Do JWs really grieve?

by undercover 17 Replies latest jw friends

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  undercover

  A strange thing happened to me while watching a television movie on the life of the late NASCAR star Dale Earnhardt; I got choked up remembering a close family member who died at an early age.
  

  For those of you who aren't familar with Earnhardt, his father died when Dale was a young man and this movie portrayed him pretty much living his entire life trying to live up to his father's ideals. Of course he died on the race track having some of the same issues with his own son, now a superstar on the track.

  As I watched the movie, a weird realization hit me. I had never grieved the death of my family member. I never accepted that he was dead and gone and never to be seen again. As JWs we believed that the dead were just "asleep" and we would see them "soon" in the new system. As I watched this not-so-well-made-for-TV movie, I got all choked up and realized that I was never going to see this person again. That night I had a dream about that person and now today I'm all bummed out over someone who died over 25 years ago.

  So that leads me to question whether JWs ever really grieve the death of loved ones. Experiencing what I experienced this weekend leaves me to think that they can't grieve if they don't accept that they are really dead, never to be seen again.
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  Xena

  I think they feel guilty if they do because it means their faith isn't strong enough. If they had faith they would KNOW they would be seeing their loved ones in the new system and not grieve to much. I never felt comfortable showing my grief when my parents died....
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  MungoBaobab

  Sure they do, like anyone else. It's interesting that some have equated grief with lack of faith in the resurrection, which the WTS always says it isn't; that it's okay to grieve. But deep down, I feel, everyone knows that there is no life after death, even if they won't admit it or vehemently defend their beliefs. That's why everyone grieves in some fashion and to some degree.
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  ozziepost

  Spot on!
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  undercover

  But deep down, I feel, everyone knows that there is no life after death, even if they won't admit it or vehemently defend their beliefs. That's why everyone grieves in some fashion and to some degree.

  I'll concede that some do grieve, I've seen JWs counseled for grieving too much(a despicable thing to do, by the way, counsel someone for grieving), but many JWs in a strange way do not accept that finality of death.

  I know, I spent most of my JW life waiting to see this dead loved one again. I pictured myself sitting down with them and telling them all that happened while they were gone. I've heard other JWs go on and on about how great it will be to see a dead loved one again. Is this reality? Is this healthy?

  Sure, we were sad to see them suffer and die, but if we really expect to see them again and have not accepted that they really are gone, how can we properly grieve?

  It's interesting that some have equated grief with lack of faith in the resurrection, which the WTS always says it isn't; that it's okay to grieve.

  This is a case of where the WTS talks out of both sides of their mouth. They'll say grieving is normal and it's okay and then turn around and say, don't worry, you'll see them again, cheer up. That's why so many don't grieve or they equate lack of faith with grieving, because the WTS insinuates it, even if they don't say it.
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  wannaexit

  When my father lost a family member a prominent elder chastised him for grieving. He told my dad that it was setting a bad example for others and it showed a lack of faith in the resurrection.

  wanna
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  Greenpalmtreestillmine

  I've been to funerals of JW children, mothers, husbands, old and young. JWs do grieve. They grieve as hard and as long as any other Christian.

  Sabrina
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  fleaman uk

  I've been to funerals of JW children, mothers, husbands, old and young. JWs do grieve. They grieve as hard and as long as any other Christian.

  I totally agree with this Statement.of course they grieve.I have never heard of anyone being counselled for grieving too much and i have never heard anyones faith called in to question if they do.Maybe this has happened elsewhere,but the Jw,s ive ever known (and grew up with)by and large are normal People with normal fears and concerns who enjoy life and are extremely upset when someones life is over.
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  cyber-sista

  I'm glad you brought this one up. Seems like from the above comment we have all some some different experiences with this. I went through a period of greiving this last year for a few family members I lost while I was in the Org. I don;t think I realized that I had never had a chance to truly grieve for them. It hit me really hard sometimes after my exiting from the Org. When my mother passed away none of the JWs I knew came to her funeral (she wasn't a JW) and I received only 2 cards of condolences from JWs. It seemed to be a sign of weakness for me to show emotion about my mother's passing. All those stupid comments too..."We'll she wasn't a witness--so now at least she has the hope of the ressurection."

  Even at JW funeral we are told that scripture..."better to go to the house of mourning" than to be rejoicing....you know the one. Death is an emotionally twisted subject among JWs. I found myself rather numb when my family members died. Very few JWs even acknowleged their passing. I have mentioned this before, but one jokerman elder made me feel quite terrible when he said to me after my mother in law passed away "We'll you got the old lady buried, huh?" and then laughed and walked away--I had been gone for a month and was exhausted from helping my hubby and family with all the arrangements, but he never asked how we were--very few did-- they seemed more concerned that I was finally back to the meetings than anything else. I think this religion does not allow people to greive in a healthy way and it is a sign of strong faith if you keep your grieving to yourself. This along with the surreal belief system about the ressurection and the guilt that is layed upon you not to be grieving like those "without hope."

  Just recently I went to a memorial service for a young man who died. It was by the ocean and a beautiful Hawaiian chant was done. We all held hands and stood in a large circle under the trees. People openly spoke about this man's life and people openly cried and comforted each other. There was no strings attached--no preachy sermon--just real people supporting and comforting each other in a respectful and peaceful remembrance of this person's life. It was touching and beautiful. Of course by JW standards it was something that no "true christian." would have attended. Yet it felt more real and comforting than any JW funeral I have ever attended.

  cybs
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  jgnat

  My JW hubby grieves long and hard over the loss of his mother. It has had the unfortunate effect of pulling him farther in to the society. Even though his mother was never a JW, he knows she has a hope in the resurrection. On the other hand, his hope is hanging on the fine, fine thread of regular meeting attendance and regular field service.