This is my first post here and I guess because it's going to be a doozy I felt I should introduce myself first. I am a non JW, 40 yrs old, divorced/remarried/widowed mother of 3 children the oldest two who are out of the house (in college).
I have just recently joined after lurking for a while. I felt guilty at the idea of joining for such a selfish purpose, so I browsed through a lot of the older threads and posts seeing if my questions might have already been answered through your previous discussions here. Quite honestly I did not and really I did not expect to as this is a pretty unique problem. LOL. I hope you don't mind. I am having a problem and quite honestly I don't know where else to turn for help or answers to my questions. As you can see it's quite long, but I really did try to keep it brief while still giving you the basic details to help explain my problem.
I met a young man (whom I first thought to be 25 +/- from his picture, only to find out later he was just turned 19) online through a friend of mine, when a mutual friend of ours passed away, who I developed an online relationship with (friendship only) that started to develop into a very good friendship. I'll call him JJ.
We chatted a lot, laughed, shared interest in photoshop, music, general things like that. He flirted with me quite a bit at first, we were both posting on the same chat forum and he started hitting on me, which at first I took serious, but then when I asked him, he admitted he was only flirting, it wasn't serious, that he wasn't interested in me in any way other than good friends, he had no interest i pursuing women right now, and that even if he wanted to develop a different kind of interest in me he couldn't because his situation didn't allow it.
I accepted, and we agreed to continue on as friends, with the flirty stuff still going on for fun.
Well, as time passed we grew closer, chatting every day on the instant messenger, and it was all good, but several things happened that made me wonder if maybe things weren't changing between us. (Now he didn't discuss much of his personal life with me, just telling me he was shy about stuff like that, and didn't really feel comfortable talking about himself and his life..which our mutual friend did confirm he'd always been like that) It's not like we ever really ran out of things to talk about, and I figured I'd be patient and when he felt he could trust me, he'd open up, and until then, it would be fine to just talk about anything and everything else.
I have been a widow for about 7 years and had only gone out on one date which ended very badly after the date was over. JJ told me I needed to get out so I did, met a guy and agreed to go out to lunch with him, but it was a flop and I felt no attraction or any interest in this guy whatsoever. When I got home there was JJ waiting for me on the IM to find out what had happened and when I told him it was no good, I wasn't going to see the guy again his reaction was "good, I'm glad". Hmmmm, when I asked him why he replied "I just am" and wouldn't say anymore.
Other things along the way made me wonder as well, like we were talking about relationships and how you did things for each other to make the other happy, and he said to me...."you know when you love someone, you do things for them that you know will make them happy, like when I send you those wallpapers and the music, its because I know it will make you happy"......curious, but it made me feel good inside, and I blushed.
He would send me these most romantic love songs, ask me to turn on my webcam so he could watch me listen to it, so he could see my reaction, and then he would ask me over and over again if I liked it or not, and when of course I'd say yes, he's just respond with "good" and that would be that.
Now this kind of stuff went on for a couple of months, and then I was involved in some weather danger and he kept me on the Instant messenger (stayed with me) throught the danger, and even once went so far as to get all freaked out when he got bumped offline thinking it was me and when he re-emerged online told me that I needed give him my cell # again (he already had it from a while back) so if something happened and I went offline and then he didn't hear from me for a while he could try calling me. It was really very sweet.
That is JJ...sweet. Kind, caring, a smartass, intelligent, handsome like you would not believe..fun to talk to, and he's JW. I did not know that for a long time. He never told me. I found out through our mutual friend who was surprised I didn't know.
Anyhow, JJ had been going through some tough times, and wouldn't share what the problem was, only that it was bad, wasn't going to improve anytime soon, but made me promise to trust in him that it would all work out in time. He would just say it was complicated, he couldn't really explain it, and to trust him. I did. Things continued on, with him talking to me more and more until it was daily...hours on end sometimes, several times aday.
I thought he felt something more for me. I let myself believe it. Foolish.
I found out through this mutual friend exactly what was going on with my friend JJ, all the crap he wouldn't tell me about, that was causing him pain and turmoil, keeping him from doing the things he wanted to do (that is kinda how he put it). I was anxious to find out. LOL, sometimes I wished I hadn't. How complicated it really was.
He was still living at home, in a small small town, most of whom are JW's, and the family is DEEPLY RELIGIOUS! Well, it seems that all this time, my friend JJ had been having an affair with his best friends wife. It was supposedly over with, but that he was socially ostracized, and was dealing with a lot of stuff. But as it turns out JJ is not done with this girl, (I don't know if she is still married or divorced or on the way to divorced) but he wants to marry her. I was told she is 28 yrs old and is manipulating the heck out of JJ, and everyone dislikes her, but is upset and angry with him for his behavior as what he did is "bad, bad, bad in Jehovah's eyes" At first I gather he went and repented, but has since then started seeing this girl again, and her parents are now sneaking the two of them together.
When I found out I was crushed. It was foolish of me to even consider the possibility of a relationship between us due to the age difference (not to mention distance, he lives over 1,000 miles away from myself) but I was crushed because when we talked of dating and sex he told me that he was a virgin, and had never had a girlfriend or anything like that (which I thought was so sweet)...now I find out that he's been lying to me all the time. Well, I should say that is the only real outright lie he's told, with everything thing else I have to admit that rather than lie, he just skirted the truth and kept me onto other topics if he didn't want to tell me something.
I was so hurt that I told him of my feelings for him, to which he responded that he had no idea I felt that way, and that he didn't realize he was giving me signals to suggest anything other than just friends, and had he known he'd have put a stop to it right away, and now...now to top it off, he doens't talkel to me hardly at all, even after telling me that he still felt the same as before ..he wasn't interested in being anything more than friends (which I do want) and that he had no interest in a relationship with a woman and that his circumstances don't allow it. He still wanted to be friends with me, and that was it. I told him about things that I felt he'd done that kinda crossed the line, but he said that he never meant to give me the impression that he was interested in me, and that I was misreading things...so was I ? I didn't know anymore.
Help!!! LOL! I know I know. I want to be his friend. I am all over my little emo episode (I think it was other things along with loneliness and the fact that I have been celibate since my husband passed away 7 yrs ago, and this is a HOT young man, lol) I dont' understand what he is going through as a JW and with all this mess with the wife of the best friend (lol, he still doesn't know I know about it, as I wanted to see if he'll come clean with me).
Can he and I be friends? Will that cause a problem for him because he is a JW? What is he going through as a young JW man who has had a sexual relationship with a married women, the wife of his best friend none the less. He is continuing this relationship despite knowing the potential consequences, and is struggling on what he is going to do, but from what I was told he is leaning towards marrying her as that is what she wants (this is his first g/friend, the one who took his virginity, and I gather he is head over heels for her).
With him hardly speaking to me anymore I am just at a loss. I don't know what to do. I miss my friend a lot. I don't know if we can be the same kind of friends again, but if we can/are, then I want to do what I can to understand what his life is like.
What can I do? What should I expect? Anything would be helpful at this point. I am very sorry for the length of this, but I did try to condense it down as much as possible and still cover the basics.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and for any advice you may have for me, as well as any answers you have to my numerous questions.
WF