How can you help a family member who wants out of his marriage?

Had Enough

Hello everyone:

I'm so upset I don't know if I'll be able to make sense to you all.

How do you help a family member when he says he doesn't love his wife and wants to leave her and the kids to find happiness. He's young and confused. I know you can't make yourself love someone and its hard for him to invision a lifetime of feeling like he's missed out on love.

I won't side with him and condone his actions but he and his wife both have come to us together and individually for help but tonight he is leaving to come here and I would like to help him do what's best all around.

Maybe just being there for him while he sorts out his feelings is all I can do for him, and helping his wife when she needs me.

Maybe staying together isn't the answer but I still hold on to the belief that we need to live up to our responsibilities, as a mate and a parent. Am I being naive?

I know I'm not thinking real straight right now so I'd appreciate your comments or personal experience with what you did or would do if or when you were faced with splitting with your mate.

Did you find happiness leaving? How did your kids handle it? How did you deal with your kids hurt?

I don't know....anything will help I guess.

Thanks so much for "listening"

Had Enough

AlmostAtheist

Have they tried marriage counseling? Not elders, but real, trained counselors? It's WAY cheaper than a divorce, and if it works, they save themselves and their children years of pain and difficulty.

This often comes up in the context of an affair, in which the person feels they've found their true "soulmate". Is that the case here?

Dave

upside/down

I ache for the kids. My bio-dad did the same thing?

u/d

Brummie

Maybe just being there for him while he sorts out his feelings is all I can do for him, and helping his wife when she needs me.

You say "all I can do" as if it was a small thing, you are doing a lot by just being there. You are on the right path, its good that you are there for them.

You are bang on, never help someone out of their marriage, just be there for them, you are a good sort. Keep it up.

Brummie

Had Enough

Hi AlmostAthiest:

Yes they've tried counselling (and not elders...he isn't a JW anymore) but not enough sessions to help. I wish he would have stuck with the counsellor longer but felt it was going nowhere.

His heart is turning elsewhere, just hasn't gone any further than talking about it. I know he would tell me if it had already. So yes he's not thinking clearly right now.

I just wish I could find the right words to get him to do the right thing but he's just so unhappy right now.

Had Enough

Thanks Brummie:

I've never been an interfering in-law and don't want to start now. I just feel so helpless hearing them both cry about this. He wants to do the right thing and feels rotten about it.

She loves him so much and is glad at least that he is turning to us instead of running off with someone else.

AlmostAtheist

She loves him so much and is glad at least that he is turning to us instead of running off with someone else.

I misunderstood. I thought they were both wanting out of the marriage. Only he is?

How old is he? I've seen guys as young as 30 going through what match all the symptoms of a mid-life crisis. From your perspective, does he have enough valid problems with his wife to warrant leaving her? (I know that's a tough and unfair question -- how could you possibly really know? But what's your best feel?)

With the caveat that I don't have any counseling experience and this advice is worth what you're paying for it (less, actually), I would suggest you get him to talk about what he's so unhappy about. While he will focus on his wife, I'll bet it's actually other things. Money troubles. Feeling like he does all the housework and doesn't get any time to really "live". Feeling like he married too early and cheated himself out of some fantasy life he's decided he could have had if he'd stayed single. Something on this order. Try to get him to nail down exactly where the real unhappiness is coming from. Then look for ways he can relieve that underlying problem. If he took night classes, could he get a better job? If they hired a housekeeper once a week, could he take up model railroading instead of doing the laundry?

Hope it helps!

Dave

Had Enough

Thanks Dave

I've seen guys as young as 30 going through what match all the symptoms of a mid-life crisis

BINGO! I'm hoping he'll open up more so we have something to work with. Naturally I'm hoping that they can salvage this marriage AND be happy too!

Feeling like he married too early and cheated himself out of some fantasy life he's decided he could have had if he'd stayed single

I appreciate your input...it's given me some food for thought. This may be a huge part of it.

I'm wondering if anyone has gone through these feelings personally. I don't mean those who have suffered abuse, or miserable mismatches. Just feeling you made a mistake, got married too young, got married on the rebound, thought you'd fall in love with your mate eventually.

Did you leave? If so, were you happier? Did you later feel you made a mistake and went back or wanted to? Did you feel guilty and how did you live with it, or get past it?

Thanks for any thoughts.

Had Enough

blondie

This is my opinion: He can leave his wife as long as he does it honorably, dividing up the financial assets fairly.

But he is a fool and an idiot if he thinks he can leave his children. He fathered them, they are his responsibility until they are 18 and longer if he is a truly whole, loving person. I guarantee he will never have a good relationship with anyone else if he ducks out on his children.

Blondie

Beck_Melbourne

Sorry to hear about your friend's dilemma.

Did you find happiness leaving? How did your kids handle it? How did you deal with your kids hurt?

1. Yes I did

2. They accepted the changes and are well adjusted now.

3. By encouraging them to talk about how they felt and reassuring them that both parents still love them very much, and that we would both continue to love them but while living in different homes.

It can work okay if it is handled right - it just takes some getting used to.

All the best.

~Beck~

How can you help a family member who wants out of his marriage?

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