I am so sorry. I try not and bring anyone down I just let a few things out.
Miss Why,
Don't be sorry. In coming here and talking about your very real problems, you are doing exactly what a good therapist would have you do. If I were in your place, I would be happy seeing my husband got to follow his dreams, but I would also make sure that my kids and myself got to do the same! I would do all I could to make my home a paradise of self-actualization (long word that means "doing good by being yourself")!
But that's a big project that needs to be cut up into tiny, tiny bits. For now you need to make sure that the kids are OK and that you are OK. You're already starting on that, and getting lots of good advice here. And the sympathy from people who've been through it helps a lot, too, doesn't it?
I have two favorite mottos for situations like this. They mean about the same thing.
One is from the Bible:
Do not despise the day of small things.
Just because you can't do everything perfectly now doesn't mean you can't
start something that will make a huge difference later on. The other posters on this thread have given you a lot of good advice about how to "start small." Yeah, you need to do the years-long work of building self-respect. Why not start by getting your makeup done? :) Which brings me to my other favorite motto, from the (very violent yet stylish) movie
Kill Bill:
Wiggle your big toe.
What can you do
today to make your life a
little better? Something that will give you a
little room to do more later? How can you "wiggle your big toe" right now so that you have room to move your foot, then your other foot, then to walk?
"Venting" like this is a great start. And you've made an appointment with a therapist who can show you how to gradually get hold of those year-long tasks that will undo the damage done by the way you were raised.
Hey, I thought of another motto that might help; if not now, then later:
When the cat's away, the mice will play!
When your husband goes off to school or band practice -- it's time for you and the kids to play! Any innocent thing that strikes your fancy - a video and popcorn,
a water balloon fight in the house -- sorry, my husband did that once, don't know how that got in there... :) Um, yeah, taking the kids to Target is a great idea!
Good luck,
GentlyFeral