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Episode III: The Badger Starts Digging Out
?A good sailor never knows where he?s going until he gets there, and even then he?s not sure.? ? Jimmy Buffet
After said encounter with Young Elder, I sowed hastily built resumes all over Hell?s Halfacre for a job?entry level, something fun or with a future.
I got the fun.
I was hired as a stringer for a newspaper in a small town in Oklahoma. My parents were not pleased about me taking a job and getting involved in ?journalism $#!+,? as they so scripturally put it, but they had told me to get a job and try to move out. I told them this was the best thing available. Also, I never went to the foundry they asked me to apply at.
My first real act of rebellion, and they hated it, but couldn?t do much about it. Not coincidentally, I started to miss meetings being on my own. I told others and myself this was because of my suddenly busy schedule, but I found myself stopping to eat or visit with a friend or some other non-work-related activity at meeting time. I knew I wanted out subconsciously; If I had really wanted to stay in, I wouldn?t have been so libertine in my pursuit of ?worldly? activities (playing on an indoor soccer team, joining an RPG group, etc.) that cut into my time. My father (still upset I left the full-time harassment work), said that Satan was tempting me with the things I like and would get involved in as a way to lure me out. My response: ?Well, then, I should do something I WON?T get involved in.?
He didn?t understand, nor did anyone else?I LOVED what I did. I felt it was something that suited me and I had a knack for (especially considering I had no formal schooling for it), but I was still expected fit into the narrow slot of what JWs are and what they do.
At about this time, I met a woman whom I fell for (and she for me) Both of us realized later that it was mostly hormones. I married her merely a year after meeting her, both of us 21. When premarital sex is a capital offense, as the JWs and other fundies like to say, then you get to focus more on the person you are consider marrying. I find that not to be the case, however?most witnesses I know (yours truly included) had very short courtships mostly because they can?t keep their hands of each other. Same here. We saw each other about once or twice a month before we got married, and only talked by phone a limited number of times until then. I suppose I could have also found a worldly girl during that time, but as limited as my game is now, it was completely absent at that time. I wasn?t settling at all; I truly thought that we would get along well (we tended to be outcasts in our respective congregations), and she had several wonderful qualities I wanted. I figured this was my best chance at love.
I never measured up to her family?s standards, as her sister was catty towards me and her father always saw it necessary to ?counsel? me.
The paper in her hometown gave me an offer?about a third more what I was making, reporting on crime. I had to take it, and her family was thrilled.
I made my share of meetings down there? then I learned I was a horrid crime writer, and the atmosphere of the paper didn?t agree with me. I soon got a job back in my home area and we moved there.
This pattern continued for quite a while. During all this itinerant moving, I began to fade from the org, Only I didn?t know it. She merely dropped in attendance, and my lack of concern about the org was a source of friction, as was my submerged feelings about my father and stepmother.
I had a temper, but was by no means abusive or hateful the way my parents were. I had no clue that families handled things any differently than with sharp outbursts, but that was what I brought into it. I was tender and affectionate, to be sure, but I tended to react to problems in the same old way.
Continuing in the org, at least in name only, did little to help. I was pressured from all sides about my service, attendance and time. Meetings were a source of stress, as I was compared to the others in the congregation. Guilt was very, very heavy over me. I wanted to reach out (or at least put on the appearance) but I knew I would never get as close again as I did when I was pioneering. ?You?d make a great elder? she told me (when you had her on your side, she was a great supporter), but I knew I would never be able to pull it off in my heart.
She also talked me into something I should have done in the first place: college. I was 25, and could now apply for financial aid without counting my parent?s money, with my own income counting against need (and Lord, did I have a lot of Need). I took a freshman year at a junior college and then transferred back to my hometown. Again, my dad was not pleased. A conversation I overheard one night:
Badger?s wife: Badger is starting college to be a teacher.
Badger?s dad: (truly perplexed and upset) Why?
Badger?s wife: Because, we?re tired of having a car that breaks down all the time, not having anything saved up, jumping from job to job and not having any security!
Again, there were certainly reasons I married her. That didn?t stop my dad, though, from constant second guessing. ?Have you talked to some of the brothers who are teachers? They say they don?t really like it.? ?Yeah, well, they hated it even when they were in college. What do you expect??
Started school, and more of the same?low-moderate meeting attendance, but I was having an absolute blast in college. Again, I was progressively feeling like I belonged. I also took part-time work as a stringer for the local paper and also did some radio (I was a radio sports-talk host?that means I?m now an expert on everything.). The wife stayed home with our baby boy (who filled me with no small manner of pride), while I worked and went to school?leaving me with little time to relax, much less attend meetings.
