Question - Daughter (page 2)

4JWY

KLS - did I write your reply?

Ditto that.

(((Breeze))) more in a pm

Frannie Banannie

The rules at my house are pretty simple...no sex....is understood....

Breeze, this says it all. Hopefully she understands this. Now....what are you gonna do about it?

Frannie B

avishai

This same guy is the Father of her son, and pays no child support ......and rarely visits.........

I'd have a much bigger problem with this. He would'nt be allowed in my house. Unless it wa to let me grab him by the shirt, put him against the wall, and give him an hour long lecture about the proper care and feeding of families. Then I'd let him know that he would'nt be ABLE to reproduce if he did'nt take care of his child!!!!

kls

I would like to know why at 31 has a college education, has a job, has a child and can afford to pay bill's is she still at home? Why does she need to be under your roof when it sounds like she is totally able financially and old enough to be on her own besides the fact she has a child.

Country Girl

Since she is over the age limit that requires your support, she is merely a guest in your home. "Your home" being the key wordshere. Since it is your home, you make the rules. Even if she does pay rent, you are the landlady and you have the final say about what goes on in your home because you own it. The homeowner makes the rules, not the tenant. She has a choice: abide by the rules or get out. If she wants to get it on with a no-count loser, there's motels for that, and your home is not a motel.

Country Girl

Scully

I agree with kls and avishai on this one.

A 30-something year-old daughter needs to be in her own place. You have to stop allowing her to be dependent on you. She knew the house rules and yet chooses to break them. You can tell her that you would feel partially responsible if she got pregnant in your house. Also tell her that if she's going to be sexually active, she has to do it somewhere else, and she has to use birth control. There are plenty of BC options available to her - DepoProvera which is good for 3 months per shot, BC implants that are good for 5 years, in addition to the regular options. You should also insist that she protect herself from STDs, because - God forbid - if she gets hepatitis or HIV from this or any other guy, you are going to end up being her child's guardian.

The boyfriend, if he wants contact with his child, had better start contributing to her and your daughter's upkeep too. If all he wants from her is a roll in the sack without responsibility for the consequences, I'd get a restraining order against him coming on your property. That will force her to make other arrangements to have contact with him.

Love, Scully

Oh, and I would definitely change the door handle to her room to a passage set only. Forget this lock the door crap. That only facilitates her and the boyfriend bumping uglies in your house. Better still, remove the door all together and hang a set of bead curtains up in its place. (They're noisy, you can hear when someone is going in or out of the room.)

Netty

She should not do this in your house. It is not respectful. If you want to do this in your house, you can its your house. If she wants to do this, she needs to go get her own place, or go get a hotel. I would be so embarassed even to do something like this with my own husband in my moms house.

avishai

I would tell her if she wants to get knocked up again by a guy who won't support her or her child, you can no longer enable her negative behavior and she'll have to find somewhere else to live.

It would be different, IMHO, if he was there andt rying to be a family and they were struggling financially, then I'd do what I could, move him in, whatever. But that does'nt seem to be the situation.

breeze

I appreciate all of the comments....very good stuff......

I am afraid I have already mishandled much of the dealings with my daughter and this problem guy???!!!

I don't mind her living with us, we have plenty of room and everything is pleasant ....if she moves out without a proper marriage she has many additional problems to overcome.....

Thanks....BREEZE

Scully

I am afraid I have already mishandled much of the dealings with my daughter and this problem guy???!!!

Don't think of it as "mishandling" things, because it means that you are accepting responsibility for her behaviour. Look at the situation objectively and discuss this with your daughter from this approach:

"I have been trying to find a way of discussing this with you in an honest and sensitive way without hurting your feelings or making you feel that I am interfering with your life. The truth is, this situation makes me very concerned for you, and personally very uncomfortable with the fact that you have disregarded the ground rules for this living arrangement you have made with us."

Regardless of how you handle it, she is going to go on the defensive. It is very common, as someone pointed out already, for adult children to resume the "child" role when they move back home.

If this is an isolated occurrence, I would just warn her that you prefer that she meet the young man somewhere other than in your home, until such time that he is ready to accept responsibility for his son in a financial way and by behaving like an appropriate role model for the child she had with him. Make sure she understands that even if he does start pulling his weight, the No-Sexual-Activity-In-My-House Rule is non-negotiable.

I would also recommend some counselling for her. He is treating her like a doormat and she needs to show some backbone and kick him to the curb unless he's willing to accept his responsibilities toward their son.

Love, Scully

Question - Daughter

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