This whole thread is an example of why a man should never marry a women with children!
M'
Did I challenge my JW husband too much?
by wordlywife 57 Replies latest jw friends
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95stormfront
These are little kids here I'm talking about, K and 1 st grade mind you, not adolescents or young adults. He is very rigid with consequences, takes toys and things away for indefinite periods of time. He has never used a Watchtower or anything, just the NWT.
If you think that's harsh, just let him start taking the little tykes to the KH, where he'll be applauded for literally beating them into submission.
Whatever you do, don't let that happen. There are many a things any number of Ex-JW posters here wish they could take back that they've done to their kids in order to get them to tow the WT line.
Shamefully, myself included.
I wonder how he would feel if you treated him the same way.....being "rigid" in imposing "consequences" for his actions. I wonder would he see it as loving discipline dispensed by Jehovah himself if you took away his "toys" for indefinite periods of time.
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95stormfront
This whole thread is an example of why a man should never marry a women with children!
Or, more importantly, noone should marry a weak JW who promises that they'll always respect your opinion and that they would never go back for reinstatement.
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RebelliousSpirit
Even the lingo is starting to pop out at me and I don;t like it. Why say "Ones" hen talking about people at the KH? Can't you just say "people"?
I had to laugh at this WW. I dont know if you've read my thread, but I am also married to a lifelong JW who was DA when we met (7 years ago) and was reinstated back in October. I've actually been studying recently, but it's not going so well as late, at least in the JWs opinion.
Anyway ... the lingo has started driving me bananas too! And it's funny you mention that in particular because just this past week I started thinking "ones"?? Why is it always "ones"?? Or lets not forget "the friends" who "appreciate" everything every other sentence. And if I hear that we're living in "critical times hard to deal with" in "this system of things" one more time I just might scream!
It didn't bug me much before, but lately it has been. So that part of your post made me chuckle.
(((WW))) - I know how it is to be in your shoes. ::sigh::
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RebelliousSpirit
Am I missing something here? These are YOUR children. Why on earth are you ALLOWING anyone else to do YOUR job?
I have to agree, it was the first thing I thought when I read the post. My husband and I have 2 children together, they are his just as much as they are mine. However, I won't even let him drag his own kids through this without my say-so (which won't happen).
I know the JWs will expect him to bring the kids to meetings with or without me. And let me tell you - that won't happen. As it is now, we go to meetings together and I will not bring the kids. We have been "spoken to" numerous times where it has been "suggested" strongly that we should be bringing the kids to meetings, attending as a family. And every single time it's come up I have made it clear that these are my children, I am their mother, and I know what is best for them.
And let me tell ya - what is NOT best for them is forcing my 10 month old (who recently learned how to walk and wants to be FREE, lol) to sit through three 1-2 hour long meetings every week, or dragging a 4 year old and 10 month old out in subzero weather and snowstorms to said meetings, or keeping them up WAY past their bedtime to "teach them how to sit" when they already know how to sit, thank you very much, or subjecting them to the poor children in the KH who ARE forced into the aformentioned things and spend the entire meeting screaming their guts out or driving their parents and everyone else bananas.
Thankfully my husband and I are in agreement here. But even if he didn't agree now, it would be of no matter. We discussed such things long before we got married, and he'll hold to his end of the agreement come hell or high water. And that is the bottom line.
(Do you all see why I would make a lousy JW? I know I see it - but "the friends" beg to differ. Aren't they paying attention? lol)
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Billygoat
Do you all see why I would make a lousy JW?
That's why we like ya! -
AuntieJane
Poor WW, you definitely have a Tough Road ahead! Too bad his true colors didn't show before you conceived a child with him because that is going to be your biggest challenge. He will definitely have his grips on how that one is raised.
As far as your own children from previous marriage, you are the parent. Esp if he is new to the family, he does not have the right to discipline them as he sees fit. You are going to have some pretty messed up kids if you allow him full authority. Stand on your feet for your rights and your kids' rights.
Lastly, you need to get some counseling. Go by yourself. Find a county supported place if you can't afford it. But please get there.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that's better than soft-coating this issue. You have to take charge.
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AlanF
Sorry to hear of your woes, wordlywife. I'm afraid you're in for a rough ride, given what you've said. I'd like to comment on several issues you brought up.
As other posters have said, your husband is under a good deal of pressure to conform to the JW ideal of a husband whose authority in the household is unquestioned. No matter what you and he agreed to before, that's liable to go by the wayside, since he's required to believe that his loyalty to God (really, the Watchtower Society) comes before keeping promises made to worldly "ones" (I really hate that term). Furthermore, as he gets deeper into JW culture, he'll likely want to "reach out" for more "privileges", beginning with extra responsibilities at the meetings like "handling the mics", and going on to become a ministerial servant. But unless he is seen to "preside over his household in a fine manner", he won't get those "privileges" for a long time, and only if he's able to convince other JWs that he's done his best to convert you and you're virtually an "opposer". So his social standing in the JWs very much depends on how he deals with you. In particular, he must be seen as being a strong "head of the household", or he'll never be respected as an authority figure in his congregation, which of course, elders are, and to a lesser extent, ministerial servants are. In view of this, he's going to have strong and increasing resentment of you and your independence. On top of all this is his natural male desire to be in charge. And on top of all this are the usual difficulties that everyone faces when dealing with stepchildren. Been there, done that, and all.
