The subtle distancing of my Witness past.... (page 2)

logansrun

I just wanted to add, outstanding post Markfromcali. I concur completely.

Another thing popped into my head. If we believe we need a lot of time for "healing" then we will...need a lot of time for healing! If we believe we are "always going to be a recovering JW" then we will....always be a recovering JW. Now, maybe there is some truth to that, but only so far as we believe it.

Psychologist Alfred Adler used the idea of "act-as-if" in his psychotherapeutic sessions, an idea also used by AA (remember, "fake it to make it"). If we want to truly heal ourselves from the JWs why not attempt to "act as if" we are already healed and no longer "recovering"? The results might surprise you.

B.

gumby

To be honest, I think that you hit the nail on the head right there. I have been out for going on seven years now, and on exJW forums on and off for going on five. But the thing that draws me back, I find, is the fact that 99 percent of my family are still in and when issues arise, deaths in the family, weddings, anything else that causes the wounds to be reopened, I need to come back and talk to people who truly understand what I have been through and many of whom are going through it themselves.

Fleur.......I think you spoke for many here.......myself included 100%.

I thought this last year I was over alot of baggage.....until yesterday, when I realised all of my dub family were all eating THanksgiving Dinner without me. Coc* s%c*ers ! It made me angry, sad, and whatever other emotion there is. It's been 10 years out for me......but rejection from loved ones will NEVER come easy. If family and friends were not issues in exiting the borg.....I could see one moving on.

Also....I'm with Country Girl........friends don't abbandon friends that decide to move on.

Gumby

LittleToe

Rejection can physically hurt.
For that reason the WTS have employed perhaps the most effective weapon in their abusive arsenal, to keep people mentally enslaved.

(((Gumby)))

Great thread Bradley!
I'm left with only two reasons to remain here - the friends I have made, and the opportunity to assist those who are leaving and recovering. The latter is rewarding in its own right.

Fe2O3Girl

For most ex-Witnesses there is the phase one goes through right after leaving the JWs when all you do is think about the organization and the weird doctrines and the control and the...on and on and on. I was there. I know what it was like for me, and I don't think I'm much different from most ex-dubs. When I first left the JWs I could hardly stand to even look at a Watchtower. Periods of great anquish, cynicism, depression and immense anger overcame me on a regular basis. Things are much different now.

This process of leaving the JWs may not start at the point when JWs materially leave you. For a lot of people, they are mentally and emotionally still deeply entrenched in JW beliefs, at levels from belittling other religious views to believing themselves to be worthless, wicked people. The real process of leaving the JWs may start years after the material event, or sadly for some, never at all.

logansrun

gumby,

If family and friends were not issues in exiting the borg.....I could see one moving on.

So, what is the alternative then, gumby? To be a "recovering" ex-JW, forever "healing" and in need of "processing" the past till we are lying horizontal in a box with a lily in our hands? Yes, the loss of friends and family (which I have experienced) is a tragedy. But, if we focus, talk about, brood over and protest over the tragic aspects of our lives -- on a daily basis even! -- we will diminish or miss out completely on the part of our lives that have joy, meaning and potential.

If someone loses the use of their legs and has to live in a wheelchair do you think it does them any good to constantly talk about the very real tragedy they have experienced in their lives? Or do they...get on with it? After an initial amount of processing I feel we simply have to get tough with ourselves. I know that sounds brutish and crude, but it's the truth. For our own good we need to muster the fortitute and attitude to be able to really deal with this, more likely than not, unchangeable aspect of our lives. We can say to ourselves: "Well, my friends and family are misled and wrongly shun me. Tough shit! I'm going to live my life and grow with or without them. I love them and am happy they are well, but I don't absolutley need them either."

It's been an axiom since the Greeks or even before -- your life will follow what you think and talk about. Focusing on the past and current pain in our lives will only increase our pain and make us bitter and stuck in our "grieveing" rut.

