A member on the forum asked via PM how it was going. I ended up writing a three-page reply. It felt good to get things off my chest, so I figured I would update the forum of where I am at in life.
First off I have never been happier in my life than I am right now. Sure, there is stress, but I now have freedom.
I know that the way someone leaves the WTS is a personal choice, and the best choice for one is not the same for another. But for me DA?ing myself last Nov/Dec was the best thing I could have done to start my recovery from this cult. I am also proud that I mailed my 6-8 page DA letter out to ?friends? in 20 different congregation BEFORE it was announced at the KH.
The truth is out there
Some may say that I played by their rules, but I see it as using their own rules against them. I kept postponing my meeting with the elders until I perfected my DA letter, put together a list of people to mail it out to, then I printed out the envelopes with the letters and dropped them in the mail before I ever handed the letter to the elders.
The truth is out there
Now every time I see a JW [and I se them every so often] I can easily wave and say hi to them. Any feelings of guilt are solely their own. Judging is their onus. The JW?s can say that I left the WTS because I like to party, slept around, do drugs, or any other thing that they imagine we do upon leaving the WTS, but that letter and my current lifestyle is living testimony that the WTS?s picture of the hedonistic apostate lifestyle is just a myth. Much to their chagrin.
Maybe to the chagrin of some who leave as well. ?Hey, where?s this big partying lifestyle I was promised by the WTS when I left their fold??
Another WTS prophesy that fails to materialize.
First off my work situation has changed.
I put in my two weeks at my current job last week Friday and start work at another architectural firm 9/20. There has been so much turmoil at my current place of employment that there isn?t even an architect on staff anymore. I want to get my Architectural license, but I can?t do that unless an Architect is here, and he quit. So that?s one of the reasons I am leaving.
The other reason, and main it is the main reason, is that I can?t sell the company anymore to people [I do sales and design for remodeling projects]. It?s really a matter of integrity. It kinda feels like leaving the WTS in a way. I want to be ?free from accusation? and I want to be able to look back on my life and know that I have always strived to do the moral and right thing. I can?t look people in the eye anymore when I meet them. I am taking tens to at times hundreds of thousands of $ from people for this company and IMO they are not getting what we are selling to them.
I am still doing Aikido twice a week. Passed my 6 th kyu test. [Yeah me!!!] I feel that the class helps me with becoming calm and to walk on a path towards inner peace with myself. Aikido gives me a new perspective on Human life NOW. A new perspective on the one material body that we our borrowed for a short, limited time.
IMO a person who is capable of causing great bodily harm to another human being but restrains himself and strives to find peaceful solutions to all conflicts becomes acutely conscience of the seemingly contradictory qualities of Human Beings, fragility and resilience.
As I continue Aikido, I feel that I will look more into Buddhism and similar religious systems. I do not intend to become a member of another religious group again though.
In a couple of weeks I?m flying out to Denver, CO for my non- JW youngest brothers wedding. All of the family will be there. It will be a great time. It will be my first wedding that is not a JW wedding. My wife though is not going.
And that point is a nice segue?
?the biggest thing on my mind is typically my JW wife. It?s a reason why I still come here to lurk and get ideas about how to get her out of the WTS. I?ve read Steve Hassan?s book, ?Releasing the Bonds?, and he has some excellent approaches to break through a member?s cult instilled phobias. But for me to even to get her trust me enough [as an ?apostate?] to start de-programming her is hard to imagine. He has a multi-step program:
- Get the loved one to trust you. [her trusting an apostate, tall order.]
- Become educated about their belief system. [that?s obviously really easy being a former member]
- Educate the loved one what a phobia is, in comparison to an actual fear. I.e., a phobia such as ?fear of speaking in public? in contrast to ?fear of falling.? A human will not die from public speaking, but they can die by taking a fall from a significant height. This I think is easy to do without setting off ?apostate alarms?
- Next, you are supposed to talk about how well known cults, say Scientology, has instilled phobias into it?s members to get unquestioning loyalty from them. This step, I am guessing, may alert my wife with my intentions of what I am trying to do. She is very intuitive.
