by minimus 81 Replies latest jw friends
My mother is the only JW left in my family since I left. I'm not sure how I'll go about making her funeral arrangements, as she wants a JW funeral and I'm the one who's been selected to make the arrangements. I'm also DA'd. But she doesn't think anyone else in the family will honor her wishes with regard to the funeral arrangements. And she's probably right about that.
Walter
If something happened in my family, I'm sure I'd go BUT I dread the thought of being "love bombed".
For me, it is not about shunning them back. It is about being disrespected and treated as a subhuman by my family and (hahaha) friends, and refusing to condone it.
It's so hypocritical. Yes, I love them. But that does not mean that I will participate in their phoney 'inclusion' of me in a funeral service. Why am I all-of-a-sudden a member of the family again, when they are grieving? The very next day, I would still not be welcome in their home for dinner.
Oh, I can get a hug today because YOU need one. But next week, when I am really needing you to hug ME, I am once again shunned. Hell, I can't even call you on the phone if I am suicidal, because you don't speak to me. So jerk me around, only be there when YOU want to be, forget about my needs EVER being met.
That is emotional abuse in my books, and I will not be a party to someone abusing me.
I go to my sisters wedding next week. I was freaking out a bit and concerned that I would have to be very very drunk to attend a witness wedding in the kingdom hall. I finally talked to her about it and she told me it was not going to be at the hall, I breathed such a sigh of relief and told her "I love you! You don't know how much that means to me. I don't ever want to back to that terrible place." I don't think she knew exactly how to take it or react and she didn't say much. I was going to go even if it was in the hall, she is my only sister after all, but I would have needed to be very wasted.
So I won't have to be as drunk as I originaly thought, it will still be a witness wedding, with plenty of witnesses, but it won't be in the KH and I will have plenty of non-dub family around for support and drinking binges. I will try not to laugh during the ceremony when they mention 'jehover this and um-a-get-dumb that'. In reality I am still friendly with most of the witnesses, I can't say there is one of them I don't like, I just don't being preached to and I hope none of them tries that crap.
wish me luck
good luck sirius dogma let us know how it goes
Luck, SD!
I hope it goes well, and I'm really happy for you that you can still have your sister in your life. :D
I see that most people have answered, "no" they wouldn't go. I'm not sure I understand why.
I know there are various degrees of hurt and pain amongst all of us. I know that many are trying to fade away (myself inlcuded). While I am not formerly shunned, many people who I thought were friends treat me differently because I am inactive and for all intense purposes left the "truth". While I don't feel I owe them anything, including an explanation, I don't see why I should avoid my own family if they were kind enough to include me into their wedding plans. Why punish them or shun them because I want to avoid other JWs? If we claim to not let the WTS control on us any more, why are we afraid to be in the same room with them? Maybe we should go, face them, look them in the eye and let them see we are happy, well-adjusted people, who came to rejoice at a wedding or cry at a funeral of a friend and that they cannot harm us in any way.
Oh, I can get a hug today because YOU need one. But next week, when I am really needing you to hug ME, I am once again shunned. Hell, I can't even call you on the phone if I am suicidal, because you don't speak to me. So jerk me around, only be there when YOU want to be, forget about my needs EVER being met.
This is so true Talespin. There was this boy I grew up with and he got DF'd when he was in his late teens. In his early 20s his mother died and they had a "memorial" for her at the KH. My dad told me that we were "allowed" to talk with her son because it was a funeral. You could just tell how her son perked up at the memorial when we all embraced him. We even had a gathering afterwards and he went and we all associated with him.
One week later he said called this MS and said that he wanted to start studying again and the MS said okay. Well the elders got involved and said he would have to come back (the way all DF'd people have to do) to the organization first. Totally turned this guy off. Never saw him again. Heard he was now a drug dealer.
Oh. . . the love the Borg shows. . . . (sarcasm intended).
Purza
Maybe we should go, face them, look them in the eye and let them see we are happy, well-adjusted people, who came to rejoice at a wedding or cry at a funeral of a friend and that they cannot harm us in any way.
i agree, but i think that might be a little idealistic. maybe it's just me, but i don't have a problem with the building, it's the people, especially the atmosphere of their attitude. it's amazing how quickly the past can come rushing back to you when you're right in the the thick of it (and really experiencing that the past has not passed at all for those you'll run into at the funeral/wedding).
i also think that they certainly CAN harm us. depending on how long out we are and how far along we are in the "detox", i think that the pain and memories can come back all too fast if a guard is not maintained.
keeping your distance is maybe not necessarily "shunning them back", but maybe it's more of a personal survival mode.
i also think that they certainly CAN harm us. depending on how long out we are and how far along we are in the "detox", i think that the pain and memories can come back all too fast if a guard is not maintained.
Those are valid points and I understand that we all have to deal with circumstances in our own way.
For me, personally, I think part of conquering the fear of the control that the WTS had on us is to face it head on. I don't have a problem with walking into a room full (or even KH full of) JWs. They can't control me anymore. Why should I be afraid to face them? The downside to that is if you show up to too many JW functions, you show back up on their radar screen and the elder visits may start back up. But I refuse to play by their rules and allow them to alienate me and my family or few friends left in the borg. That's the whole point to fading, so as to not let them trap us into a DAing or DFing which alienates us from family and friends. Why alienate ourselves?
keeping your distance is maybe not necessarily "shunning them back", but maybe it's more of a personal survival mode.
It may be a personal survival mode for some, but it seems to be that we're allowing them to shun us too easily. I don't want to say, "I won't go to the wedding because they aren't going to speak to me anyway". I'm not going to the wedding so they can talk to me. I'm going to share in the joy of seeing a family member or close friend getting married. They don't wanna talk to me, their loss. I don't need their validation that I exist.
That's just my take on it. I know we all have to do what we have to. I'm not critisizing anyones decision to not go and I hope my statements didn't come across that way.
