friend

teejay

What are they? What's your definition? How would you define the word... the person you'd refer to by that word? What *is* a friend?

A while back, someone said to me that a friend is someone who would get out of bed in the middle of the night to bail you out of jail. Yep. I had to admit... that's something a friend would do, all right. But after I thought about it, that definition seemed a little too narrow to me. A little too specific. Especially since I've come to know people I've never laid eyes on... people I connected with online... people who'd never be able to bail me out of jail, only because they were just too damn far away.

The way I began to look at what the word meant, that earlier definition implied, at least to me, that friendship is dependent on what someone can tangibly do for you. Like... take you to the grocery store. Bring you chicken soup when you're sick. Brush your hair. Bail you out of jail.

In other words, that previous definition of "friend" is merely someone who is little more than a paid servant. What that kind of person/"friend" does is something you can PAY someone else (who's NOT a friend) to do.

So, I thought about it some more. And I've come up with what I believe is a revolutionary definition of the word "friend."

What's *your* definition?

StinkyPantz

I'm very curious about your revolutionary definition for friend, because I have yet to come up with one for myself. For me it's one of those things where, you know it when you see it. A while back I started a thread about this very subject. This was the (loose) criteria I gave for a friend:

I think everyone's ideas of what a friend should be like are broad. For me a friend is someone who:

-shares common interests with you

-misses you when they don't hear from you regularly/ Someone who thinks about you when you aren't around

-worries about you

-applauds your successes and is supportive when you do not succeed

-sacrifices their time and money and sometimes sanity for you

-can tell you your faults calmly

-can hug you or tell you they luv ya, without it being too weird

(All of these are reciprocal. You feel these things for them and they feel them for you)

This list could go on and on right? To me though, a true sign of friendship is trust:

*When a person has confided in you (this shows that they trust you on some level) and you can confide in them and it remains between the two of you, that is a friend *

It seems like the other criteria I listed aren't as necessary as this one. You have to proof you are trustworthy.

----

For the most part I still agree with what I wrote a year ago. Trust is key. I'd also like to add that a true friend will come to you when there are problems in the relationship. They'll want to fix things instead of simply throwing everything away. Unless of course whatever you did was something totally obviously unforgivable, like sleeping with their wife .

Markfromcali

I don't have so much a definition as a sense which I'll try to describe, which is basically someone who accepts you unconditionally for who you are. The thing is if you go with common interest and what you like, your commonalities, that is still limited, and it is in a sense what someone can do for you or with you even if it is not a local physical interaction. (say talking about the same thing you both like to talk about online)

The basic idea is it's not someone who latch on to the same things you do, but rather someone who gives you your freedom. You may happen to like the same thing anyway, but that is not what the relationship is based on - like if that common interest dropped then the friendship would be in jeapardy. Sure you may not do things together so much if that happened, but if the friendship is still there then it is based on something other than interests and things you do together - in fact that would mean nothing can really affect the friendship. From the 'what can you do for me' perspective it may seem like that isn't much, but frankly that is because it is not a perspective of freedom. It is not based on some kind of agreement, but any common interaction just happens to come naturally for both of you. It's friendship for no reason.

Mulan

I have had a friend for over 30 years, who is a JW and is still my friend. She has told me many times that if I get disfellowshipped, she will never abandon me, but will just make her life a little more creative. That is true friendship.

She has been there for me, more times than I can count, when I had family emergencies, a critical childbirth situation, where she just took over my children, fed them, took them to school on the first day because I was in the hospital, all without being asked. She just said she was doing it.

When we had a death in our family, she again came to the rescue and they even mowed our lawn. She helps me take care of my parents, and they love her like another daughter, almost.

Many years ago when one of our sons was in jail (unpaid traffic tickets), she bailed him out, because it was a weekend, and we didn't have access to that much cash, and she did.

My children love her as if she were their aunt. We raised our children together and my grandchildren call her "grandma _ _ _ _" (can't even put her initial here, to protect her).

To me that is true friendship.

She told me once that she had read in a magazine, that you know who your best friend is, when you think about who you would want to go through your things when you die. She told me it would be me. I am a co-signer on her big bank account (not her husband) because she trusts me completely to carry out her wishes, with her money, which was an inheritance she is hanging onto very diligently.

BrendaCloutier

Friendship is highly reciprical(sp).

I have had "friends" that never responded in kind where I was the only one reaching out for a friendship with someone I valued. I have had friends that I really didn't want as friends usually because they were extremely judgemental of me and others. Or they were draining to be around and didn't understand (wouldn't) that I needed space. They'd get insulted when I'd gently explain my needs, when their own were all they cared about. Energy vampires.

True friendship can span time and space. A person who understands you and you understand. Mutual respect even if you don't agree with them, or what they're doing. You love them anyway because you value them, and they you. Someone you can be honest with, even blunt if necessary.

I have limited close friends that meet the above description because they are very rare.

I have other friendships with people I have come to know in a public relationship. Example: A gal at the neighborhood grocery whom I have become a trusted confidant, and a woman I will give a hug to when she needs it or I do. We don't hang out or call. We laugh, we're loving, and we're supportive, but I wouldn't bail them out of jail! I would visit them in the hospital.

TJ - so what is your new description of a friend? Got me going on it!

Peace

Bren

teejay

Interesting thoughts about what a friend *does*, sister StinkyPantz. I tend to agree. Still, you have not mentioned what a friend *is*.

BrendaCloutier

a friend *is*

That's what.

Hugs

Bren

StinkyPantz

IMO, a friend is identified by what they *do*; but I'll think on it longer, just for you.. my friend .

Right on BrendC..

teejay

Mulan:

you know who your best friend is, when you think about who you would want to go through your things when you die. She told me it would be me.

Now... *that's* deep.

It calls to mind a scene in the movie Bridges of Madison County... where the kids are going through their mother's stuff. After she's passed on and they have only their memories to comfort them.

Although I wouldn't care who went through my stuff after I'm dead and gone, I think that it would be especially nice to have a friend do so.... to be there. To speak for me.

I liked what you said, Sister Mulan. It was very special.

minimus

Well, Stinky Pantz is a "friend" to Teejay because everytime he's on a thread, so is she......To me, we actually have very few friends. In my mind, I might not see a "friend" for years but upon a reunion, it's like we were never away from each other. A "best friend" is a loyal person that will never backstab you and always try to look at the good and make a defense for you whenever possible.

friend

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