Teenagers (page 2)

lazyslob

She is a slob. whats wrong with that?

Lazyslob

I can't believe I still have this old column by Dr. Joyce Brothers, a psychologist. I cut this out when Princess was 14 and have showed it to many mothers over the years. Amazingly, tonight, I went right to where I had put it many years ago. (she is 35 now)

This is what it says:

Dear Joyce Brothers, I've been very hurt in the past few months by the sudden change in my relationship with my daughter. We were always very close but lately it seems that almost everything I do is wrong. She seems to be pulling away from me. She's 14 and I realize she is growing up. I've no desire to keep her a little girl but I was hoping growing up wouldn't mean that we would become hostile strangers. I don't think I've changed but she certainly has. Is this normal or am I doing something wrong. Is she in trouble and is this her way of telling me?

Dear O.W. Your daughter, at 14, is probably trying to begin to separate herself from you to establish her own identity. This is very normal. What you interpret as anger or bad temper, or lousy attitude, is probably her way of saying "Give me space! Get back. Let me be me!! I'm growing up, a separate person, not a carbon copy of you".

The rejection of mother that usually takes place from about age 13 to 15 is a healthy process, but tough on the mothers. Actually your relationship with your daughter in the future is apt to be much better and stronger if this separation takes place. Those mothers and daughters who achieve psychological spearation can go on to achieve a good, honest friendship because they're able to see and respect each other as individuals. Separation is a vital stage of development and usually muche asier for boys than for girls because boys naturally identify with their fathers.

Your understanding now, will pay off later.

I hope this helps you. It sure helped me and my friends 20 years ago. To me, the information is still very current. **carefully files the old, yellowed newspaper column, back into the file cabinet **

Big Tex

Okay, Jennie is 11 so what I say is from a pre-teen perspective.

Just a few months ago, we stopped doing after school care for our two kids (Jackson is 8). However it was with the understanding that once they got home, they would (1) empty the dishwaster; (2) put breakfast dishes in the dishwasher and turn it on (with soap); (3) empty the dryer and fold clothes; and (4) empty the washer and put those clothes in the dryer.

At the same time we also started a mandate that both kids must help Mommy make dinner and then help her clean up afterwards.

Naturally all of this was met with major resistance. Jennie was hostile, rolled her neck at me a couple of times (don't roll your neck at Daddy), rolled her eyes while we were talking to her and generally displayed a typical teenage attitude.

We finally had a "come to Jesus" meeting with our delicate little flower. I decided to take a no-nonsense tough-love approach. I told her these chores were EXPECTED. She will do them, she will do them cheerfully and without complaint. I told her she was part of this family, and therefore expected to pull her weight. That meant that instead of paying $400 a month in afterschool care, she (and her brother) were required to do chores around the house.

Naturally this went over like a rock in a vaccuum. However, we stayed patient with her while at the same time we did not allow any slacking off. Once she did not do any of her chores, so television was banned for a day. We let her know it would be upped again (and again) and if that didn't work we would take away the computer, the telephone until she got with the program.

It took a couple of weeks but she came together. In the meantime, and in an off-handed way while having quiet Daddy/daughter time I pointed out to her that she was in training for babysitting. She shrugged her shoulders (big deal, who cares) until I pointed out that she would be paid by other people for babysitting their children. Her eyes lit up (and the cash register rang) when I pointed out that I usually paid $5 an hour, so if a couple went out for 4 hours in an evening she would earn $20. If she did that every Saturday she would earn over $1,000 a year.

Armed with this knowledge, she had real incentive. I've taken the opportunity to praise her when she's folded the towels correctly or taken initiative and put clothes away (not in her job description). I believe in positive reinforcement along with definite boundaries (as the song says, a thundering velvet hand) and she has really responded the past month. Today we came home to find the kitchen clean and two loads of laundry done, along with her homework. She still had time enough to play on the computer and watch an hour's worth of TV.

My long, rambling point is that it's tough in the beginning to set boundaries and initially those boundaries must be set and reinforced consistently yet firmly. It takes time and it's discouraging but keep at it. It's a battle of wills, and with me I was determined I would not lose. Not for hum-drum household chores, but because it would help my daughter in the long term. I've pointed out (subtly and quietly) that these are skills she must have when she moves out on her own.