- Finally you are supposed to start getting the loved one to start realizing some of the phobias that are instilled into them by the WTS. The biggest phobia for her is that the WTS could lose God?s blessing or direction. I was thinking of asking things like, ?Since the 12 tribe of Israel lost God?s blessing, would it be possible for the WTS to lose Jehovah?s blessing?? ?Is there anything that the WTS could to lose Jehovah?s blessing??
I do believe that most JW?s leave through the same door they entered the WTS. If they came in for family, they?ll leave for family. If they come for the friendship, they?ll leave when the friendship?s are found to be fake. If they came for doctrine, then they?ll leave when they discover the doctrine is flawed [my reason, and why I left.]
It?s true that most are attracted because of the appeal of living forever on a paradise earth, no fiery hell, and seeing loved ones resurrected. But a JW STAYS for a particular reason IMHO. Find the reason why they stay, the door they enter to ?Make the Truth Their Own?, and you?ve just discovered the door through which they?ll leave. The door is different for everyone, and only the JW himself knows and has the key. We just have to encourage them to use that key to open the door.
I am working my ass off to get her to trust me and be there for her. The job I am quitting now I can make, well, a lot of money. I have never made money like this before in my life. For the first time in my life, I can finally spend money for dinner and a movie without worrying about the checking account going in the red. But because I have always been worried about such things, my wife has accused me of loving money. So I was hoping that taking this new job for half of what I make now [but tons of benefits that I have never had in the past] with a reputable company would make an impression on her about my morals and integrity. I am leaving this job because IMO, this company has questionable business practices, and I can?t look myself in the mirror to design and sell jobs to people anymore. It?s really coming down to a matter of integrity for me. I wish my wife would see that and respect me for this. Instead, when I told her I finally got a new job [we discussed this at length, so she knew I applied for this other job], the first thing out of her mouth wasn?t congratulations, but it was ridicule:
?When they offered you $xx,000k a year, did you even TRY to negotiate the amount? The only reason you got the job is because they got you for cheap.?
Now to set the record straight, I?ve won national awards for design, and I have actually ?out designed? this new architectural firm. At my present job I have gone head-to-head against them bidding with the same client, and I have won largely because of my design skills. These guys have gone through college, and I never have, so it feels pretty good knowing I can outdo trained professionals who are recognized as the ?best? for this area of WI.
I?m not trying to break my arm patting myself on the back, but I guess the point is that I don?t let my wife?s words hurt me because she says that I was hired solely because I was ?cheap?. Her words do hurt me though because she just seems to have no respect for me as a man regardless of what I do.
Maybe it comes down to the truism that you can?t expect to get respect from someone who has no respect for themselves.
I just don?t know how to convince her that I am not evil.
She only sees things like:
- I watch ?R? rated movies now
- I am taking Martial Arts classes to beat people up
- I have friends that swear, have tattoos and drink.
I want her to see:
- I watch ?R? rated movies now ? but I am not renting porn or violent shoot-em up movies. I watch movies that have a thoughtful perspective on life.
- I am taking Martial Arts classes not to beat people up, because the Art doesn?t focus on punching or kicking. Rather it is about blending with people and preserving life. It has helped a few people in my dojo to literally save their lives from the destructive paths they were taking.
- I have friends that swear, have tattoos and drink ? but they are the best friends I have EVER HAD in my life. They would and HAVE dropped whatever is going on in their lives to help me out in a few tough situations. They are true friends that help me out regardless of their or my religious background.
But I don?t see that much of this is making an impact on her. I got this new job where the pay is cut in half and what does she do to support me? She cut back her hours at work and is now making less money so that she can free up time to Reg Pio. Today is Sept 1 st , the beginning of the ?Service Year?, and she is going door to door. I can?t help but stew over the reasons why she got mad at me for taking a job making less money.
To top things off, I can imagine that she will likely be offered a to do a part on a Circuit or District assembly/convention relaying to an audience of half asleep JW?s of how Jehovah is blessing her even though she is bearing the fiery missiles of an apostate. Sheesh??
Well, there you go. You?re up to speed on my life.
I still lurk here once in while to see what?s going on. Like everyone else who makes dramatic exits, I never really ?left? the board. Leaving the board is more like leaving your parents home to go out on your own. You still come home to clean the laundry and raid the fridge while regaling with your beloved family.
Best wishes to all on the board, lurkers and all!
Paul