I've been fading since the 1995 '1914' generation doctrine change fiasco, and still haven't successfully completed it. It's awful to lead a double life for so freaking long!
DY
Fading, but I dont think I can do it
by vitty 26 Replies latest jw friends
-
-
BluesBrother
Hey , what can they do, unlesss you go out and start un-witnessing to them? or admit posting on the net?
They have no authority to take any action unless you hand them something - If the elders , or an inquisitive relative want to give you some "spiritual help" , just have some dissuading comments ready and then remain silent.. In my experience the elders usually want to opt for a quiet life and do not go fishing for trouble (around here anyway)
Enjoy your daughters wedding ... BTW Mouthy's comments were brilliant. We must stand by what we know to be right.. If I wanted to go back, I just could not do it now, I guess we know too much
-
hillary_step
Vittvin,
I sympathize with your circumstances. It is very hard to leave the WTS with your life intact and without painful repurcussions, but it can be done. Planning, patience and self-control seem to be the secret in keeping WTS wolves from your doors. I have found that an average of around three years is the time it takes if you have any sort of profile in the WTS. If you have been a 'wek' witness, it is generally much quicker and easier to fade.
This thread is an excellent source of help for those 'fading', or planning to 'fade' from the WTS:
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/34518/1.ashx
Hope that it helps, and good luck - HS
-
willyloman
I'm glad Hillary Step posted that thread, it was invaluable to me when I began my fade a year ago (So far, so good).
My best advice: fading is a "game," based on the WTS's "rules." You have to recognize it is a game, and you have to keep your head in the game at all times. That sounds like it would wear you out, and it can, but if you embrace the game, you can play to win. After all, you know the rules and you can predict the play of the opposing team. And if you are protecting yourself or your loved ones, it's worth the effort.
Remember: This is a game and you have to keep your head in the game. Eventually, you'll have established a whole new life and won't care and the game can be over (I'm almost there).
-
codeblue
I started fading 1.5 years ago............
I must say I feel like a "double agent" with my JW family..........at first I didn't mind not telling how I really felt....we all know the consequences IF and When we do.....
When I would not reveal what I was really thinking or doing or leading them on that I was doing just as they would, I remembered that "theocratic warfare" is the same....The WTBS believes in not revealing everything to us or not telling us the whole story. They don't consider themselves "liars".
In the last few months, a couple of my JW sisters have found out a few of my new found info (my new husband blabbed a couple things we learned the first time he met one of them---sigh)..........which they have treated me horribly....The one acted like Nazi-Hitler and hung up on me...............the other was "nice" about her words but still I was not given RESPECT for my views.
I must say, maybe it is a good thing they have found out...it is very hard to keep up "appearances as a double-agent". Now I am waiting for JW sister #3 to call and put me down.........(I don't think I can handle any more pain right now, I have been going thru quite a grieving process because I feel they don't love me anymore).
Every action in our life has a reaction.
What reaction can you handle better??? It is up to you.
Just know we are here to support you on any decision you make, because we respect you and truly care about YOU.
Sending you many hugs... (cause I know what you are going thru and feel your pain)
CodeBlue
-
Winston Smith :>D
vittin,
Any here that decide to fade I take my hat off to.
Some are able to do it, like willy seems to be able to pull off [hurray!], but to me, it seems unimaginable.
After I learned the truth about the Troof, I knew I would either DA myself or get DF'd. I don't like untidy endings.
But I have the advantage of all of my family predominantly out of the WTS, minus my wife.
Those that are more pragmatic than I was about leaving for family is understandably a tough decision.
For me, I already lived over half of my life for other people, the GB & WTS. I don't want to waste the last half of my life appeasing other people as well.
I gotta be free and find myself and my true potential
Best,
Paul
-
Undecided
I started fading 30 years ago. I married a non-JW then and she got the blame for my fading. My aunt was the main one who kept comming back to see me and trying to get my wife involved, so glad my wife is too smart for them to deceive. She saved me from going back. I tried to get her to go to the KH for a while and she did attend a few times but we compromised and neither of us attended any church after that, except the memorial a few times. I remember the first time I ever missed attending the memorial, I was riding by the KH and realized I had forgotten that tonight was the memorial night. I never attended another one after that.
I had gotten overloaded with responsibilities in the KH and had decided to quit before I married my second wife,(The first one was a JW) but still believed for a while it was the "truth". I didn't have the family problem you have so it was easy for me, I wish I could give you some help solving this problem, all I can do is wish you happiness and success in your fade. My mother died soon after I got married and my brother got Dfed so I didn't have to worry about family shunning me.
Ken P.
-
undercover
It takes time to fade...some take years and never really make a clean getaway. It does get easier with time. The paranoia decreases. The fear of elders knocking on the door or calling lessens. Not to say that they won't come calling, but over time you care less and less till eventually you don't care what they do or say. You don't worry about running into JWs when out and about. I run into some old JW "friends" occasionally. I speak and chat with them. Some are seem really glad to see me and we have a good chat, others avoid me and whisper about me when I'm out of earshot. Whatever. Their loss. I fear none of them anymore and I don't care what they say about me. As time goes by, I see why some opt for the straight out strategy of DAing. It does give you a sense of closure that fading will not give you. But if you have family still in or if you just refuse to play by the WTS rules fading is an art form all it's own.
