I feel good

DanTheMan

After a couple of days away from the board and doing some hard thinking and contemplation about my life, and reading (though I'm not done yet and the conclusion may turn out to be a letdown) a fabulously insightful book called The Courage To Be, a funny thing has happened...I feel as sane, calm, and alive as I've felt in years, maybe ever.

Maybe this is a manic episode or something. Probably not because I'm not really doing anything productive nor am I making any grandiose plans.

I'm even at a point where I want so badly to say "hi" or something to that girl I work with against whom I've carried a bitter resentment against over the past year and 4 months (if you've been around you may remember the story, I'm not going to hash it out again). She's really not so bad, and I am certainly at least partly to blame for what went down, and the resentment that I've carried really only hurts me. As a matter of fact, I feel like burying the hatchet and developing at least a cordial relationship with her is one of the most important things I could possibly do right now for the sake of my own self and the people in my life.

But tomorrow I might be right back to "ugly Dan" - paranoid, suspicious, resentful, hostile, jealous, moroseful, the whole litany of self-defeating and childish emotions that have become such an agonizing, almost intolerable and suicidal thought inducing part of my daily existence.

God, I hope that I can maintain this. I feel so free right now. ( ugh, corny I know)

I really want to thank Sunnygal41 for calling me a Bigblowhard. Really. I'm thankful. You can't realize what an ass you are when you're never aware of people's true feelings about you. It's so easy to kid yourself into thinking you're so damn perfect. Also, I have seen a little of what a certain someone on a certain other board has said about me, and once again in a way I'm thankful for seeing that. I think it's good to know what your worst critics think of you.

Anyways, that's all I have to say, I've got homework to do so I won't be able to follow up on this thread much, at least not tonight.

Thanks for putting up with my little free-association. You gotta love this net thang.

kls

Dan the book i am sure is helping but i believe that is truly you, the one who want's to get along and not hold a grudge. You are afraid of getting hurt so you put up a front and lash back. You have a sweet caring side to you , just let it out and see . You also take things to serious and personal, just let it roll off your back. You are in there Dan , the person you want to be.

I don't think you are as crazy as you think you are.

Lehaa

Good on you, it feels great to start to get rid of old resentments and hostile feelings.

I have a habit of doing the same.

I hope you continue to feel this great.

It's nice when we can get ris of our burdens and begin to feel whole again, I agree with kls i think the true you is begining to resurface.

ApagaLaLuz

I feel as sane, calm, and alive as I've felt in years, maybe ever.

I love having you around Dan!! And isnt it a great feeling on those days when your soul feels light and you just breath easier. *muah* thanks for sharing :)

p.s. it's good having blowhards around once in a while, otherwise the air would get far too stagnant and heavy

talesin

Dan,

I had a similar experience a few months ago, here on the board. I just totally lost it one night. For a week, I did not return. Took a long, hard look in the mirror. Did some serious exploration of why I was reacting like I was.

I had a transformation. The way I describe it is by using the title of a movie I once saw "An Incredible Lightness of Being". I felt 'light' inside. More at peace. A sense of happiness that I had never felt before. Sounds kinda like what you're feeling.

Embrace it!

Some great thoughts from kls, here. I think she speaks da troot. It's great to hear you sounding so positive, Dan. It's quite a journey we are experiencing here, and I feel truly blessed to be able to share it with you and others like us.

tal

ApagaLaLuz

I had a similar experience a few months ago, here on the board. I just totally lost it one night. For a week, I did not return.

I think we all have Tale. It's good to remember that on days when it seems someone maybe acting abrasive for no good reason. We all have bad days from time to time. I for one try not to take everything everyone says too seriously. Sometimes someone just has a bad day, and sometimes someone is just an asshole too. I can forgive bad days :)

Special K

Hey Dan..

Sounds like things seem more in perspective.

Nobody is perfect. I told this to an exjw friend of mine the other day that..

If I expected everyone around me to be perfect all the time, everyday and every minute... well then I just should have stayed a J.W. .. or I should have never had kids. LOL.

I know I've made mistakes and have had to say sorry sometimes.. (my husband would argue with me on that one)..

Being open to take a look at one self is sometimes hard to do..I don't know if introspect is a natural thing to do or not. I have done a lot of intro and retrospect of my life since leaving the borg. Some I wanted to do and some I just seemed to be hurled into.

There are many posters here who I don't agree withh but I don't dislike all their posts, I just sometimes have a different point of view.

Special K

talesin

Thanks, Chevys.

SixofNine

it's nice to let go.

Be sure you don't try to get thru this without seeing "The Incredible Lightness of Being". Trust me on this one; you'll be a new man:

DanTheMan

kls, thanks for your kind comments. I think you've got me nailed pretty good, except for this part:

I don't think you are as crazy as you think you are.

Leehaa, I can never figure out who the true me is, always having some crisis of identity, but I feel like I'm making progress in that area. One cost of leaving the JW's that I wasn't aware of when I mailed off my bitter little DA letter was the devastation of losing the sense of identity and community that I had there. I think that is why this board is so important for me, even 2 1/2 years later, it makes me feel like I'm at least a part of something, because in my personal life I'm a bit of a hermit truth be told.

Chevys, *muah* right back at ya and thanks for your comments, and yes it's nice to be breathing a little easier.

talesin, I'm glad to hear that your similar experience wasn't some fleeting thing for you, because I've had moments like this too only to revert back to my previous pain-inducing ways.

Special K, life keeps forcing me into places where I have to do some heavy introspection. Last night I had one of the clearest visions (No I haven't been reading Dianetics) of just what sort of person I want to be that I've ever had, which was what prompted this thread, because usually I'm just stumbling along. I feel like genuine growth and maturity are within my grasp right now, and I need to seize the moment.

Sixofnine, yes letting go feels grand indeed. I will check that movie out.

I feel good

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