Teenagers

by Purza 41 Replies latest jw friends

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  Purza

  I am the mother of one teenage daughter. I don't really know where I am going with this post -- I just know that I feel like I am going crazy. My daughter is 14 and is a very smart kid. She is a freshman and has taken two honors classes (science and english) and is on track for the college level courses for when she is a junior (we have a really good college level program at the high school she goes to). I know that I am very fortunate to have a kid that doesn't do drugs or engages in pre-marital sex, etc. Sure, she is a bit boy crazy, but so was I at her age.

  I guess what gets me is her attitude. She thinks she rules the roost -- she EXPECTS me to be a taxi and her personal maid. Sure, I realize I have created the problem when she was younger, but I have been trying really hard to lay down boundaries and such. Her room is constantly a disaster and she basically tunes me out when I just ask her to do the few chores she has been assigned on a daily basis (empty dishwasher, play with dog, keep room clean and clean her own bathroom once a week). She is a slob and disrepectful and most of the time just thoughtless (oh, and absentminded too).

  I have been a single mother pretty much since birth and perhaps I was too soft in her formative years.

  Any words of wisdom from someone who has survived the teenage years? I know that she is a normal teenager, but is there anything I can do to help her to care about stuff around the house? Or do I back off now and hope for the best in the future? Btw, I have control issues and am an organization freak (so I know that I am far from being perfect). Perhaps it is just that our personalities just clash? Could there be hope that she may get some organization skills. . . . eventually?

  Purza (just frustrated tonight)
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  sandy

  Hi Purza. I have no children of my own. I do have a dog who drives me crazy in similar ways. She was just barking at me till I got up and took her for a walk. She tries to control me too. What can I do but take her out before she leaves an unpleasant surprise for me in the morning.

  Sorry, I wish I had some advice but as I said I am childless and wouldn't feel right giving you advice. Just thought I try and make you laugh a little.

  I am sure many here are going through or have gone through the same thing. I am confiddent you will get some good advice.

  Take Care and Best Wishes with your teen.
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  Stefanie

  I am basically having the same issues with my kid. She is 13 and has a bad attitude most of the times. I always play it down as growing pains, but at times she can be a handfull.

  She is a good kid, but doesnt like to clean her room either.
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  under74

  Well...I don't have any kids but I remember how I was at that age. I was a complete slob and nothing my mom said had any impact on me. I can still get messy but only when I'm too busy to be bothered but my roommates hate me because I'm constantly bitching about their messes in the kitchen. She'll probably grow out of it, not that you shouldn't keep at her. Oh and I was the worst with attitude. I swear I thought I hated my mom at 15, but you tend to see your parents and their faults (or what you perceive as faults) at the age and try to do anything possible not to be like them. Does that make sense? You see your parents in yourself and fight it. That's a tougher one to deal with...but there is light at the end. Me and my mom get along fine now...even if she nags. Anyway, you say she does well in school so she probably has some organizational skills she just doesn't want to show you all of them.
  
  Wish I could be more help Purza...
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  candidlynuts

  dr phil says take away kids priveleges.. you HAVE to feed, clothe and shelter them. you dont have to provide a tv , xbox, dvds etc... i never found that to be a great discipline..it made me more miserable than my kids..

  what did work was to talk to my kids... sit down and have a serious discussion. leave the tv off, turn off the phone and talk.. especially as your a single mom ask her questions.. "how do you think things could be better here at home" remind her your not her friend your her mother and she will be grown in just a few years and possibly be out on her own and she's not going to be ready for responsiblity living alone if she doesnt start learning responsibility now and you want her to be happy when she goes out on her own and your not going to be her cook and maid at her apartment so she needs to learn now how a household is run and participate.

  having a family meeting and talking to the kids is what worked for me.. also letting them choose things that they enjoyed to do such as cook or use the lawn mower (if old enough) worked as well.. yelling doesnt work, dont even raise your voice your wasteing your breath.

  if you have to get mean, take away some of her priveleges and see if that will work, no tv for a few days isnt gonna kill her..
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  Mulan

  We raised four teenagers, and survived! The best advice I can give is stop trying to control her. Let her make her own choices, within reason, and accept her decisions.

  The hardest thing for us to realize was that you can control what they do, to a point, but you will never control what they are thinking.

  Especially with daughters, there is a rivalry for chief woman in the house. Let her have some of the glory and decision making responsibilities in your home.

