I can't be the only Eddie Izzard fan out there! How 'bout it?
Some of his bits:
"Here we go: Don't do bad things, only do good things. Always treat your neighbour like someone who lives near to you. Never put a sock in a toaster. Never put jam on a magnet. Never throw your granny in a bag. Never suck all the juice out of a bag. Never lean over on a Tuesday. *puff* Lots of other things...but I have to go get a Mars Bar....Love...Paul...Brackets: Saint."
"I will send a flood and kill everything! Start again. I think it was the etch-a-sketch end of the world! ... I will kill everything except the floating ones and the swimming ones who will get out due to a loophole."
"So, um, the New Testament. That was the short beard testament, I think"
"It's sort of human, isn't it? Being complete bastards. "
"I don't believe that religions are religions. No! I believe they're philosophies with some good ideas and some f****** weird ones."
"Three major religions, one holy city. Couldn't they have just spread it out a bit? "You have Aqaba, we'll have Moscow, you can have Dover." "
"Anyway, Jesus, this historical figure, he's in Christianity. Christianity is his best film. That's where he was The Son of God. Starring Jesus as the Son of God. Where he said that famous line, "Take your hands off her, you b****." Or was that Aliens? Cos they're very similar, the Christian faith and Aliens. "
"Created the world in six days. Seventh day, rested. Eighth day actually, rested as well. Ninth day, rested. Cos I'd just f****** made a world, ya know? Tenth day, rested. Actually, I rested from then on. 14th day, I decided to smoke all the maijuana I had created...Just to test the first batch. On the 15th day, I decided to smoke all the opium I had created...Just to test the first batch. And on the 309th day, I woke up again and then I decided to create 500 huge monsters I'd seen just the night before."
""Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth." *dinosaur roar* "Alright, we'll cross that one out. Cos THEY won't mind."