You said that you feel that, while you respect his beliefs, he doesn't respect yours. As a JW, he has no choice. It's fundamental to the cult, and it's not going to change, so either you'll have to adapt, or he'll have to go against his religion in his relationship with you. That's a huge problem either way.
As for interrupting and correcting him in front of your kids, that's a bad deal in any marriage. Not because correcting him might not be necessary, but because parents need to present a united front to the kids. Otherwise, their natural tendency is to play one parent against the other, with very bad consequences for everyone in the family. The best thing is to talk to him privately and try to convince him to change his mind, and then for him to go tell the kids that he was mistaken and tell them the proper thing. If he refuses to change his mind and cooperate with you, then I'm afraid that your marriage simply won't last, because these are your kids and you can't have a JW cultist influencing them to their detriment. You're still going to do as you see fit with your kids, and you'll have no choice but to go against your husband's wishes, with predictable consequences. I think that you should be very clear that your relationship from square one was, as you said, a joint partnership, and its not fair or smart for him to want to change the rules in midstream.
As for interrupting your husband during a normal discussion, which apparently led to his not speaking to you, every family and every person has their own tolerance for such interruption. Personally, I hate it because it derails my train of thought, and I think it's a sign of disrespect. Others don't view it this way and have no problem talking over others in a conversation or having others talk over them. I myself try to avoid talking over others simply because I don't like it done with me. So you two will have to come to some agreement on this. I've had to adapt to the fact that my wife's family often engages in free-for-all discussions where if you don't talk over others, you'll never get a word in edgewise. :-)
I suspect that your husband's anger goes much deeper than merely being interrupted, though. I think that he's already in the mode of thinking as I described above, and he resents you for not going along with him in his cult. He resents that you're your own woman and don't kowtow to his "headship". That's completely normal for JW men, which just goes to show how abnormal, and even primitive, the culture of JWs really is. He has no way of punishing you except by hurting you by not speaking to you. I'm sure he knows that getting physical would quickly kill the marriage.
As for his getting hot and bothered about your mention of evolution, perhaps you should ask him how long he thinks life has been on this planet. I'm not suggesting getting into an argument, but just finding out. I mention this because the traditional JW view is that the creative days of Genesis were exactly 7,000 years long, which means that life has been on the earth for only about 20,000 years. However, it seems as if the Watchtower Society has been moving away from this notion, because since about the mid-1980s they always say that the creative days were "millennia" long or something equally vague. It's possible that your just asking the question will make him do a bit of research and get him to think a bit.
AlanF
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undercover
Sounds like your hubby is moving up in the JW world and a spiritual man resides over his family in a fine manner before being considered for a position of responsibility. He may, like has already been mentioned, be getting pressure to show that he is worthy of this position. I've known some brothers whose family weren't JWs but they still ruled the family as if the family were. To the JWs everything looked sweet and happy but to those in the know, things were always stressful and family members unhappy with having an unwanted religion forced upon them.
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M.J.
I am a non-JW married to one. Except I'm the man so the tables are reversed, so to speak. From your posts I get that you are very timid in the face of this front he puts on, which really is the collective ego instilled in him from his cult. You need to recognize this and not be afraid. First order of business is to come to grips with your own emotional, spiritual, mental well-being and confidence that YOU ARE RIGHT. It is your right and duty to act according to your convictions. If you do not, your husband will continue to disrespect you, and further, not have any reason to put any stock or credibility in your position or beliefs. Remember, actions always speak louder than words. I'm speaking as a husband.
You do not need to fear ANY topic of discussion. This was my mistake I had been making in my situation. I would not voice my thoughts or feelings on a matter, just silently resented things in order to "keep the peace". This had the effect of my wife not respecting what I stood for, because I was not consistent in what I communicated to her. I often avoided discussing things because I felt that I always needed to prepare myself more before getting into a certain topic for discussion. This made her think that I shied away from confrontation because I did not have a leg to stand on. I would get emotional and upset when she asserted her WTS programmed responses. This communicated to her that I was just belligerent, stubborn, and blinded by emotion when faced with "truth" that I did not like. This is all wrong.
I have learned that openness in communication from the start would have put me so much further ahead of where I find myself today. You have to let them know where you stand and you should expect respect for it. Doctrinal disputes are always divisive but I suggest that you work on giving quick and complete responses to his random objections, without backing down: http://www.freeminds.org/doctrine/respond.htm ...and then move on. Read Captives of a Concept: http://www.captivesofaconcept.com and learn how its really the concept of the WTS being God's Organization that's the issue here.
Let me tell you, my wife is a JW but has a lot of fight in her, and you know, I respect her for it. Ultimately in many situations you can bow to his headship, but first let him know where you are coming from.