeating.

Thank you, Blondie, for all the help. I'm really going to work on having a healthier relationship with her.

Thanks to all of you....I know I seem like a hopeless cause sometimes but I appreciate the kindness from you.

The visit with my mother.........(long)

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