Already it starts.

by Fleur 24 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Fleur

  My Grandmother hasn't even been put to rest yet and already, my mother starts with "You know that Grandma's greatest wish was for you to get reinstated."

  Then, one of my siblings tells me that another of my siblings not only said she wouldn't come to Grandma's memorial if I went but also that sibling who called me should not still be talking to me; even though I called her to tell her that Grandma died.

  I am facing the fact that my family may not even give me details of the memorial directly because they won't want me to go. I don't know if I want to go to another funeral that is really just a commercial for the WTS instead of talking about the person who is gone at all. I will find out when it is because my parents will tell me (other family is planning it) but I don't know what to do. A dear exJW friend called and told me that if I go, she'd go with me. If we walked into a Hall together my elder's wife "perfect" sister might keel over in her chair.

  I knew that the talk of how badly Grandma wanted me reinstated would come. I didn't think it would happen so quick. When JW's see someone at a weak moment, they really know how to twist the knife, don't they? I know that she loved me even though I left "the truth" but I also know that it was a huge disappointement to her that I hadn't gone back. That has been the hardest part of leaving.

  The scary part was for a moment, I wondered what it would take. Then I came out of my grief induced delusion and realized that they'd never reinstate me. Because I could not sit in a room with those men and declare that I believe the organization is speaking for God. Hell, I"d likely tell them that I'm not even sure if I believe in god at all anymore and that wouldn't get me very far...would it?

  thanks for listening. I've been having terrible panic attacks the past 24 hours, dear husband stayed home to be with me because I was so freaked out last night at the thought of them cremating my grandma (not that I wanted them to bury her either, I don't like either option. I just want her to come home :(

  I hope that I can get some sleep tonight. I still can't believe this is happening.

  love,

  essie
• 

  ColdRedRain

  I've been bullied like that too when my dad died last year. If you want to burn your bridges and get them to leave you alone forever, tell them that their behavior's cultic and you came to grieve your grandmother in peace. You didn't come to hear a stupid religious sermon.
• 

  Golden Girl

  Or you could say..

  Yeah..and I was praying Grandma would come to her senses and leave the JW religion before she died..

  My JW hubby and his Mom pulled so many "Guilt Trips" on me before he passed away..I know them all.

  Even going so far as to tell hubby God will find him a new wife in the new system..

  No blow was too low! The pain was pretty bad..

  But the memorial talk was even worse..so impersonal..

  Golden Girl..
• 

  El blanko

  My Grandmother hasn't even been put to rest yet and already, my mother starts with "You know that Grandma's greatest wish was for you to get reinstated."

  Then, one of my siblings tells me that another of my siblings not only said she wouldn't come to Grandma's memorial if I went but also that sibling who called me should not still be talking to me; even though I called her to tell her that Grandma died.

  Grrrrrr..... makes me mad to hear the same old story again and I do feel sorry for you. How some individuals love to pound upon an open wound.

  So much for love amongst them eh!

  Conditional love maybe, hmmm, yes, thats it. Conditional. Listen to us, obey our voice and our arms will fold around you.

  Sickos.

  Have you murdered anybody? Do you regularly thieve from your family? Are you obnoxious in general? Do you launch unprovoked attacks on family members? Are you a hideous sex offender?

  I hope you are able to step away and see the situation for what it is.
• 

  ColdRedRain

  Grrrrrr..... makes me mad to hear the same old story again and I do feel sorry for you. How some individuals love to pound upon an open wound.

  The sick part about it is that they'd rather push their religion on you rather than say "I'm sorry".

  Speaking of the words "I'm sorry.", I'm sorry if my words came off as a bit brash. Having to suffer with the constant guilt mongering and graveyard proselytizing of this cult is what lead to me being put in the mental hospital a year ago.

  Anyways, PM me if you need any sympathy.Fleur.
• 

  Xandria

  Fleur,

  I truly understand how you feel about this and cremation isn't an easy thought to embrace. But the one thing that helped me, through the process. It is believing that the person loved, shed her earthly shell. Like a caterpillar leaving a cocoon and becoming a butterfly. She was no longer tied to earthly bonds, for she is truly free.

  Some think that death is not an ending but a beginning. To what, I don?t know. As for your family and their blatant use of her death to guilt trip you, it is so wrong; on so many levels. Right now, you may not feel strong enough to be dealing with boundary issues.

  But, I would attend at least for yourself. Your siblings and anyone else who doesn?t want you there, can go flip beans! If they want to be that petty and conditional then that is their choice, not yours. You cannot take responsibility for their feelings, nor should you worry about it. That is their baggage. At least you attended; afterwards you can go to a place and hold a private ceremony of your own, to remember her in your own special way. So it is not as wooden as the ceremony the Witnesses do. I know it lacks feeling and compassion; which is so alien to what your grandmother represented to you. For many who have gone through the process of a JW ceremony (regardless of what it is) there is a feeling of something being left out. An incompleteness which you can fill by completing your own memorial and remembrance.

