Blondie, good points.
Joanna, also made a good point when she mentioned that when she felt so hopeless , ,didn't think she would be resurrected, and that she really didnt care . I know of 3 JW suicides and I have to say I agree that , that was most likely what the ones I know thought. ((((JO))))
In my personal experience with suicide in my family, I know that the feelings of utter grief are at the core of all the pain. It was physically painful for my mother to go from day to day. I was with her the last weeks of her life and I saw her torment. I know , she wanted an end to the pain. Plain and simple. She didn't plan or think how she would benefit in the afterlife, or in a resurrection. She was always the type that wanted instant relief from her pain, that was one of the reasons she had such a hard time kicking her prescription drug habit. She hurt, she popped a pill. I guess one night her mental pain became too much and she ended it as quickly as "popping a pill" without alot of planning or thinking , otherwise she might not have succeeded. I know this from the time frame ,,, that it was probably something she didnt plan out in the days before , in a logical set plan if that makes sense. I know she entertained the thought of dying,,,,,most of us have been that low that we think of it. But , in my Mom's case I am pretty sure that the seed was there and the pain just hit , as it always did time after time. This was a lifelong battle for her and I know she was tired.
One of the last things we talked about,,,,,was Jehovah, never forgiving her for the things she did to me and my sister, to my Father, to Jehovah himself and to herself. I have never seen anyone so full of remorse and grief as she was. I tried so hard to convice her that Jehovah was a loving God ( I was still very much a devout JW) , that he would not leave her as my Dad did. I tried to tell her that we all make mistakes and that Jehovah wants us to come back to him. She had tears in her eyes , and looked at me as if to say....." if only that were really true". I guess , she didnt really believe it. This story as most of you who have been here know, is quite long and complicated.
She was disfellowshipped for smoking, while she was in rehab for 15 yrs of prescription drug abuse( not the first time by any means in rehab thou) , and all of this going on as my father was committing adultery with a much younger sister in our hall.
Instead of them reaching out to help a sick person in the hospital.....they sent her a letter to her new apartment, telling her she was d/f for smoking. My mother, ever with all of the drug abuse issues,,,,,,truly loved Jehovah and died feeling like a failure , to all of those she loved.
I don't blame every aspect of my mother's suicide to being a JW, but I am not going to say it didnt have a great bearing on her emotional health . Not only was she in an unloving , judgemental, rule loving organization, but she was married to my father, the biggest hypocrite, elder I have ever known. I always compare my mother to a silent lamb , because in my eyes she was . She suffered all those years, while all the elders in the congregation , father the P O mainly, brushed her problems of drugs under the carpet. She suffered mental and verbal abuse from my father , she was always put last on the list of his priorities.
I am sorry for going on and on about this, I only meant to say a few words. I will end this now , as I think you all see the point I am trying to make. I guess I just feel compelled to be her voice , since she was never able to tell her story while she was alive. How very sad.