Anyway, I hope this helps.

Chris

simplesally

Mulan, can you save that for me ? I'll need about 10 years.

Stefanie

She is a slob. whats wrong with that?

LOL

Good advice everyone, I am benefiting as well

SheilaM

Purza: WELL she is a typical 14 year old. Yep. My daughter is 22 and still is quite thoughtless. I know how you feel and I wish I could tell you words to make things better. I always said if I had it to do over I would have prayed for just average intelligence for my kids....YEP the smarter they are the harder to raise.

I do wish I had Dr. Phil when my teenager was that age. I agree with what he says. You find your childs currency and you use that for control. ALSO do not worry about taking stuff from them. I know that I would have had it easier with my daughter had I been tougher like Thunder wanted me to be. I wish I had stripped her room left her with just a bed UNTIL she was acting correctly. My child never did drugs or drank but just was a pain in our ass as far as the respect and cleaning. Nip it in the bud now. Our daughter is still struggling with these issues...believe it or not.

I feel for you. The next four years will go fast. Just grin and bear it. I do recommend Dr. Phil's new book on parenting children.

concerned mama

Purza, as the mother of a 21 year old and almost 17 year old, I can tell you that even fantastic, well behaved teenagers drive you crazy sometimes. They have different priorities and are really wanting to do what they want, which isn't always what you want, or at least when you want it.

There has been some interesting articles (I think it was in Time magazine) on brain development in teens, and the changes, especially in the areas involved in organization. I will embed a webste that looks pretty good. There are physical reasons why they think differently.

There is an interesting book called "Queen Bees and Wannabees" by Rosalind Wiseman, about teen girl culture. Also "Reviving Ophelia". Some situations in the books are pretty extreme and don't apply in my daughter's life. Worth a read, anyway. Most libraries have them.

I am a pretty strict Mom, but not JW kind of strict.(I have never beena JW) What works for us is to make sure we talk a lot, and I have to LISTEN to her, but not always agree. I try to be consistant, but not rigidly so. Flexible with good reason. Explain myself. Good/reasonable behavior earns trust. I am happy to take the blame when peer pressure is hard ("my Mom would kill me if I......"). All of us have to be courteous to each other . We ALL call home if we will be delayed. Teach her to stay safe. Pick your battles. Explain why.....let her explain why. Compromise....my kid's rooms aren't as neat as I would like them, but they are reasonable. If she doesn't take reasonable care of her clothes, she doesn't get new ones..and my girl LOVES clothes.

Hug her every day and tell her how much you love her and value her. Appreciate and recognise her good decisions, because sometimes they are really hard. Remember to give attention to the positive things, not just the things she has done wrong. Apologize when you screw up. Model the behavior you expect from her.

Both of you will survive it, and most of the time can be pretty terrific watching her grow up.

Mulan

Mulan, can you save that for me ? I'll need about 10 years.

I suggest you print it that out and tuck it away somewhere. The date on this one is 1983. I couldn't believe I still had it, but I have a file in my file cabinet , called "Interesting Stuff", and there it was.

I know that I would have had it easier with my daughter had I been tougher like Thunder wanted me to be. I wish I had stripped her room left her with just a bed UNTIL she was acting correctly.

I strongly disagree with that kind of discipline. It's mean and yields poor results. Sheila, your daughter is who she is. You simply cannot change their core. We never did things like that with our kids, but I know many who did, and it doesn't work either. It makes them resentful and more rebellious. You have to lighten up and let them be who they are.

Princess

Especially with daughters, there is a rivalry for chief woman in the house.

LMAO

I was wondering if you were going to dig up that newspaper clipping! Thank god you still have it. I'm going to need it in about six years.

I struggle with the room issues with my son. He's 8 and an incredible slob. I can't stand it so tomorrow I'm going to shovel it out and get it clean and then just maintain it myself. He just doesn't seem to be capable of doing it well so I'd rather not fight about it and do it myself. Less stress all the way around.

Now if I can get my six year old to put her CDs away, I'll be happy...

Stefanie

Naturally all of this was met with major resistance. Jennie was hostile, rolled her neck at me a couple of times (don't roll your neck at Daddy), rolled her eyes while we were talking to her and generally displayed a typical teenage attitude.

Ya just described my girl in a nutshell.

Teenagers

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