by Latte 25 Replies latest jw friends
Latte,
Good question. As a kid I made the most out of my life as a JW. I just used to wish that it wasn't "The truth" so that I could do more things and not have to go "On the work" or attend those bloody awful meetings!
Englishman.
..... fanaticism masquerading beneath a cloak of reasoned logic.
In all honesty, yes, I was happy as a JW. In fact, I was very happy. I had a blast pretty much the entire time. I excelled in the congregation, I loved Bethel, I enjoyed being an elder, I found service fun, and I had some good friends in the congregation.
When I left, it was out of principle, not because I couldn't hack it, or didn't like it, or was made miserable by someone. I left behind a great life, and found a new great life.
Let some JW apologist deal with THAT.
At first I was happy becuase I felt I knew what my purpose in life was. The more I did though, the more miserable I became. I was happy that I managed to to to a University and get my degree (ASU) and, interestingly, almost every single person in the congregation supported my endeavor. Even with the workload at school I still felt proud I was doing something udeful in a secular sense. Nevertheless, College did open my eyes to a lot of things and the more I engaged in critical thinking (OH MY GOD! NO!!!!!) the less crazy I was about doing more in the congregation. My happiness was sparked somewhat when I became a ministerial servant until later when I found out that it wasn't what I imagined (how do you spell MINISTERIAL SERVANT? ANSWER: W-O-R-K). I think I was a pretty good ministerial servant: I never criticized anyone, and I always tried to respect everyone. I was always willing to give talks at the last minute and I thought (without sounding too narcissistic) I was a pretty valuable person. Nevertheless, it seemed like people only liked me for what I did in the congregation (I KNOW! ISN'T THAT BIZZARE!). Even after the five years I spent in the congregation nobody calls me up (GO FIGURE). I've tried not be bitter since I left, I love all people, even Jehovah's Witness. I don't despise anyone, and I respect everyone's teachings, even though I was accused of a lot of things. Neverthless, I despise the way the organization is structured. To tell you the truth, even if I felt that everything they taught was true, I still wouldn't want to live forever with these people becuase I would feel isolated and alienated for the rest of my life. Anyway (LOL), To answer your question, I was happy when I started being a JW, then I was sad before I left. Now and then I'm still a little sad but I'm happy that I tried to stand up for myself, even when I got scared.
When I first took it on in earnest at the age of 18, I struggled with feelings of self-condemnation due to my being homosexual. I couldn't share that fact with anyone. I grew up in a time period when there were absolutely NO positive views of homosexuality. Not in the press, not in politics, not in religion. So, the JWs offered me a "hope" that I could become "normal". I honestly bought into the JW [and other fundamentalist or conservative religions] belief that "you can change". So, for some years, I felt happy. After all, I was associated with "God's Organization on Earth" and I was going to become "straight".
Yeah, right.
But, no amount of incessant prayer, meeting attendance, controlling my thoughts, avoiding all things that would even possibly stir up my sexual feelings, association with the Brothers, etc., ever diminished my feelings one bit. The only thing that was accomplished was a very deep level of depression, suicidal feelings, and a general lack of happiness. These negative traits increased as the years wore on and I could recognize that nothing would ever change me.
There were some good things that I got from associating with the JWs. As TM School Overseer, I polished my skills of counseling without hurting, in the TM School I developed the ability to speak before thousands [such as at Circuit Assemblies] without fear. I also had a few choice friends [who've now abandoned me due to my disassociating]. I also gained a good knowledge of the Bible [which later started me to question some of the teachings of the JWs]. But, the good things that I gained were not worth the price that I paid.
But, I only became truly happy after [1] I accepted and embraced who I was and [2] I discovered that "The Truth" was NOT the truth after all.
Glad to be "outta there".
I miss a lot of my friends....I had made them my family since all of my family was "worldly", but now that I'm out...(almost 4 years), I've never been happier as a person...nothing compares to FREEDOM...and while I was in I knew more who were battling depression than those who weren't...seems pretty typical of JW's to be depressed...could it be all the guilt trips the Society sends them on?
I enjoyed some of it as a child, the association with other kids in my hall and neighboring congregations. I didn't mind being different in school and not celebrating holidays; I actually took pride in being different (and I'm "different" to this day, let me assure you! )
As I got older and decided to stretch my wings a bit, there was never the freedom to make my own decisions -- something I couldn't handle. I was baptized at 14, and I really started hating it right around 15-16. Hung around long enough to get reinstated, then stopped going to meetings at 19. Haven't been back, turned my mother down flat 4 years ago when she invited me & Hubby to the Memorial. ("Thank you for the invitation, but we aren't interested.")
Happier now than I ever have been, although I still get angry at the BS I was raised with.
--Reagan
"I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul."