  One example would be writing all you feel in a letter, set it in a Japanese Floating Lantern and go to a pond or lake area. Set the lantern on lit on the water with the letter and watch it until it goes out of sight. She will always be with you in your heart.

  The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. It is a way for you and others who loved the person who died to say, "We mourn this death and we need each other during this painful time." If others tell you that rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen. You have the freedom to plan a funeral that will meet the unique needs you have. While you may find comfort and meaning in traditional funeral ceremonies, you also have the right to create a ceremony that reflects the unique personality of your family and the person who died. Do not be afraid to add personal touches to even traditional funerals.

  You have the freedom to embrace your pain during the funeral. The funeral may be one of the most painful but also the most cathartic moments of your life. Allow yourself to embrace your pain and to express it openly. Do not be ashamed to cry. Find listeners who will accept your feelings no matter what they are.

  You have the freedom to plan a funeral that will reflect your spirituality.

  You have the freedom to search for meaning before, during and after the funeral . When someone you loved dies, you may find yourself questioning your faith and the very meaning of life and death. This is natural and in no way wrong. Don't let others dismiss your search for meaning with clichéd responses such as, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you still have to be thankful for."

  You have the freedom to make use of memory during the funeral . Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Include memories from many different people in the eulogy. Use a memory board or a memory table.

  You have the freedom to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Especially in the days immediately following the death, your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals.

  You have the freedom to move toward your grief and heal . While the funeral is an event, your grief is not. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you, before, during and after the funeral. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

  She was your grandmother, who loved you regardless of the religion. From what you have written about her, I believe she felt you would find your way. After all, serving God and knowing about God are two different things. I truly believe she would not want you going through the motions of religion. Having a spiritual relationship is between you and what you believe. God is many different things, beings, to many different people; and cannot be contained by man?s interpretation, rules, and so on.

  Most of all, Fleur you do what is right for you. I think your grandmother would want you to be true to yourself. That was her gift and legacy to you.

  Sincerely,

  X.
• 

  confusedjw

  Then, one of my siblings tells me that another of my siblings not only said she wouldn't come to Grandma's memorial if I went but also that sibling who called me should not still be talking to me; even though I called her to tell her that Grandma died.

  Twisted blackmail, just like Jesus used.

  Just tell them you have converted to Samaritian. The WT likes to BLAST the Jews of the day for being haughty to the Samaritians while Jesus got chummy with them.

  If they shun a Samaritian they will look like a Pharasie.

  (I know I can't spell)
• 

  jgnat

  It never ceases to amaze me how stupid and cruel family can be at times like this. Now is not the time to take a stand, say harsh words, make things personal. Even though your family is being stupid about it, you don't have to join in. For your personal mental health, you need to find a way to say your personal goodbyes, and in whatever way possible, honor the memory of your grandmother. If you keep that uppermost in your mind, I think you will have a better time of it.

  Decide what you need to give your grandmother a proper sendoff. Is it important for you to be at the funeral for her sake? If so, do go. Take up your friend's offer. Forget what anybody else thinks.

  You may also want to hold a private goodbye at your grandmother's gravesite. Pick people to go with you that are your loving support. Maybe compose a poem, create a wreath, place a teddybear, anything that can make it special for you and memorialize your grandmother's contribution to the world.

  Allow yourself to grieve properly.
• 

  Satanus

  Good old wt tactics. Ugg. I guess i'm w xandria in that i think that your gandmother is still existing, perhaps grinning at the silly wt dogma that she had embraced. If that is true, then her love for you would continue.

  Not sure if you read my post a bit ago about my maternal grandmother. She was supposedly interfering in my parents' marriage early on. So, we moved away and i was always given a bad impression of her. She died a few yrs ago. Recently, in a meditation, it was like the blockage of my father was cast aside and i felt her love for me. This lasted a few days. 'Course, it could be just my imagination.

  Anyway, my sympathies to you. If things don't work out at the funeral, you can always do your own vigil or something like that, say goodbye, or whatever.

  S
• 

  Balsam

  Funerals are tough. Good for the active witness though who said she would go with you, not that is great someone is not frightened of how others will view them.

  As for Grandma always wishing you would be reinstated. Here is the way I look at it now I know that JW do not have the only way to life. Grandma knows now you were not wrong in leaving. If there is an afterlife, it is not as JW say it is.

  I lost a son to death who was very faithful to the JW religion just the way we taught him. I left after he died, but I had many dreams after that where he came to me and told me it is ok Mom I understand now. Well it may be only my imagination but I found it comforting anyway. I fell those who have passed are enlightened according to the Buddhist thought on death.

  Sorry you lost your Gram, they always love us so much don't they?