  As for her room, let her live in it that way. STOP complaining about it. Do not clean it for her. It's one of the things she can control, in her life, so let her do it. I am firmly of the opinion that kids are born either neat or slobs. I had half and half. Two of them, I never had to tell them to clean their rooms, because they kept them very neat. The other two were slobs from Hell. I yelled and dumped their drawers, and other things trying to get them to change, and nothing worked. So I gave up and did it myself, because I just couldn't stand it. Now I wish I had left their rooms alone. Today they are grown men, and one is still a slob, and the other has a wife who keeps things pretty neat, so he decided he likes it that way too. When he lived alone, he kept a neat apartment............he had no choice. No Mom to do it, and he decided he hated the mess.

  Remember hormones are raging too.................perfectly normal. You will survive. Just keep talking to her and try to be her friend, and not forget you are mainly her mother.
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  Odrade

  Negotiate, negotiate, negotiate. Maybe make her clean her bathroom once a week, but let the room go. Make a deal with her to clean it up once a month, and the rest of the time just shut the door. The reason I say this is because my mom went psycho on the room thing when I was a teen, so I admit my perspective is a little skewed. I was a good kid, never gave them any trouble, except my room was often messy. THIS is what she fixated on, and it made me hate her, and her hate me. Almost 20 years later I still have issues with the way she treated me during that time period.

  Taxi service should have hours. She can get a ride on demand for one hour a day or two days a week, or whatever arrangement you decide. The other taxi service has to be by arrangement and at your convenience.

  If there is a chore you want her to do that she hates, give her a chance to go for a different chore. As long as she does it like she should, she doesn't have to do the other one. Fair trade?

  Don't bet on her getting organization skills, and if you try to force her to be as organized as you are, (or god forbid, as organized as you would like to be but aren't--I hope that's not the case,) she may resent that for a long, long time. In the long run it's a pretty minor issue, compared to sex, drugs and "rock and roll."

  Lots of luck to you.

  O
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  missy04

  Purza,

  Well, when I was like 14, my room wasn't very organized.. My mom could get on me as much as she wanted but if my room did get clean it ended up back the way it was in no time..its just a basic teenager thing I guess... That was 4 years ago now, and at the moment I am taking a break from cleaning my room, so I guess organizational skills do get better I wouldn't stop telling her to clean her room, though. I wish my mom would have been a little harder on me about some stuff. She might be absolutely livid with you at the time, but when she gets older shell be glad you made her do her chores, ect.

  It'll get better.

  ~Sarah
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  simplesally

  My daughter is only 3 and a half. But she is more than willing to clean her room if we do it together. While I cook dinner she is eager to set the table and she eats 10x better if we eat together at the table instead of in front of the tv.

  OK......a teenager and pre-schooler.,,,,far apart. But my point is that maybe since you are a single mom, like me, it is much easier to fix easy dinners and eat on the run instead of coming home and cooking dinner and spending that time together. I now have a housekeeper who does fix the dinner two nights a week and then I am off 2 days a week......so there is 4 easy days. Every day, we wake up and make her bed together, just to get into the habit. Today, we spent at least two hours organizing her play room. We ended up dancing and using tamborines and moroccas for another hour. So..........clean up, hopefully, is fun for her. Her bedroom is always clean. I don't let it get out of hand so she sees cleanliness as comforting.

  A teen probably needs more time than a 3 year old, though. Talking, dancing, listening to music together. Don't worry about being her 'slave' ....worry about losing her friendship.
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  Aude_Sapere

  I made one rule in my home and expected everyone who stayed or visited follow the same rule. (My dad was the worst offender but even he came around...!)

  RESPECT.

  Respect the dog - don't kick her or call her bad names. Take her out when she needs to go. Feed her when it's time. (And, of course, the dog was expected to respect the cats. The cats automatically respected the dog for obvious reasons.)

  Respect me and my home and everyone else who happened to enter. This meant speech, gestures and behaviors. (No feet on the table, keep glasses off the wood furniture.)

  Respect yourself and your body. Eat properly and get enough sleep. Do your homework.

  Their room. Well, that was up to them unless it was to the point that might make them ill - it never got that bad. Their room, their rules. My house, my rules.

  Special errands and taxi service - respect my time and give me advance notice.

  Chores were taken as a group project. I did not pay for chores being done but I did provide an allowance. We all benefit from living here, we all work together to contribute to it's habitableness (but not overdone.) This was respect for the family arrangement.

  I was occaisionally guilty of not showing respect sometimes and was called to task for it. Good discussions. Smart kids.

  Sticking to the single rule of RESPECT gave us groundwork for negotiations without setting up so many -easily broken - rules.