Question - Daughter

by breeze 24 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Mulan

  I'd have a much bigger problem with this. He would'nt be allowed in my house. Unless it wa to let me grab him by the shirt, put him against the wall, and give him an hour long lecture about the proper care and feeding of families. Then I'd let him know that he would'nt be ABLE to reproduce if he did'nt take care of his child!!!!

  I totally agree with Avishai on this one. If she wants to see him, it wouldn't be in my house. She should be able to afford to get her own place where it wouldn't be your problem. She should respect that I think.
• 

  jwgirlfriend

  Although I got on here for help for myself, this topic caught my attention. I am amazed that your daughter who is 31 and has a college degree is not only living with you, but totally disrespecting your home. I am 30, single, and have lived on my own for 10 years now. I won't even live with a man in my own house b/c it would go against everything my father believes and would be so upsetting to him. My sister is 20 and lives at home with my parents. She isn't working or helping out with the bills and this angers me daily. If she were bringing her boyfriend in the house and having sex with him, I would go over there and kick her out myself. I am not sure if you daughter is helping with expenses, but even if she is, she should follow your rules and be adult enough to respect them.

  I know you love your daughter and want to help her, but like I tell my parents- allowing them to do whatever they want isn't really helping them. In my opinion, you are allowing her to disrespect you by allowing her to live in the house and not follow your rules. Why would she change? This is a question I ask my parents everyday. I love my sister, but she darn well better respect my parents.

  I guess I didn't really help, but I just want you to know you that someone your daughter's age believes wholeheartedly that you deserve to be respected. I hope you do have that talk with her and things work out for the best.
• 

  Nosferatu

  It is very common, as someone pointed out already, for adult children to resume the "child" role when they move back home.

  I don't believe that it is uncommon for the parent to resume their "parental" role against the child's wishes.

  Even though I'm the only one defending my point of view, I think it's very important to decide the difference between "House Rules" and "Control"

  Examples of house rules:
  - No wild parties
  - No loud music after 10:00
  - Contributing to the housework
  - No modifications without consent from the owner

  Examples of control:
  - Curfew
  - Restricting association with certain people
  - Punishment
  - Threats

  The examples I've lister for "control" are fine for a child, but don't work well with an adult. One thing to keep in mind is if she wasn't living with you, she would still be doing as she pleases with this guy.

  If this guy hasn't caused any problems for you personally, he is completely your daughter's business. There is nothing wrong with telling your daughter your opinion about him, or your opinion on how she's handling her life, but control is going to take a toll on your relationship with her instead of her relationship with this guy.
• 

  kls

  Breeze, the only thing you are teaching your daughter is how NOT to be independent. She will never learn how to grow up and at her age she should be very independent. It is time to put your foot down ,if not for your sake for her's . She will go through the rest of her life showing her child how to rely on others . It does not matter if you live in a 20 bedroom home it is being an adult and this is something she must learn and you will have to push her to learn.
• 

  Hyghlandyr

  That being said, it is your house, your rules.

  This seems to be a common thought....

  Sigh...my house my rules....welcome to the middle ages. Ive had roommates, I didnt lay down rules for them. I just assumed we would all have good manners. The term adult children is contradictory isn't it? They may be your offspring but they are adults now. What happens when things are reversed and you are forced to live in their house? Will you obey their rules? What if those rules entail denying of privileges generally granted to adults (or rights?) Or interfering when you are enjoying your rights (such as your offspring knocking on the door when you are talking to a gentleman friend in your room?) Or your reading material being regulated? Your church going habits being restricted? I could of course tell my christian roommates that the rules in MY apartment are that no bibles are allowed to be read...or praying to yahweh? or jesus?

  Now lets get to the pregnancy thing...ok yeah I understand if it adds burdens of time and finances to you.. I knew a chick (a sister) that had a daughter that was constantly getting pregnant, (five at last count as I recall) and just leaving them with the grandmother, NEVER helping in any way. Of course the courts would not intervene. That then is just a matter of forthrightness on your part.. Hey dude I understand if you want to have men over, but I cannot afford 3 more children, if you get pregnant then this or that is the result, without my help....bla bla

  Anyhow I thought about this as some good "rules"

  http://www.kalimunro.com/learned_in_kindergarten.html

  All I Really Need To Know
  I Learned In Kindergarten

  by Robert Fulghum
  
  - an excerpt from the book, All I Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten
  
  
  

  All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten.
  ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW about how to live and what to do
  and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not
  at the top of the graduate-school mountain, but there in the
  sandpile at Sunday School. These are the things I learned:
  
  Share everything.
  
  Play fair.
  
  Don't hit people.
  
  Put things back where you found them.
  
  Clean up your own mess.
  
  Don't take things that aren't yours.
  
  Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
  
  Wash your hands before you eat.
  
  Flush.
  
  Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
  
  Live a balanced life - learn some and think some
  and draw and paint and sing and dance and play
  and work every day some.
  
  Take a nap every afternoon.
  
  When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic,
  hold hands, and stick together.
  
  Be aware of wonder.
  Remember the little seed in the styrofoam cup:
  The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody
  really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
  
  Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even
  the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die.
  So do we.
  
  And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books
  and the first word you learned - the biggest
  word of all - LOOK.
  
  
  
  Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.
  The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation.
  Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.
  
  Take any of those items and extrapolate it into
  sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your
  family life or your work or your government or
  your world and it holds true and clear and firm.
  Think what a better world it would be if
  all - the whole world - had cookies and milk about
  three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with
  our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments
  had a basic policy to always put thing back where
  they found them and to clean up their own mess.
  
  And it is still true, no matter how old you
  are - when you go out into the world, it is best
  to hold hands and stick together.