I've been "lurking" on this site for quite awhile now and it's just amazing to me how many people could be writing MY life story. I always wondered at myself and my inability to "just get over it" like I felt I should. It's been incredibly healing to find a group of such compassionate people who have "been there done that" and to different degrees still struggling to deal with the scars left over. It's so nice to know that you're not the only one!
Diary of a nobody
by New Worldly Translation 29 Replies latest jw experiences
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New Worldly Translation
Thanks for your messages and support everyone. I'm starting to realise that life is what you make of it and to look forward not back.
A big hug to Sunspot & AK-Jeff for their encouragement (and everyone else too of course )
still feel so weird inviting or being invited to dinner, etc by a workmate and my first thought is always "come up with an excuse of why you can't go" and then I say, what am I thinking? I'm not a JW!
Wow, goodgirl. I can totally relate to that
I still have a hard time accepting the invitation to the office xmas party. Oh, I'm such a fool for not going.. what with all that free booze and food on offer
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chuckyy
Hi
I can empathize with you very much. I too started having panic attacks and all sorts of physical symptoms associated with anxiety. It has got better the longer that i have been out. I hope that you dont mind me making a suggestion. Why dont you enrol in a university distance learning course and get a degree. This is what I am doing and i really enjoy it....it sort of brings a sense of self worth that i lost when i left jws. Only a thought.
Chukky
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deucey
Your post brought tears to my eyes....
I can completely understand where you are coming from with feeling shunned in a supposedly "friendly" congregation of Jehovah's people. I never had any friends in the congregation growing up and my family was at the lower end of the income spectrum and had to work a lot. So we always got the "we missed you at the meeting" or "how is everything, ok?" when my parents had to work late or something. I find myself always wondering about "The Truth", so I ordered Ray Franz's 2 books to hopefully educate myself a bit more. Up until I started searching the net a week or so ago, I was completely unaware of these many untruths and flip-flops when it comes to the JWs. I had always had questions but were afraid to ask for fear of being criticized. This is a great message board and I'm learning lots from everyone!! My heart goes out to you NWT, for what you have gone through.
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clementine
thanks for sharing this experience with us! welcome on the board!!
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diamondblue1974
Can any of you brits remember being told you couldn't dance round the maypole cos it was pagan?
Oh yes...i remember very well...for all the wrong reasons though....i was only a young nipper then and was rather innocent...and i had heard my mum mention in a conversation the maypole and apparently that the maypole was a phalic symbol. Well i heard what phalic meant or so i thought...and i chose one of those divine moments to embarrass the life out of my mother...when it was covered on the platform later....i said in a whisper (which when you are 5 all the congregation can hear) "does phalic mean it looks like a willy???"
Fond memories...
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indispair
I am so sorry for your experience as a JW. I have been a disfellowshipped JW since 1992. I was 17 at the time. I am now 30 and have two small children of my own. While I was diserving of my disfellowshipping according to the WTS, I don't feel that matters were handled correctly as you will understand as I tell you my story.
Life is funny. I know now at 30 so much more than I did at 17. I am only now curious about religion and God as I have my own two children who are 2 and a half and 8weeks old and I want them to know about God and learn about a God that I want to believe is as merciful as he is just. It was only when I began going to a Baptist church and learned about God's love that I feel a real dedication was made in my heart. I was 14 when I got baptized. To understand my decision you have to go back to when I was almost four years old. I was already getting my 15 minutes of fame and did not even know it. My parents were going through a divorce. My father was abusive, a drunk and cheated. It is no surprise that when my mother who up until this point had never heard of witnesses would need to hear about such promises that the future would hold for her if she would only become a JW. My parents divorce became the presedent for all other JW court cases in the history to come. My parents court case went to the Supreme Court and can be read online. Waites vs Waites (1976). My mother lost custody of my sister and I to my father. The witnesses basically kidnapped my sister and I and hid us on a farm. My father sued the church 75,000 dollars and lost the money but got us. Later the Supreme Court overuled the decision of the lower courts based on religious discrimination. I then spent the next 10 years going to the meetings with my step father, an elder at the time and my mother a pioneer. I just found out recently that they too had been disfellowshipped as they got together before their divorces were finalized and fornicated before they could marry. They are now getting a divorce as my mother has just learned that my step father has been going to girly bars the whole time they were married and had an affair five years ago. More on that later.