B.

blondie

Actually, I had left mentally long before I left physically. If it weren't for the WT Review I do each week for those still in or leaving or wanting to know what their JW family are hearing on Sunday, I would have little contact with JW thinking. But abandoning the WTS has not meant abandoning my Bible study, merely expanded it to more and different Bibles and other sources beyond the WTS. Like Little Toe, I like the idea of helping people if I can; and it reminds me why I left.

I have found the same situation with dealing with alcoholism in my family. I went to Al-Anon and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings every week for many years; now I go occasionally and most of what I do is help other people get help. I will always be a child of an alcoholic but I have learned healthier ways to cope, heal and move on. The same with the sexual abuse I suffered. I will never erase that from my past, but it no longer dominates my days and nights. I find I can even help others and feel proper righteous indignation.

Blondie

logansrun

I respectfully acknowledge those ex-JWs who are here for humanitarian reasons. It's great. My personal feelings are that there is so much information out there, and there are so many ex-JW forums that I don't feel the great need to help those who are newly out. I view the "JW-ex-JW" world as being a sort of revolving door of those who need help and those who give it. There was a time when I needed help and I have reciprocated as well. There will always be people with shoulders for crying on, thank God. Just make sure that you can wipe it off every now and then.

B.

gumby

If someone loses the use of their legs and has to live in a wheelchair do you think it does them any good to constantly talk about the very real tragedy they have experienced in their lives? Or do they...get on with it?

Hell no it does no good to complain....but that doesn't lessen the pain. Do you think Christopher Reeves ever "got over it"? Did he not have moments (many of them) of despair? Get on with it eh? Does a wife who loses her husband get on with it? Maybe in time. Some grieve for 40 years and some for 2 years....everyones different. To expect all and everyone to 'get on with it' is narrow thinking I'm afraid.

I get on with it the best I can, but emotions are emotions and they don't lie.

Gumby

logansrun

gumby,

Hell no it does no good to complain....but that doesn't lessen the pain.

Actually, complaining tends to make the pain worse. Have you ever had a bruise or cut that really hurt and then were totally distracted by something else. You probably didn't even feel the pain when your mind was distracted. The same thing is true with emotional pain. Our emotions follow our thoughts and our actions. Complain, think about the past, talk to others about how "sorry" your condition is and you will feel more pain. I'm not talking about grieveing in the intitial stages of experiencing a loss, I'm talking about the point in our lives when it's years later. So, in actual fact, not complaining will lessen the pain. If you say it does no good to complain, why are you complaining?

Some grieve for 40 years and some for 2 years....everyones different. To expect all and everyone to 'get on with it' is narrow thinking I'm afraid.
I get on with it the best I can, but emotions are emotions and they don't lie.

First off, I absolutely acknowledge that there is a "grieveing process" in any loss which is equal to the loss we experience. It's normal, healthy and necessary to do so. Nevertheless, any good psychologist will tell you that to go overboard and live in the past is not healthy after a while. Take the case of people who lose their mates. I've seen some who, when faced with the death of their loved one, end up in the grave not long after their wife/husband dies. I've seen others who, after some time to heal, are able to get on with life, acknowledge their loss occassionally, and go forward. Which would you rather be?

We can control our emotions as long as we are not in a clinically neurotic or psychotic state. Emotions tend to follow our thinking and language, both internal and external. Do emotions lie? I don't know. I do know they are not always a very reliable guide. I also know that they can be nudged in a positive direction through our efforts. Do you want to give that effort, gumby?

B.

Pole

Experienced ex-witnesses are oftentimes the best experts on JW-ism on this planet. They may play a great role in helping others who want to leave but are not sure if they're right having "nagging doubts" about the religion.

There are also people who need justifiable "revenge". And folks who treat JW-ism as a hobby and enjoy predicting its rapid demise every two weeks or so :)). The UN scandal might never have been discovered without the efforts of ex-JWs.

Anyway, there are also those who will only think their healing is complete when they hardly remember being a JW. Good for them too!!!

The subtle distancing of my Witness past....

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