Post-wedding thoughts

Nosferatu

I found something out yesterday that kinda bugs me. First of all, let me go back to 1992.

I was 14 at the time, and my half-brother (on my mother's side) was getting married. My mother decided not to attend because her ex-husband was going to be there. I remember me and my mother talking to my brother on the phone. She told him that she wasn't going to attend. My brother was trying to convince her to come, and that she didn't have to speak to her ex-husband. But, this wasn't my ex-husband. I begged her to go. My brother offered to come pick me up, and bring me back safely. My mother paused, but she insisted that I not attend. I was upset, and my brother was also upset. He's directed his anger toward my mother by not telling her about her grandchildren until years after they were born.

My brother and his wife came out to visit for their honeymoon. What I found out yesterday is that my father gave them some money to support them (I don't know how much).

Fast forward to my wedding, which was a few weeks ago. My brother and his wife attended, and my brother was an incredible help in our ceremony (he was the best man). Anyway, I figured that my father, being the cheap bastard that he was, would probably give us $5 for presentation. He gave us nothing. My wife figured that he would only attend for the free food, and she was correct. We see him eating in the wedding pictures, and on the wedding video.

Does one have to wonder why I've lost my respect for him as a father, and a human being?

frenchbabyface

Does one have to wonder why I've lost my respect for him as a father, and a human being?

No ... no wonder ... (not because he didn't give you a cent, but because he was not fair to you - compared to your brother apparently ...)

Also I don't think you need your father ...

Billygoat

(((nos)))

We all need fathers. But sometimes our father isn't the person to do it. I totally understand. My father didn't come to my wedding either. My uncle, whom I'm very close to, gave me away. I understand the pain...the hole it leaves behind. The bastards will understand someday, the pain they've inflicted. I'm convinced of it.

Andi

Badger

I'm with FBF, Nos...(BTW, I never said congrats...so congrats, and I hope it goes swimmingly)...you've done well for yourself to get to this point with pratically no help...just you two. In my case, everything I've done in the past five years has also been almost without help...Incredible what humans can do on their own. Remember, help often means a measure of control.

Nosferatu

Also I don't think you need your father ...

No, I don't. He's one of those people I'd like to kick out of my life completely, but he's married to my mother. There's many reasons why I don't need him. I don't need him to get printouts of my bank account. I don't need him to tell me where to live. I don't need him to tell me which of my belongings I can have and which I should leave with him, nor do I need him to threaten me with physical violence when I try to take my belongings. I don't need him to register my vehicle under his name, then threaten to take it away when I don't do things his way. I don't need him to tell me when it's a good time to buy a house.

I could keep going on and on. The money thing was just another major blow to add to the list.

codeblue

I understand completely........why you have lost repsect for your father.

I am sorry you found this out and am sorry for his lack of love that he has shown you and your new wife. But please, don't let him spoil your new life.....

He has an accounting for what he did......and it will happen!!!

Hugs to you and your new wife

and may you both have a wonderful life!!!

Codeblue

bikerchic

First off Nosferatu let me congratulate you (again) on your wedding.

Second, what I'm going to say I hope you don't take offense at it because I mean none and I do realize that you have a rather bad relationship with your father at best. What I don't understand is why you would even presume he would give you anything for a wedding gift. IMHO it's rather presumptuous of you to expect any gifts from anyone who came to your wedding. A wedding is simply a witness of the union of two people, gifts are not mandatory but rather an extension of the giver in helping the couple beginning their life together.

Anyway, I figured that my father, being the cheap bastard that he was, would probably give us $5 for presentation. He gave us nothing. My wife figured that he would only attend for the free food, and she was correct. We see him eating in the wedding pictures, and on the wedding video.
Does one have to wonder why I've lost my respect for him as a father, and a human being?

He gave you life, put a roof over your head supported you for many years, I'm sorry if he wasn't the perfect father, perfect parents are hard to come by so are perfect children.

I don't mean to be harsh, but you can carry a grudge and completely alienate him from your life or you can do the bigger thing and just accept him for who he is, forgive him for his faults and live with peace in your life. Understand his actions are not about you but about him, your actions are about you. Are you going to be a mini-me? (or him) Give him the gift of forgiveness and get on with your lives.

I wish you and your new bride peace, love and harmony........go and be a better person and teach your children by example, never mention this to them or anyone else, forget about it.

Kate

Nosferatu

Hello bikerchic!

Personally, it really didn't bother me all that much that I didn't get anything from him for our wedding. I figured I probably wouldn't get anything from him. The thing that pissed me off is when I found out he gave my mother's son money to help them out. He didn't give me anything, nor did he give his daughter anything when she got married. He did offer me $5000 if I would wait another year to have the wedding. I despise the man, and I know that was his way of taking a shot at me.

Yes, he did clothe me, gave me a house to live in, drove me to band practices, but he used all that as a guilt trip when I was staying overnight at my girlfriend's house when I was 20 years old. He told me, "This is the way you treat me after everything I've done for you?" He demanded that I stay home whenever I wanted to go visit her.

According to him, I am forever in debt to him, so I'd better do what he tells me.

simplesally

At some point you have to accept who they are and what they are willing to give to you as a person. Don't expect more, expect less and be thankful when you get more. They are people too, with limitations, hurts and defects. Some of them are just so dysfunctional and don't know how to show love. If they are abusers, just get them out of your life or totally limit your time with them.

I learned to love my parents despite some of the hurts and realize they did the best job with the knowledge, money and perspective they had at that time. They and I have grown a lot and now we have a much better relationship since I started to accept what they gave.

Scully

Hi Nos

Isn't it incredible how some people can be so nice and generous with "other" people, but they treat their own flesh and blood like crap?? Welcome to the world of toxic people!

Sometimes, for the sake of your own sanity, it is necessary to divorce yourself from people like this. You can't do anything to change him, but you can change how you interact with him. Maybe some space and distance between you is a way to begin the process of doing that.

In the meantime, enjoy married life. You've worked hard to get where you want to be and deserve to enjoy the honeymoon stage.

Love, Scully

Post-wedding thoughts

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