I spent every other weekend for the next ten years with my JW mother and an atheist police officer father. My mother would send me for a weekend with my dad who would say "eat the meat your father has not bled properly, or celebrate a holiday and Jehovah God will see and you will certainly perish" My father would say, "you are with me this weekend, eat the meat or celebrate the holiday or I will kill your entire church and spank your butts." So, I spent most of my time, eating my meat and my younger sisters meat and lying to my mom and feeling guilty because I knew I was going to die but maybe Jehovah would spare me as I was at least trying to save my sister's life (four year old logic). By the time I was 14, I was so depressed, so confused, so scared and just so tired I decided I had to make a decision that I could not live both ways any longer. At the same time, my best friend was getting baptized and she was 12, so maybe I needed to be making a dedication soon. Plus, my mom who now had a new life and a new child would be so pleased with me and would give me some much needed love and attention so I got baptized. I have now just recently gone back and tried to read some of the publications that preach the very thing that I should have dedicated to Jehovah God at that time and I do not understand them now let alone at 14. So, three years later, I am graduating high school with honors, I want to go to college and I really want to go to prom. My boyfriend at the time (which I hid and had not even so much as kissed and we had been dating from 14 to 17) was a witness and he had pressured me so many times to be with him sexually that again I felt that old feeling of doing what is right and pleasing someone else come over me again. I did not indulge. However, this really made my boyfriend angry so I broke up with him. Two weeks later he accused me of having sexual relations with several guys at a party with other watching. Ok, this never in a million years happend. You have to understand that the elders could not come talk to me at my home as my father was on the field service card as violent and I was now living with him so I could go to prom and college so they came to see me at work. I thought there had to be two witnesses to confirm an accusation but apparently not. I was at work checking groceries when my best friends dad and another elder handed me an envelope and asked me to meet with them or sign this letter. Like a dummy, I did not even read it as there were customers in my line and my boss was staring at me. The elder pleaded that I meet with him to discuss some serious accusations or agree to be disfellowshipped whereupon my name would be read at the meeting that Thursday evening. I was so livid, I could not sign fast enough. I never heard from the elders ever again. I just recently learned they were supposed to give me a little while and then make a sheperding call and see if I would come back. This from my ex step father elder who cheated so I don't know if this is true or not. Two weeks later my mother wrote me a letter and said I was no longer her first born. I ddid not hear from her again until 7 years later when she needed me to run a liscence plate to verify if my step father was cheating or not. I was in the police academy at the time. She then let me start babysitting my now 10 year old sister who I had not seen since she was three so she could go check up on my step dad. All of a sudden my other sister was having a baby and she began speaking to me again. We all got close again. My mom and step dad's divorce is final this month. My step dad still goes to meetings but told me different points he agrees upon. To no surprise my 17 year old sister is living a double life just like her parents were and my mom can't handle it. My 17 year old sister is questioning leaving the religion. My other sister is pioneering now and cut me off again. My mother is suppose to cut me off but wants dealings with her grandchildren. She will come over and see the children, bring gifts, loan me money and occassionally eat with me but that is the extent of our relationship. I take it as nothing would kill me more than having no relationship with her at all. I came right out and asked her if it bothered her to preach one thing and to do another and that I loved her so much and could see the pain it caused her to live both ways that I would understand if she couldnot talk to me anymore even though I did not want to and that I loved her and she was always welcome in my home. She did not answer. I also told her that I did not see how birthdays were idolatrous as she held a "special day" for my believing six year old neice at Chucky Cheese and invited other witnesses who brought gifts and had a cake. It sounds to me like they miss the joy we experience on birthdays. I do not worship my daughter but boy do I think she is special.
So you see, I feel your pain. I can't even go to church anymore as I don't believe the trinity. I believe some things the witnesses do but even my step father told me disfellowshipping is good for a small period of time but if you cut someone off completely and indefinitely how can they get back on the right path and Jesus forgave even the murderer on his day of death when he had no time to repent thus demonstrating it is a heart condition that only God himself can read. I love God. I don't know his name although I think it is Jehovah. I pray to him everynight and I do so with my daughters that he show me the truth. This is where it has led me. I can't hold down a job because I only know how to be in the world but no part of it and I do not know how to relate to others. I do know that when the self righteous one finally realizes they too are human, they come to the "unrighteous" for support. I am just honest with myself and with God and tell him I want to please him but not at the expense of losing my new family. I lived the first half of my life in dispair, I don't want the second half that way. And isn't disfellowshipping also punishing my mother who is upstanding in the congregation? How is that fair? I remember when the society told us it was wrong to talk with the disassociated and then they came back and said "woops" they were never baptized so you can talk to them, witness to them, share a meal with them but a baptized person who is disfellowshipped you should cut off. All because I was 14 when I was baptized and made a poor choice at 17 that I have rectified because I learned by having my heart ripped out that it would have been better to wait until I was married. I am married now and am faithful. I help abused children find alternative care and I teach my children to love and know God and that you can not have a good life without him in it.
I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I am not angry at the witnesses anymore but I still fear I do not have the one true religion and may lose my life. I don't know how to stop feeling that way. I just know I can't go back and be a witness. I want to be there for my family so bad but they won't let me. It is so unfair! I can't sleep at night and I am truly in dispair. Thus the name.
Indispair
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Taylor S.
wow ... what a great story ... thanks for sharing that.
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adelmaal
Welcome!
28 was around the time I hit the therapist and started getting my life together as well. It was a great journey and you are so fortunate to have gotten out prior to getting married, having kids, getting divorced, being disfellowshipped, etc. You are truly blessed!
You will figure it out. You are going through a growth period and it sounds like you are on the right track. Jump into life head first and enjoy it. You deserve to enjoy the world around you and get involved in it.
I spent time alone working on my debts, my career, taking care of my kids, going to a therapist and then I met a wonderful man on Match.Com. My life after having been a JW has only gotten better since I left. Even though I had some lonely and rough times for awhile there.
I'm glad you are here and I wish you well. Reading your story really made me see what my daughter must be going through with her dad. She is only turning 10 but she is being raised as a JW 50% of the time when she is with her dad. I just hope I can help her not to have to suffer as you and so many others have.
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adelmaal
Indispair:
Great post. I can really relate to the following statement:
I can't even go to church anymore as I don't believe the trinity
I too have a really hard time considering going to church because everytime I research a religion's beliefs this doctrine is so ingrained in them. I just don't get it. But I do feel I am finally able to establish a relationship with God and I am just taking in all the ideas, opinions, knowledge I can. I can finally read the Bible and not feel bad.