FALLING IN LOVE: Why the helpless "falling"?

by Terry 16 Replies latest jw friends

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  Corvin

  Is falling in love "falling" at all?

  Falling is helpless. Falling is an accident and can prove deadly or injurious.

  "Falling" denotes vulnerability, in my opinion. You are opening yourself up to a destiny that is uncertain and holds for you no guarantees. You become vulenerable to another person possibly hurting you or betraying you, but you trust that your "fall" will be broken or cushioned by the other person's trustworthiness and returned expressions of love, trust and faith. I think "falling" is a brilliant description and is akin to "letting go of the rope" "breaking free" and "taking a chance".

  Why is love not a choice? Is it something we make happen or does it happen to us?

  Are we not the source of our own emotions? Are external factors what "make" us feel any certain way at any given time? We decide how we are going feel about any situation merely by the perspective and meaning we give to it. Change your perspective and you change the way you feel. Change the meaning you give it and you change the intensity of emotion you experience. That is definitely a choice, imho. I also think love as an emotion is one of mankinds greatest myths, which goes along with your idea that " . . . falling in love is bred (or a better word might be 'conditioned') into us by centuries of Romanticism . . . " . The only plausible or logical definition of love can be found only when "love" manifests itself through action. I think everyone has certainly been in the position of showing love to another when they feel absolutely no love for that person whatsoever. I think such a situation clearly dispells the false perception or idea that love is something we "feel".

  Is there hidden in our very nature; our heredity, our unknown interior being a secret chemistry we cannot fight?

  Yes, there is. It is called hormones and sexual desire which is all too often equated with feelings of love, but really have nothing to do with love unless that passion/sex is exercised between two partners who actually and genuinely love each other.

  I say the notion of falling in love is bred into us by centuries of Romanticism in our culture our art, music and literature. Arranged marriages held sway for millennia. But, I also think we do not fully ___choose__whom we are strongly attracted to. I believe we can only fight participation in that longing and that passion.

  So many eliments come into play with attraction, most of which have to do with what we personally link up pleasure to. Skin, eyes, hair color, olfactory, tones, gestures, facial expressions . . . it also has something to do with conditioning . . . what we have learned to find attractive based on past experiences in our primary relationships. Closing time at the bar for a really drunk ugly person should do nicely in proving this idea . . . we can very easily deviate from what we already find attractive for the sake of getting laid.

  I assert we either seize the object of our passion or we run from it into the arms of someone less powerfully in control of our emotions.

  That sounds like fear to me, which is the exact polar opposite of love. Anyone who thinks that another is in control of their emotions is simply not in touch with their own feelings and is neither in control of themselves. There are some who want to control the emotions of others and they are successful only because they are allowed by the one being controlled, otherwise controlling another person's emotions is nothing but an illusion, a trick, and can only accomplished with a willing victim.

  Corvin
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  Sunnygal41

  Insert the word lust instead of love and you just about have it. I agree. It's been romanticized..........I can't even stand listening to some of these ridiculous songs now........they are so disempowering...........as bad as Flip Wilson's "The Devil Made Me Do It!".
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  frenchbabyface

  I agree with Corvin too well elaborate answer.

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• 

  Nosferatu

  Always an interesting topic, Terry!

  I also think we do not fully ___choose__whom we are strongly attracted to.

  I agree with this 100%. Attraction is highly uncontrollable, and it works differently between men and women. Attraction does not equal love.

  But I prefer to think people fall into infatuation and sometimes grow into love

  This is an interesting statement from Lee. Infatuation is definately something that people fall into. This is usually when the person gives up all their morals and beliefs, and gives into their feelings. When this happens, it usually causes people to do stupid things they wouldn't normally do if they weren't infatuated. They allow themselved to become blinded by their emotions.

  As far at the word "love" goes, I believe that it isn't just an emotion or a certain behavior. It's a combination of emotions, behavior, and the way a person interacts and reacts with another person.
• 

  Nancy Drake

  "Falling" denotes vulnerability, in my opinion. You are opening yourself up to a destiny that is uncertain and holds for you no guarantees. You become vulenerable to another person possibly hurting you or betraying you, but you trust that your "fall" will be broken or cushioned by the other person's trustworthiness and returned expressions of love, trust and faith. I think "falling" is a brilliant description and is akin to "letting go of the rope" "breaking free" and "taking a chance".

  That's beautiful, Corvin!

  I can truly say that I am in love right now with my man. We have been together for five years and I still get excited when he walks into the room. But it is a deep love that has grown through the years, much different than the obsessive infatuation that someone might mistake for love, like I have done in the past. The deep love I have is not heart-wrenchingly exciting and all consuming like the other kind, but is much more satisfying and real.
• 

  Balsam

  Well, I've given this subject a lot of thought. I had never felt I was in love with my 1st husband and we remained married for 30 years. It was a marriage of comfort, companionship, and the JW religion held it together long past the part when it was any good.

  It wasn't untill I was 49 that it happen to me. What I call falling in love with a high school sweetheart or boy I had a cush on in JR high and High school. Well as kids were too young to do much with it. But we found each other ater 30 years and sparks flew. I left my loveless marriage and so did he. Now my new husband and I are experiening a very different kind of relationship with each other than our previous marriages. Its been over 3 years and it is still very very strong. We still feel a very strong love that I fully expected would fade, but hasn't.

  It is unlike any experience of intoxication we're ever know, and it has not faded, but gotten better, which is something we could not say of other so called love experiences.

  Personally it is brain chemistry, and just like a puzzle piece that just fits in the right place when it finally happens. I know most people don't experience this kind of relationship, but when you do it is extra-ordinary. And I am grateful to have found it in this life. For it is so very good.
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  Markfromcali

  Actually it makes sense if you look at it from the perspective of the individual. Whether you're talking about romantic love or whatever, it takes atleast two persons - so that naturally means you ARE helpless and don't control the whole thing, you can only control the individual known as you.

  Now aside from that, there's also the question of whether you think of love as the feeling the individual has, or if it's something that actually exists between the two sides. Regardless of how meaningful or substantial that love is on the infatuation-soulmate continuum or whatever you wanna use to describe it, it indicates something that is not so much like a ball that is tossed between the two parties, something that is possessed by the individual and is given or whatever. You might even describe it as a kind of collective intelligence, and if that intelligence is greater then the individual intelligence is "helpless" in comparison to it. But then again from the perspective of an integrated whole, why would you want to fight yourself? In a way it can be a threat to the ego, I was just thinking the other day maybe that's why people get nervous about getting married or whatever. But it's not like you lose your individual identity, it's just in context of the relationship. Depending on how good the relationship is it may be a joy or more like a ball and chain, but then some couples have enough away time from each other anyway I guess.

  Of course this is a rather intellectual answer, so no good feelings there - but it serves to describe it in a kind of functional way anyhow. That said the usual disclaimer of the map is not the territory applies, blah blah blah.. Oh well, I guess if there's no love between the mind and the heart it's just intellectual or emotional maturbation - not that there's anything wrong with that.