All of those stresses continued. And while I still admired and wanted to draw closer to my wife, she was pulling away. She had been battling depression since the earth?s crust cooled, and had been as unaffectionate as possible. She shied from kisses at all times and left often to stay with her parents. Then she left the week before finals my junior year to stay with my parents.
In retrospect, it was for the best. We really weren?t meant for each other, and there were a lot of signs throughout the marriage that it wasn?t a good match. But I still stuck with the old organization line and worked like crazy to get her back. Also, I didn?t want my son to have a divorce under him. (although I can really understand what he?s going through, as my natural parents busted up at the same age). The congregation sided with her, it seemed, and refused to try to help us patch it up. Some of the elders even helped her move in with my parents.
I will repeat: Some of the elders even helped her move in with my parents.
They were also trying to heap the blame on me, although I had done nothing wrong scripturally except not go to meetings (which a lot of people were also guilty of, based on attendance). They then expressed disappointment at my ?Promising Start? as a pioneer.
That was it. I was prepared to let the Young Elder have it (he was still an elder, along with his brother in law, the P.O.). I borrowed a little righteous indignation from ?Any Given Sunday? (which I knew they hadn?t watched). Tough to beat an Oliver Stone tirade for sheer volume of opinion (parenthetical comments mine):
YE: You haven?t been making many meetings, Bro. Badger.
B: I?ve been busy. I work full time and intern full time.
PO: This is probably taking you away from Jehovah.
B: No, I still have a good relationship with him. I pray frequently (this was true) and study the publication (this wasn?t).
YE: So then, don?t you think this education and journalism is getting in the way?
B: For now, perhaps. But I?m looking at the big picture here. If I can get my education, I?ll have a lot more free time and a regimented schedule to serve more. I could even pioneer in the summer! (Note: while I may have wanted to get regular again, I never, ever wanted to pioneer again.)
PO: But look at what all of us have done. We?ve been able to provide for our families?
B: No offense, brothers, but you do it with floor cleaning. As much as I respect that and know what kind of work that must be, I?m not cut out for it. I?ve taught, and I?m good at it. I know my subject. I can do a lot of good. I?m not looking to get rich, just provide in my way.
YE: (smirking) Well, you never were a fan of hard work?
B: You can work hard or you can work smart?I believe YOU told me that once, brother. (pregnant pause) besides, I look at some of the brothers, and I feel sad.
PO: (suspiciously) What do you mean?
B: They?ve worked hard all their lives, and have nothing to show for it! Or they wind up losing it and leave their families and the Org (like the scion of this family did just a year ago?ouch?).
YE: But if you just gave a little sacrifice, you could move up the ranks so fast, Bro. Badger?
B: (two beats) that?s déjà vu if I?ve ever felt it?
YE: What are you saying? You don?t think you can after what you did when you were pioneering?
B: What I did? What DID I do?
YE: What did you do? You were immature and lazy, that?s what you?
B: ?I was 19! I was a kid, for crying out loud! So was (another brother who went to bethel and came back quick) and (another brother who went to bethel and came back even quicker). They all did the same stuff I did?you know, act like a dumb kid. But it was me you came down on. It was ME you used as your whipping boy, and don?t deny it.
PO: Bro. Badger, let?s not get personal?
B: I?m just saying what happened, that?s all. All the sudden it was, ?Oh, Badger, he?s a trouble maker, he?s a loose cannon, he don?t want to serve Jehovah!? You want to talk about sacrifice? I gave the organization 3 years of my prime and delayed what I wanted to do to try out your vision for me. I stayed put, no advancement, no recommendations for service, for three years, getting passed up by guys like (two names I justly said with great scorn). I?ve been back in town two years, and you all haven?t said a word to me. Not till my wife left. And then everyone is ?Be a man for Jehovah, do more, try harder, do more in the ministry??all you ever do is talk at me. Is that all it takes to be a shepherd? Truth is though, you, you (to young YE), my dad, all of them who still treat me like I?m 15 are SCARED.
PO: Scared?
B: Yeah, scared. Because I?m going to serve however I can, so if you ever remove me, restrict me, reprove me, whatever, I?ll at least be honest with myself for a change, instead of living the way everyone else wants me to. And you?re scared that if I do it my way, I just might make it?And then what was your life about anyway?
Nothing happened. If I found JWD at the end of 2001, I?d be out by now.
I finished out the year attending now and then and commiserating with the worldly friends I was making. I wasn?t DF?d, but I might as well have been. I had few who would talk to me, but I was cushioned by a circle of friends.
Then I graduated, finally. I had made a decision to slip away from the org slowly at that point, and getting a job in Dallas would help me to that end.
(to be continued?sucks, don?t it?)