What would you do?,,,,need advice (page 2)

Narkissos

Dede,

My father died early this year and I hadn't seen him for several years. That's something I deeply regret, although I'm not sure it could have been really different. When I was df'd, he didn't want to talk to me at first, but eventually he did. We even discussed some religious subjects because he asked for it. However, later things turned bad again and again for different reasons -- not all of them JW-related. In the end I think we both felt better not seeing each other, which was either a frustrating or painful experience for both of us. I feel we were really at peace with each other not seeing each other, keeping the memories of the time of my early childhood when we really loved each other. The last time I wrote to him it was about that, and I know (from my half-sister) he was pleased and understood. Further contact would have been negative for both of us.

Fwiw, I'd say: when you feel like it, give it a try. It may be worth it. Be sure though you know how far you mean to go, and your emotional blackmail red light is working.

I wish you the very best.

garybuss

If my dad was trying to contact me I guess I'd have a third party like my pastor friend contact him and feel out the situation. If he wanted to make contact to tell me what a piece of crap I am like he has done in the past the pastor would find that out. If I decided to meet with him, I would have that meeting in a "safe" environment like a counselor's office or in a room not in my or his home accompanied by a few of my friends, not relatives.

I am really skeptical of people who have been especially unnecessarily abusive to me in the past. I am equally skeptical of anyone who has neglected me in the past. My parents have been very discouraging people to me. They have taken a mean approach to life outside the group. I have a very low level of will to meet up with those people. I have a good life without them and not one of them is missed. I had kind of hoped to not have to deal with them any more.

GaryB

frankiespeakin

Ly'n

Take it slow,,from what you said it seems that your father wants to establish a relationship with you and your family inspite of what the Tower teaches. I think he may be softening. Best wishes.

gypsywildone

A letter is a good idea. Set the terms of YOUR boundaries & expectations, if you decide to re-open this at all. You can let him know what you will & will not find acceptable treatment, etc. & if he doesn't want to play by your rules, well...

LyinEyes

I knew I was doing the right thing in asking ya'll for your advice on this matter. I have read every post and all are great ideas, of how to approach him.

I also greatly appreciate you all reminding me that I am an adult , I don't have to go back to taking everything he says without standing up for myself , now.

What is so strange about him wanting contact , is I have been reading my mother's diary she wrote when she was 15, when she was dating my dad,,,,he was 17. I cried alot reading it, reading of how even thou they were so young they wanted a child.......I know things were different back then than they are nowadays about starting a family so young. The way my father treated my mother in the diary was very touching, I was able to see a part of him I never really knew about. He had to work out of state while waiting to earn money to marry my Mom and to work on getting consent to be married by her parents..........he used to write my Mother 7 or 8 page letters. Just little things like this , touched me, and I get teary eyed talking about it,,,,,,,but I miss my parents.

I will never be able to talk to my Mother , at least on this side of life, and that always hurts so much, especially this time of year.

I think I have come along way in my recovery over alot of issues .

When I left the borg, I grieved over my Mother. I saw her in a whole new light, I made peace with her, and I saw more of myself in her.

Lately, I have been thinking more of the good things about my Father, this has been going on before he tired to make contact.

I wonder thinking about my softening view of my Father, if I am starting to forgive him? It is funny , I think I have been forgiving him lately, even thou until the other day, I thought I would never see him again.

Thanks for all of the wonderful advice, suggestions and of course as always all of your support,,,,,,,,love to you all, Dede

I will keep ya posted on what happens.

P.S. Ian you look so much like my Dad, when I get my scanner fixed I will show ya ,,,,,,you look like him in your newest avatar pic. Every time I saw your pic,,,,,,,, I thought of my Dad and missed him. Just little reminders of him, do make me see that I would like to have peace with him and at least I want him to understand me. Hugsssssssssss, hope you are doing good.

Poztate

If I allow him back in my life, will I only hurt myself , and all this time of healing will I go back to hurting again?

If your Father wants and needs to come back into your life at a PERSONAL level this could be positive. If on the other hand he wants to bring the JW ideas back and use this as an opportunity to "witness" to you that will be counter productive,in my opinion.

I hope for the best for you...Trying to deal with your own family is hard.

I am really skeptical of people who have been especially unnecessarily abusive to me in the past. I am equally skeptical of anyone who has neglected me in the past.
Gary B

Gary B

I feel the same way...I am in no hurry to go back to the same persons who sh*t all over me.Prove It !!!

POZ.

Sassy

Dede, it's one of those situations where if you dont' contact him, you will always questions if you should have, even though your might be afraid to..... as much as our parents can hurt us.... inside I believe there is a part of us that still needs them.. Of course this religion can get in the way, so it puts an added twist into it...

Why not set down rules.. tell him that you are happy to have some contact with him, because you do love him, but set parameters.. tell him you do not wish to discuss being a JW, that he needs to respect your choices in your life and you will also do the same regarding his..

hemp lover

Have any of you kept in contact with JW family, or let them back in your life, after being totally shunned? Did you just not "go there" with the JW issues?

Yes and yes. I can't really add anything to the wonderful advice you've received, except to say that in my case, it was worth letting my parents back into my life (when they missed me too much to keep up the total shunning). Who knows how long they'll be around? My mom and I talk about lots of things that we never would have before, now that I'm no longer hiding my true self from them (for the most part). She came within a centimeter of wishing her granddaughter a happy birthday last week. That was kinda cool.

Your dad loves you and misses you. Think of the way you love your children. Can you imagine the constant pain you would feel to not have them in your life?

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. ((((Dede))))

confusedjw

Dede - this is how I approach such decisions.

Think into the future - 1, 5 , 10 years and ask yourself. Which decisions will I regret more? If you talk to him and it turns out the worst or if you never talk to him again and he dies.

If you think you will regret not talking to him - then I would.

If you do and it gets into the "whether it's the truth or not" pick one thing like the generation and say - "How can God's Organization teach something for 100 years that is so important and so wrong - a lie - and then still claim God is leading them?"

Answer that one thing Dad.

xenawarrior

Dede,

I can't offer you any advice on what to do with regard to your Dad and the whole JW thing but I can offer you some good thoughts. I really hope it all works out for you the way you need it to for you.

Good luck with it !!

Lisa

What would you do?,,,,need advice

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