by Sirius Dogma 42 Replies latest social relationships
Interesting question....I suppose it depends on if it's a change you are wanting to make...and how it is presented.
I have made changes in my life since I have been with someone, but they have never asked me directly to make them....they are just changes that have occurred naturally during the progression of the relationship. lol I would be hard put to pin point what exactly they are and how and why the occurred, I just know I HAVE changed...and for the better I believe
I have made changes in my life since I have been with someone, but they have never asked me directly to make them
If you were mine.....I'd be askin ya to change into 'something more comfortable' all the time
( edited to add my little sheep)
Gumby.......who's not flirting here.....just bein friendly
im forth generation born into this mess...i want to change but dont know how...im glad you liked the cats thing..its true
If someone is asking you to change for them, they are asking you to lie.
I learned a long time ago, the difference between expecting someone to MAKE you happy and BEING happy to be with someone. It truly is the difference that makes a difference.
Well if you believe in the scriptures - it says "Strip of the Old personality" . I have changed over the years - I at one time used to dump my dirty clothes all over the house. Now I tidy up after myself - because it used to piss my wife off and I did not want to do that - I used to hate cooking and still do not really like it - now I will cook dinner once in a while to please my wife - so yes I do believe that all of us make changes over the years sometimes sub-conciously to please our partners -- that is love . However ,have I fundamenatlly changed my personality - hell no, I am who I am.
I agree with sirius dogma
"just because someone is right for you, does not make you right for them".
In my previous relationship I was so in love with who he was that I bent over backwards trying to be the right woman for him.
I repressed conversations and thoughts (didn't want to overwhelm him with my need for intellectual stimulation)
I suppressed my desire for a more frequent (more than twice a month) and creative (if you can call oral sex creative) sex life
(I would not want to offend his trite ideas of proper womanhood and sexual expression)
I tried desperately to enjoy activities that he found fascinating (sitting on his porch conversing with his three cats and watering his huge garden while admiring the days growth of each plant)
he continually told me that I had poor taste in music, that reading so much was bad for me, that I needed to slow down (to active and energetic) he told me that I needed to talk less and his biggest complaint was that I THINK too much (any correlation to former dubdom?)
After 18 months of this repressive and frustrating relationship, I finally had the strength to leave
In hindsight I do not think he was abusive or oppressive we were just very different people and I was so taken by him that I tried way to hard. Not only did it not work -it never would have -regardless of our efforts most of us cannot change our basic personality make up and biological needs merely to please someone else
Since then I have met a man that I am very compatible with we spend hours debating and talking on every issue under the sun we both fuel and satisfy each others thirst for knowledge and passion. We enjoy the same activities even when one of us is new to them (I have learned to kayak and jet ski he has learned to appreciate differences in artisitic styles, enjoys museums and live theatre).
It is our mutual desire for knowledge and experience that helps us grow together he loves my mind and sense of humor and I am equally enthralled by his, we have our own secret language and glances convey a thousand words.
I know it sounds corny and I never believed it could really happen but it has and the best part is that neither of us has felt a need change we are both open to revealing our flaws fears and fantasies and it is an unbeleivable feeling of freedom.
Short question long answer
Next time I will remember this lesson, just because someone is right for you, does not make you right for them.
Sirius...that is a great lesson to learn...one I just figured out for myself recently. It has made a heap of difference in how I view my relationships now. And could have saved me a lot of hurt if I had just figured it out sooner...oh well! I guess the important thing is I finally learned it.
Billygoat I think made an interesting post too (as she often does). It's different I think when you are being asked or hounded to change, or wanting change to evolve as a person and try new things with your partner. I think that is beautiful and the key to a happy and healthy relationship.
Frankly I have never gotten that whole, "I can change him" mentality. Perhaps I am just lazy and think, "Dude--too much work, and no longer my problem, buh-bye!" But part of it is, I would hate if someone said, I love you but..." I was in a relationship like that. It didn't last very long. His list never quit, to which I thought, then you don't love me at all, because I will never be good enough for you.
I guess the other thing to consider is, are they asking me to change a belief or a habbit?
But I am rambling too much now, and yeah...SOLIDARITY MY BROTHAS AND SISTAS!
This is a complicated question. The core person should not be altered. After a time you will go back to type. But there are many small things and adjustments are necessary to bond two people. Changing habits and being less selfish are not going to kill you. Minor changes are good and refreshing. As a healthy human you do them anyway. We are creating ourselves all the time.
If making a change pleases the other person...why not? I want to make the other person happy, I dance with her when she asks, I don't wear things she is not crazy about, I cut my hair different. She in turn will wear things she knows I like, wear make-up when we go out, change her hair. These things don't demean us. Now I would not tell her to get a boob job, or quit her job, or not talk to her friends, these are control issues.
We make adjustments all the time to make life smoother. How much more should we be willing to grow and learn the needs of those we love and try to fulfill them? Mav
I think all of us are more than willing to make minor changes to please the person we live with or associate with the most. We have to determine if the change is the best thing for us--or make a situation better. If we simply change "who we really are" simply to please another person, it usually doesn't work. Sometimes, the person closest to us can "see" where some change may be needed if one has veered off course into something detrimental or damaging to themselves or the relationship. Attempting to actually change another person usually does not work. The person can be made aware of the "problem", but they will have to decide what they will do about it and accept the consequences of their decision.
As former JW's, most of us know what its like to change ourselves to fit "the box". Soon we feel cramped and trapped in that box and we want out. If we change who we are in order to be acceptable to someone else, this is conditional love. This is damaging to everyone involved.
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No.....you should stay true to yourself.
