I need your guys thoughts & opinions

by kls 41 Replies latest social family

• 

  jgnat

  What minimus said:

  Intuition.....BUT you must figure out what it is that bothers you so before you lose your child.

  My dad would not sign my marriage papers the first time I got hitched. He did not like my ex-husband, he knew the man was bad for me. B A D with capital letters. I did not talk to my dad for three years for refusing to sign my marriage papers. But in the end I admitted he was right. I knew it cost him many a sleepless night, but my dad would not sacrifice his ethics, no matter what the personal cost. He taught me a lot about standing up for what is right. I once got that "vibe" from a bunch of new friends who attached themselves to my son. When they looked at me, they looked through me. They had no respect for authority, in my opinion. I told my son they were bad news. He did not listen to me. They ended up stealing his car three times, and when he reported them, they threw a brick through our front window. Don't say much to your son about this girl while it is just intuition, but keep your eyes open. When you know WHY you feel this way, speak up. IMO
• 

  kgfreeperson

  Ah,yes. Unfortunately, we seem to also be talking about my daughter-in-law. In my case, it may well be me seeing things in her that I cannot accept in myself. We all do our best.
• 

  jeanniebeanz

  Any time I have ignored this intuition in my feelings for a person, I have been really, really sorry. It's hard enough to find good people when they strike you as nice. When the warning bells go off, I listen up.

  Jeannie
• 

  Aude_Sapere

  Perhaps you have a friend who could spend a little time at your home the next time she/they are there?

  Perhaps your daughter or girlfriend of one of your son's could maybe watch the two of you interact??

  ???

  My sister didn't like a guy I was dating. She talked to me about it very frankly. Her concern was whether or not I was serious about him or not. If not, then she would just pretty much ignore him/put up with him until I moved on. If I really was serious about him, then she said she would put forth energy to get to know him better and find a way to get along in case he would eventually be joining our family.

  I dumped him shortly after that. But the conversation was interesting. It encouraged me to move on. I don't know what would have happened if I really was serious. Crazy to think how that would have played out.

  -Aude.
• 

  xenawarrior

  I'll throw my 35 cents in here. You said that you can't help the way you feel about her and that you told your son that you love him but that you cannot accept this girl. You might not be able to help the way you feel about her but "feeling" something doesn't mean that you have to act on that feeling- even with words that have obviously hurt him. What does "accepting" this girl mean to you? Does it require something of you? Is that your requirement or someone else's? If it is yours- it is possible to remove that requirement out of respect for your son and his choice?

  You are basing a great deal on a "feeling" you have about this girl that you don't really have a solid reason for. It doesn't sound like she's done anything overt to deserve any scorn at this point. You may be totally correct and there may be something amiss with her but that is up to him to figure out on his own. If you inject your own "feelings" about her you may muddy the water for his own ability to see her for who she really is because now he may be on the defense about her. That could make it harder for him to see things that might have sent up red flags because he may attribute that to you and that it's "not really happening that way". Or he might see negative things that aren't there about her because he might be a bit paranoid about her because he knows you don't like her and he trusts you.

  If it were me I'd stay out of it and keep it to myself how I felt about her and let the chips fall where they may. It's part of life to learn to make choices on their own about friends and relationships and deal with the consequences. It sounds like the horse is out of the barn on this one already though.

  Wouldn't it be great if we could shield our kids from all the pain and realities of life?
• 

  Golf

  kls, recently my son went to court to get 'full' custody of his son. Of course here in Montreal the women wins 'most' of the time. He did however win in that he got more visiting time with his 8 year-old son. The son 'requested' his dad to help free him from his mother.
  
  This girl was interested in my other two sons, but they didn't want anything to do with her. She finally latched on to my third son, well, the rest is history. The older brothers told their younger brother, she's trouble. My wife and I stayed silent.
  
  To make a long story short, this girl is going through another battle with another man for HIS house and property!
  
  Anyways,on our part,we had one big family party for my grandson!!!!!!!!!!!!
  
  By the way, there's more to the story.
  
  Guest77
• 

  squinks

  I had a similar experience with a co-worker, I just could not stand her. But gradually over time I began to see that she was a quality person and I began to think very highly of her and finally became friends. I was glad to had kept my initial feelings to myself. Take some time to get to know her a little at a time. Be patient with her and yourself.
• 

  LittleToe

  How much of life is individual path, and how much is community responsibility?
  When your boy was a child you had to care and protect. That's role isn't given up easily.

  That having been said, you haven't had issues before.
  Intuition is a much maligned and misunderstood thing.

  If there's no rational reason not to, I'd go with my gut every time...
• 

  blondie

  The investigator in me is asking, "What about other people who know her? Do they have reservations about her as a person? Has she had problems with family, other friends, workmates, supervisors?"

  Think back to when you have these feelings, "What was she doing or saying? What were the circumstances? Look at the situations as a whole; do you see a pattern?"

  Unfortunately, people tend to do the opposite of what you warn against.

  Love, Blondie
• 

  Gill

  This is very difficult for you obviously but I should really try hard to work out what it is that bothers you about this girl.

  My mum in law HATED me from the first moment we met and continues to do so with a vengeance. For various reasons there is no longer any contact at all between our family and hers but her venemous hatred of me is one of the main reasons.

  I can look back honestly over the years that her son and I have been married and say that I've been good for him and he's been good for me. But her hatred has continued.

  Your gut feeling might be correct in which case you should stick with it BUT, there's a chance you could be wrong. So, if you don't want to lose your son over this you should really find out what is bothering you or else...zip it!

  By the way....don't panic! She may just be passing through and before you know it another young lady will be visiting you....so hang loose!

  One more thing whilst I'm here.....saying or doing something unkind or unpleasant to this girl is something you can't go back on, won't be forgotten and will likely not be forgiven. The pain of rejection from someone is as real as stabbing them in the heart so...tread carefully...please!

  Best wishes and be careful!