PS Just because you have forgiven someone, doesnt mean you have to let them back into your life.
Rebellious, been there, forgiven that!
Forgiveness, How Far Do You Take It?
by prophecor 42 Replies latest jw friends
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RebelliousSpirit
Forgiveness is not for the one being forgiven. It is for the one doing the forgiving. No matter what the act was. Even murder. Now, I'm not saying it is easy. No way in heck is it easy. But it is necessary to move on with life.
I agree Brenda, and it seems as if we've had similar experiences. I have also run into my ex on occasion since I left him nearly 10 years ago - he has apologized more than once for the things he put me through, and I have told him that I forgave him a long time ago - not for his sake, but for my own. I'm sure you know just what I mean.
Someodd years ago I also had the opportunity to confront my rapist. When I first met my husband, I was still an emotional disaster, and very, very bitter. I wanted so badly to get past all of that so that I could be happy and live a "normal" life. My little brother was attending AA meetings while he was living with me - and one night he ran into my rapist there - who promptly fled when he saw my brother. When my brother told me of the experience, I realized then and there what had to happen for me to move on. I had to confront him. One night I prayed to God, "God, I feel that I need to confront C****** in order to move on with my life. I am so angry and bitter ... and I don't see any other way. If it is your will, God ... please give me what I need to do this so that I can finally LIVE again".
The next night there was a knock on my front door - I opened it - and I kid you not - there stood my rapist (one reason I continue to have faith, and one reason why I think JWs are full of sh!t that God only answers their prayers). He didn't know where I lived, we hadn't seen each other in years and I was not listed in the phone book - but there he was at my front door. You see, I was living in my father's condo at the time, and my rapist had unbeknownst to me partied with my father in the past (another sad story) - so he was looking for my dad that night (who was living out of state by that time) - and found me instead. When I answered the door, he turned ghost white - and this once overbearing, overpowering, violent, nasty man I had known stuttered, stumbled, and tripped over himself when I walked out onto the porch to confront him. He apologized for showing up at my door and turned around to leave. I grabbed him by the arm (years of abuse turned me into one tough bitch, in case I forgot to mention that) and said, "You're not going anywhere, I have some things to say and you're damn well going to listen".
And under the indirect supervision of a few of my male friends, as well as my brother - I spent the next 5 hours confronting the man who had raped me and ruined my life. He cried. A lot. I didn't. Over and over again he told me how sorry he was for what he had done, he said he knew he couldn't do anything to make things right, but would try if I just named it. I told him that the only thing he could do was raise his son to NEVER be the kind of sonofabitch he was. After I had said everything I had to say, and then some ... I forgave him. I closed that chapter of my life (put a period, as they say), and I sent him on his way to walk home in subzero temperatures in a snow storm. He asked me for a ride home (he asked me for a ride home!!!!) ... I told him that I couldn't do that - that I had closed the chapter of my life that included him - that he no longer existed to me. He nodded a little and said, "I guess I deserve what I get at this point". I replied, "You haven't even gotten a fraction of what you deserve for what you did to me - be thankful, and go home C****** - go home".
It was a huge turning point in my life. I am thankful for the opportunities I had to forgive, and to close those chapters in my life once and for all.
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berylblue
Has it ever happened to you, something so dispicable you would rather go to your grave, not having forgiven someone a wrong they had done you, hopeful that God would sort it out in the end?
Yup, and it happened right here on JWD, and no, I don't give a rat's ass if God sorts it out.
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FlyingHighNow
I forgive as long as someone doesn't continue to be a threat to my family, friends or me.
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BrendaCloutier
(years of abuse turned me into one tough bitch, in case I forgot to mention that)
Yeah, me too. A kind and loving bitch that will not tolerate abuse by or to others, either! I've been known to stand in front of a man in the process of trying to hit is wife or girlfriend telling him "if you got the balls to hit her, you gotta go thru me first you SOB". Never once got hit.
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Nancy Drake
When I started to get serious with my boyfriend, he still lived with his mother. He was taking care of her because she said she had cancer and was terminally ill. She said that she would die soon. He was put through so much grief and then...
we found out she was lying about the whole thing!!! When we busted her out and moved away, she had no apologies for what she did, and still shows no remorse whatsover! We were paying all her bills so she could lay in her bed all day in peace! We were such suckers!
My boyfriend and I are still mad about it five years later and I don't know if we will ever be able to forgive her. Maybe if she said something like "sorry" it would be easier.