Having family still in the "truth" is the toughest part. They're usually the reason many of us fade so that we can keep those family relations intact but at the same time a lot of these same people, who we go through the pain of fading for, will look down on us as "weak" or "unspiritual". They will pressure us to return and outright condemn us for "leaving Jehovah". Sometimes you have to keep your cool, remain calm and look at the big picture...keeping family intact. It may mean some confrontations from time to time, but what family doesn't have them anyway?
Good luck
-
Dansk
Hi Vittvin,
As you've realised, fading is extremely difficult. I couldn't do it!
I woke up one morning and just knew I couldn't ever set foot in a kingdom hall again and listen to that same old horse manure from the same condescending and patronising people. I've paid the price for not fading - my wife and two sons, also - but knowing what I know now I'd do exactly the same thing again.
One has to be truthful with oneself, no matter how painful the outcome. This is about YOU living YOUR life and not someone else's, in this case your daughter's. I've lost my two girls to the organisation. I'm responsible because I brought them up in it - but in years to come I'm hopeful that they will respect my decision, rather than if I'd hung on, feeling sick and washed out, going on the field misery and making myself and all those around me feeling depressed - because that's what happens!
The organisation thrives on the anxiety and fear it inculcates in its members. It wants everyone to be too afraid to leave. I've no doubt people in my old congregation will be in even more fear of leaving now that they've seen my own family - considered the model JW family - broken up. Happily, my wife and two sons came out with me. They respect me, I know, because I didn't pussyfoot around.
Someone has already stated that time is a great healer and I can vouch for that. I've been diagnosed with a terminal disease on top of all the JW garbage, but I wouldn't change things now for anything! That's what I mean. It's important - so important - to be true to ourselves. To me fading would have been living a lie. I can't do it!
There are those who have been fading for years and I know and appreciate why. We're all different and if fading is your only way out (it isn't - it only seems that way!) then you must go with your conscience. But if you do stay and try the fade will you ever be truly happy? You could stay, do the fade, and still lose your daughter! None of us knows what the future holds, which is why YOU must look after YOURSELF!
This isn't being selfish! If you can't love yourself you will never be able to love anyone else. If you can't be honest with yourself, you will never be truly honest with anyone else. You are YOU, not some automaton that Watchtower churns out every baptism! You will NEVER be truly free until you make the break.
I genuinely wish you well with your difficult decision. If you can fade and pull it all off then congratulations to you - but I rather think you're more like myself! It is extremely difficult to even get ready for meetings knowing what's in store. That itself is enough to tell you what you are doing isn't right. And to have to do that for possibly many more years to come - wasting any chance of real happiness you could have had during that period - just isn't worth it.
I am extremely confident that Watchtower is losing. Just seeing all the newbies here is testimony to that. Oh, sure, there'll always be the old diehards, but they'll just get covered in the dust and cobwebs from the razed buildings!
Find genuine people and surround yourself with them - there are thousands here! These will keep you upbuilt and you will suddenly find inside yourself a person you never knew was there - that's the REAL you! Watchtower suppresses it because it is a threat to its existence. Once your true self emerges you won't even worry about the shunning. By an amazing twist, once you know the truth, the truth will indeed set you free
I wish you well, Vittvin. We're all cheering you on. Remember, you are NEVER alone now.
Love and best wishes,
Ian
-
Midget-Sasquatch
Quite a few people I know who are also fading felt like that at some time or another. I'm always on the verge of breaking.Its very hard trying to pretend with your own family. I think that time will be on your side, as long as you look after yourself first though. If you're not ready to deal with the inevitable backlash from completely leaving the dubs, just go about playing the role of the spiritually tepid. That will dissuade non family JWs from engaging with you and more importantly it will not evoke a crisis situation with the family. I'll be honest with you. If you have all of your family in the dubs the fading will never end. You'll have to decide whether that sacrifice of some of your freedom is worth it, or if you'll be happier accepting a much a cooler level of interaction with them.
I've slipped up quite a few times lately with my family and told them some of the troubles I have with JW doctrine. I regretted it. But in your case since you didn't directly tell the JW family yet, just tell the other person to please keep mum. If the family has already heard, then just be prepared to tell them that you were just so overwhlemed with work etc. That lately you felt drained on all levels. So to keep up your 'spirituality' you were just practicing a suggestion the Society had made. They 'encouraged' us to re-examine our beliefs and to try and prove the Troof to ourselves so that we can "truly make it our own". You wanted to do a thorough job, and so you were just playing devils advocate with some counterpoints. For a bit you were genuinely wondering about some of the stuff you came up with. You inadvertantly bounced some ideas off of someone else but you've since gotten satisfying answers to your questions. (Just avoid at all costs telling them which side you've settled on).
Use as much WTS lingo as possible. Let them conclude that the dub world view and paradigm is still your reality, you're just not one of those 100 percenters...more like the 30. I really don't feel good about myself when lying to my family, so I can sympathize. I really feel for you. Hang in there. While with fading the dub crap is always going, you do get some very nice long periods of utter peace from it all.