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RebelliousSpirit
Yeah, me too. A kind and loving bitch that will not tolerate abuse by or to others, either! I've been known to stand in front of a man in the process of trying to hit is wife or girlfriend telling him "if you got the balls to hit her, you gotta go thru me first you SOB". Never once got hit.
Exactly, Brenda. Recently, when my JW sister-in-law's abusive jerk of a husband told me that if I didn't stay out of "his business" he would make me pay, I responded with - "Go for it @sshole. Your wife and her well being are most certainly my business, and I will not stay out of it. Unfortunately for you, there is nothing you can do to me that a man hasn't already done to me before. You think women are meant to cower before you. Well you don't know this woman. I cower before no one". And then I went Rock on him and told him to "Just Bring It". LOL!
Odd ... he had nothing to say after that.
RS (of the That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger class)
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dostprefer
Re: Forgiveness, How Far Do You Take It?
Up to 77 times did Jesus say? Demonstrably hard to get the bitterness out of one's personality.
And nobody should sit on judgement of those who are struggling with this because there can be real issues that only the sufferer knows about. (There is no future for those who refuse to feel another's pain) However, we don't do ourselves a favour by denying that bitterness can be overcome and left behind. Like most things in life it is a choice. Just a caution - it doesn't help to go down to the hollow to wallow with other malcontents.
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wednesday
prophecor,
I don't extend forgiveness easily b/c to truly forgive means to me that I have to really almost forget and not bring the person's "sin" back to mind if we are having a disagreement. If someone has hurt me so bad that I do not believe I will ever be able to look at them without thinking about what they did, I don't even bother with extending forgiveness. it is false to give a person hope that u can forgive when u really can't. I am only human and their are limits to what I can bare, and some things just can't be forgiven. Especially if it is your mate, it's wrong to give false hope to that person that u forgive them if u really plan on remembering it and using it every chance u get. Better to let your mate go,than make them pay forever. people say 'I forgive" easily, but to truly forgive is a large request.
weds
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prophecor
Thank you, all who have given energy to my concerns here. It is a very difficult thing to lay down arms against someone who has tried to destroy you. I say that not over- exaggerating. Though bitterness is going to be a part of my existence thru out this ordeal, I look forward to the day when this has come to be resolved. It takes an incredible amount of energy to maintain a hostilic spirit. I appreciate everyone of your responses and I long for the hour when it is I can follow the advice of those of you who encourage me to just let it go. As for now, however, the war must continue to be waged, against myself more than the one for whom my anger is held up against. Some things, I have found will only take time. Wednesday, you helped me put the cap on this, I can't fake no longer being angry and play the let's make nice after this. It would be a lie, I couldn't live a lie while in the Hall, and I'll surely not live one outside of the hall either.
Freedom Fighter, I too have the capacity to nurse a grudge to infinity. Even wishing evil on the one who wished me ill, or worse dead. Not proud of it either, but somethings just require time to heal, for me, this is one of them.
KLS, I know all too well about bitterness. It has brought to the point of wanting a drink to nurse the energy. A moment to relieve the pressure. Though I was speaking of taking this to my grave, I have wished ill on the one that would try to bring me down. It hurts to think I would want to see them there, but that's just the way it is,...at least it is for now.
Tigerman I really liked how you put things in perspective, finding peace and becoming alive by asking God to forgive them.
Robert K. Stack I feel were you are. Too Well
Rebelious Spirit thank you for your energy and candid openess about the pain that was visited in your life. Your courage to share that was incredible. It makes me feel small that you forgave what was done to you to such a degree, where it is that I will not, at this time at least. Thank you for coming in and sharing.
Tres Happy your energy was appreciated as well, you sisters are both emotional giants!!!
Upside Down
Navigator
Beryl Blue Welcome
Special Thanks To Brenda C / FHN
Holly / Maxine Mouse / Nancy Drake
FMZ & Defd / Your inputs were greatly appreciated, especially yours defd, I don't know what the true story is with you, but you show an incredible ammount of constructive energy, and it was truly appreciated.
Wm Penwell & Putternut I'll make it a special point not to be so artistically un-aware as to my font colors!!!
Hadenuf , It doesn't appear as if I've had enuff, I wish you well in your anger management skills, you really got a lotta spunk!!!
Mustang / Rescue Me / Country Girl / Why am I Here / Fair Child / Trevor / Jeannie Beanz / Cindy KP
The Classicist Thank You All For Participating.
As to the encouragement that comes thru this board, I am deeply grateful.